Why is EVERYONE igging me?

so i was having a convo with my friend and she told me that i hurt her feelings, now this is the result of a couple friday nights back, (see my post: Friday Nite Lights for more info)to make a long story short we went out to a club, i was enjoying myself and she wasn't so we ended up leaving 30 minutes later...i was quite annoyed but got over it and proceeded to move on because i thought things were fine, but they weren't as i found out today.

anyways, as we were emailing back and forth i kept telling her that i felt like she was acting weird with me, like she was very dry and not her usual self and that she hadn't been since that incident. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like i was calling her a flaker and saying that she was boring because of the one time she decided she wanted to leave a club prematurely. of course i was in total and complete amazement because i felt like WOW, why didn't you tell me this when i brought it up to you a week ago?!? but i didn't say that instead i explained to her why i was annoyed in detail, not sure if she fully understands because emails can be interpreted the wrong way very easily.

I don't know, i just feel like if people have an issue with me they need to be upfront about it because if they sit back and let time pass i will be way ahead of them wondering why they are being so shady towards me. i don't hold grudges and i really can't stay mad at someone for that long unless they royally piss me off but that is rare.

AHH, i don't know it just seems like everyone is ignoring me now. First my best friend is acting funny with me and now mystery man is acting even more weird...wow what a tuesday.

Random Gibberish

Have you ever thought that maybe its time to open up the doors to new prospects?

Lately I've been having thoughts that maybe its time that i make some new friends or shall i say aquaintances. now i love the people that are currently in my life and i have nothing bad to say about them, however they are getting a little boring in the sense that they don't like adventure. i am a very random person so i find it really hard to fit in with people as it is. i like doing things that are out of the ordinary, i enjoy risk taking and just having a grand ole time. i hate the whole image thing and the "i have to be the coolest kid on the block" syndrome. i just like to get in the car and go where ever the wind blows me, that's just the kind of person i am. And after the incident that happened a couple weeks ago i have just been in the mood for change. It's weird because the person that i feel closest to is starting to act "funny". For instance, i asked her if she wanted to go to the britney spears concert in april, she surprisingly turned me down. now normally she would have been game and ready to go, but she just flat out told me she wasn't interested. then she suggested that i go make a new buddy and go with them. i felt like that was kind of a low blow, but whatever. then over the weekend she ended up going out and didn't even bother to invite me. that kind of hurt my feel bads because i just always assume that she will invite me when she goes out and i would do the same. but it didn't happen that way, so it makes me think that maybe she's trying to distance herself..but i dunno. maybe i'm looking too far into this.

In any case, im just ready for adventure. life is too short to stay at home and watch movies all the time. dude you can sleep when you are dead, i'm ready to party and live out loud. Anyone out there ready to play???

Random Thursdays

Its Thursday, say whaaat?

Welcome to my new readers :)

So tomorrow my brother comes back home, he randomly decided to join the marines and just went through 3 months of intensive basic training. So it's cool because he will be here through christmas. My other brother and my mom went down to Californ-I-A to go to his graduation and fly him back up. And my brother sent a pic of what the new marine looks like, OMFG is he skinny and dark. It's crazy how 3 months can change a person. Heck I'm just picturing what I would look like if I went through 3 months of marine bootcamp. *daydreaming* yea, wouldn't that be a sight to see.

Now to the more juicy topics that you've all been waiting for. (just kidding) Not that i want to put my relationship with mystery man out there, but its good to get out my feelings. So recently things have been going well with him despite the minor hiccups along the way. But honestly I'm just not sure if he is someone I should be pursuing as hard as I am. I know for sure that there is something there, but he is so confusing and its been going on for so long. I'm just ready for him to be like "taisha starr, would you be my girlfriend" lol. that would be bomb dot com, but in my reality that would never happen. So i'm just in this stage of waiting for him to get his thoughts together. the only reason i haven't given up on him is because i don't want to lose him as a friend, he is a very special person to me so its like if we can't be together then i will take the friendship as a consolation prize.

OMG, so I have a new stalker. Its riDONKulous! So this guy has been around since like the summer of 06, i think..wow thats a long time. anyways, he started out being somewhat of a french tutor. anyone who knows me knows that i am totally obsessed with everything FRENCH! So he was cool at first, his first language is french so he was just kind of helping me tone up some things. then it turned into him being obsessed with me and now its like borderline crazy scary stalker. so like he used to work at my company but then he quit and then i left for school and blah blah but now i'm back and today he calls me and tells me that hes back too! i'm like OMG now you can just like look up my info and come to my office anytime you want...AHHHHHHHHHHH so yea, i'm now looking for a new job.

OMG stay tuned for my next post about people and how they are so oblivious to when they are wrong.

Happy Hump Day!

*at the top of my lungs* ahhhhhhhhhhhh

*whew*

no that i got that out of the way, i'm SO happy its Wednesday! although i'm super tired, but i know exactly why. i decided to randomly stay up to almost 3am on monday and my body hasn't had the chance to catch up, so now i'm just dragging behind. it really sucks because i can't focus on my work. :0( and today i actually have a lot of things to get done, so its like i kind of need to focus. I just need to have a conversation with someone to kind of snap some energy back into me. i thought texting would do the trick but nope, too slow and not interactive enough. heck, my usual fix of IM'ing ain't even working. I feel so unhealthy today, I so had some planters peanuts, a bag of skittles, and a diet pepsi for my "lunch" today. I know, don't even say it...i can tell that by now you are shaking your head at the computer screen in disgust. times are hard man and all i could muster up was $1.85, lol. i guess i shouldn't have been overindulging on lunch early this week...hehe. its okay once i get home i'm heading straight to the food box to get me some grub, good healthy grub ;o).

so i noticed while reading over my blog that i have so many typos, but its okay...you guys don't mind, do you? lol i hope not cause i'm not going to fix them harharhar!

