S-I-N-G-L-E

*whoo-friggin-hooo* i'm on a roll, huh? lol

so i've been single for what, 2yrs and um 2months? something like that, but hey whose counting anyways!!

I'm officially over it, and by that i mean I am done with online dating, with trying to get a man, with searching high and low only to get a door slammed in my face...as much as i hate being single, i hate dating even more. its such a drag, i've had 2 great dates and i actually ended up liking both guys...but something weird happened with one where he just randomly decided he didn't like me and the other, oh i don't know its totally up in the air...

sometimes i lay in bed at night reminicing about how it was when i was with my ex...and thats bad. i never want to have flashbacks of previous relationships but that's the only thing that i have to keep me sane when i'm feeling lonely and unwanted. then there are times when i try so hard to settle my mind down at night but my thoughts keep racing around the same things "will i be single forever", "will i ever fall in love again", "will i always be just an after thought", "whats wrong with me"...i hate questioning my existence, but its so hard when i've only had one serious relationship and the rest were just guys in between who meant nothing and contributed only hurt and pain...

blah. i know that this isnt attractive, but everyone deserves one of these days.

So yes, i hate being single and i want nothing more than to share my time with another human being. Love is not on my side, but one day it will be....i just know it!

Just another manic monday

*AHHHHHHHHHHHHH* *bangs head against desk* so its monday afternoon and i have my little to do list going but everything is so easy that i'm holding off so that i will have something to do later this afternoon, is that bad? it's weird as much as i enjoy my job and the people i work with its so hard to stay enthused and energetic about it when its not my passion. some days i wake up and i wish i could be getting ready to head to the set or hit the streets to film my latest documentary. its so hard when mentally this work doesn't stimulate me but realistically the money ain't that bad so i'm in a position where i have to make it work. and i must say that this is not no where near as bad as it was when i worked here last year and ended up quitting. Sometimes i regret that decision but hey i was able to come back so its whatever, but i knew that it wasn't a good fit and when you don't get along with your manager you might as well pull the trigger before they do, right? anyways, i got off track....i love my manager in this new group, so its not that...i'm just bored. this always happens and i try to be "adult" about it and make myslef stick it out because this is not the time to be getting bored with anything that is bringing money to the bank, ya know?! recently i've been working on my docs hoping that i can get that going and just kind of have that stimulate me enough until i can start making money off it and leave the corporate world for the second time!

its crazy when you know what you were born to do but you aren't doing it. and then people criticize you when you can't really do anything about it, sorry but i enjoy making money and i'm not going to give it up just yet. LOL, if i was skinny i would be a stripper just so i could fund my dreams...serioulsy them bitches make benjamin frank-a-lins (in the spirit of Flo Rida) and i don't have that kind of money and at the rate i'm working i won't have it until close to the end of the year...and i'm not sure i can last that long in this place.

i don't know, i'm happy, but not satisfied. it's like being with the love of your life, he/she makes you so happy but they can't satisfy you in the bedroom...you end up feeling disappointed and feeling like blah, what the hell man?!?

Why is losing weight so friggin hard

I am beating myself up inside because i honestly would have been at my goal weight if I would have just stuck to the damn working out on a daily basis! What the hell happened?!? I will tell you what happened, LIFE. This always happens to me and I am in no way complaining, just mad at myself because i didn't stick to it. I had a clear cut plan and i let go of the vision. i was already up against the wall, i didn't have support and i didn't have the tools i needed to be successful. my mind was right for the first month, nothing could keep me away from the gym...but then something happened and i started using the excuse that i was bored and that no one was in my corner...so i stopped going to the gym. I'm really bummed out about this because i had this all planned out, i wanted to jump start my year with 3 months of working out and then get on a regular schedule of going a couple day a week to maintain whatever i lost...but i wasn't stong enough--mentally. i let things get in the way and now i'm sitting here feeling like a failure. blah. okay enough of that.

Here's how i'm going to change this!

I am going to get over my past and anything else that got me to this point and that is holding me back. The only way to move forward is to let go...so i'm doing that now. It's gone. *whooosaaaahhhhhhhh* Next, I'm going to get back into a regular workout schedule starting today, literally today March 30th, 2009. If i don't go to the gym, i will be at a track or walking somewhere. After that, NO MORE Excuses! I am the queen of procrastination, i can stall and make excuses for just about anything, and that is stopping today! Nothing is more important than my health. I am also going to continue eating healthy once I mix this with my cardio things should be somewhat easier. And the last most important thing, I'm going to stop the SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA and i'm going to make sure that when i'm not doing anything, that i'm outside doing something. I still have time and i'm going to make the best of these next few months. Summer 09, is all about ME.

*whew* okay that felt great. I'm all in it this time...it's different, i can feel it.

Believe in me, Trust me, Support me.

Current Addiction: Twitter

Dude, is it totally bad that my new addiction is Twitter?!?! Like I had one last year before all of the hype but I cancelled my account and then I signed up again at the beginning of the year, didn't like it so I nixed that account too...and now I'm back. I actually like it this time around because I'm following some pretty interesting people and I'm naturally nosey so it satisfies the need to be in the know at all times. :) But its a serious addiction, last night I found myself Tweeting throughout Making the Band 3, and then updating it before I went to bed. LOL I know I only have 6 followers but geez, I can't help but let everyone in on my life...I'm a SUPER STAR, thought you knew! HAH

I wonder how long it will be around, will it be like myspace and facebook or will it fizzle out like Friendster and hi5? Only time will tell......

So follow me:http://twitter.com/msdocudrama

When The Tables Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings but you knew that you had to because it was the "right" thing to do?

I feel like that right now. *le sigh*

I've always been the type of girl that was very upfront and real with my feelings, but if I knew that I could crush someone's world with that I always held back to spare them the pain. But this situation is so different, I've never been here before. I mean I have but on the other side of the fence. So there is a person who likes me, matter of fact they are in love with me but I am just not on the same page, I'm not even sure how his feelings fast fowarded to this chapter and I'm still at the beginning. What do I do, How do I make this right without causing him pain? I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to just shut him down. I get the sweetest text messages and phone calls from this person but my heart is not with him and it never will be. He is a really sweet guy but he is just not my type, he's not the one for me...I'm something that he cannot obtian because I'm on a different level, therefore he cannot keep me interested.

It's weird because I've been on the recieving end of this so many times. I am the queen at receiving the "I like you, I'm just not looking for anything serious" line...I've heard that so many times and I have found my way of dealing with it. My ability to accept rejection is stronger than most people because I've had to deal with it so much in my life, it's a constant thing for me...so I know how it feels to be rejected...i just don't know how it feels to reject someone.

What do I do?

=o(