*sigh* life is a trip sometimes ain't it. but i can't complain. i'm happy for the most part, but trying to find a career changing job ain't easy in the emerald city. now don't get me wrong i enjoy what i'm doing now and it is very temporary because i have NO future interest in this type of work...but i figure that if i'm really going to be aligned with my 2yr plan i need to start working at some media outlets; the raido, tv/news stations, marketing companies...etc. i really need to be somewhere where my creative juices never run dry and where i'm constantly on the move. job searching is exhausting...thats why i enjoy other people doing it for me;i.e. my recruiters. :o)

I feel super rough today, i hate that i don't wake up in enough time to do my hair and makeup at home. i wish that i could just get up at least an hour earlier...ok maybe 30 min earlier so i could actually do my hair at least at home. it makes a huge difference when you come to work ready. at the moment my current routine is waking up at 6:45 (i'm really supposed to be up at 5:30a) running to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth...by the time i'm done its 7a, and i have to find something to wear, put it on and get out the house by 7:15am...and when i get to work naked face and all i sit in the garage and do my eye makeup and just pull my hair back and i call it a day. its so not cool. i want to be done up and ready when i get here.

blah...time to get to work.

back on top

..so in continuation with my last post, i'm now back on good...no scratch that GREAT terms with the mystery man. So we went out to dinner tonight and it was so much fun, when i'm with him i completly loose track of time and i'm just in this fantasy world. i absoloutely love the way he makes me feel. we always have the best conversation and i don't know the connection between us is mos def there. i just wish i was much clearer on his feelings...like i'm pretty good at reading people and he seems so perfect but he still has me confused. i just don't want to end up looking like a fool. he knows how i feel, so i don't know why he's holding back.

*sigh*

OMG my peircing hurts SO bad right now. i just want to pull it out but i can't...i'm tired of my monroe...i'm going to take it out before the end of this month and get my bottom lip pierced instead.

sorry, i totally got off track. but yea, when i'm with him life is perfect. it's weird because i love being affectionate...you know kissing and cuddling, but i will only do it with certain guys. i have to have a true emotional connection with you to even get that close, is that weird? *sigh* i don't know, i just feel like kissing is so personal, its like the person can just suck your sould right out and capture your heart in a split second. but with the mystery guy i just want to pounce on him and give him a long, passionate kiss. he is the second guy that i've ever wanted to kiss, i'm so serious about that. i've only kissed one guy (passionatly tounge and all) in my life and that was my ex, so you can kind of see how serious i take this. kissing and cuddling is just that special to me. i want to kiss him so badly, but dammit i can't, at least not until i know how he feels...

blah enough about that.

dinner was wonderful and so is he.........

I'm acting Young now...

OMG men are so freaking ri-damn-donkulous!

okay okay lemme explain..

so my "friend" hits me up yesterday via Yahoo IM, he asks me how work was going and i told him everything was fine but i was feeling slightly distracted. So he asks me why and what is distracting me...i didn't want to tell him because i really didn't feel the need to disclose to him my sexual frustrations. so i told him it was nothing and that i didn't want to talk about it..so he of course gets upset and doesnt talk to me for the rest of the day.

today comes along and i get a text from him asking me if i'm still trippin, so i'm all confused and ask him what he's talking about..he then proceeds to tell me that he is 25 and i was acting young!?! dude serious, young? the fuck! i was upset, but i didn't let it show...i simply told him that i never thought of my reaction as being "young" and i explained to him why i held back. i added a little joke in there which lightened the mood...now i'm assuming things are kosher between us, but honestly who knows..he is super duper confusing.

now he's like texting me like we never had a lil dispute..its weird. one minute u are mad at me and the next you are loving me...make up ya mind!

sometimes i ask myself if this is all worth it, a part of me is screaming YES and the other half is say RUN far far away...so i'm simply torn...

*sigh*

random talk and putting my life into perspective pt.1

dude i feel super narcissistic, i was updating my myspace page and i was realizing that i have almost 15 albums of myself...lol. they are from over the last 3 years so of course the older ones are private...but still that's a lot of pictures. i was reading up on narcissism and it says that a little bit of self obsession is healthy, so hopefully i'm not going overboard. i just really feel like i am super beautiful, is that weird? i'm not even a cocky person, there are lots of things that i can improve on, but i am in love with my reflection...i can like stare at myself for hours...lol well maybe not hours, maybe like 30min...hmmph...idk i'm special..hehe

wow it's 11:30, almost tuesday! this is my 7th blog today..eek. my mind has been in overdrive lately so excuse my excessive need to blog. today has just been one of those days when i feel all alone. seriously none of my "friends" texted me today *sad face*. i even sent some messages out and never received a response...oh wells guess people are too busy for lil ole me. i'm not worried, it was just an observation.

so i posted the link to this blog in a more visable place on my myspace so i'm sort of afraid of the views that i'm about to get. hopefully people will read the disclaimer and not get their undies in a bunch.

my brother comes back on friday and man things are going to change up again, not sure if i'm ready for it. i kind of got myself accustomed to a few luxuries while he was gone and now that he is coming back i'm afraid that losing them will be extremely hard to do. i guess i could have prepared better for this but honestly i've been putting back for my video equipment, no one is helping me with any of the projects i'm working on so i'm focused on doing this all myself. i just hate that the economy is so tight, i was willing to get a second job but quickly realized that i'm not willing to give up certain freedoms.

is it wrong that i don't like to live by the rules? or that i hate restrictions? my ideal life is to be able to do what i want to do (under God's will of course) and not have to worry about breaking or following rules or being held back by anything. i just want to live my life to the fullest. i absolutely hate the 9-5 thing, its SO not me, but i do it because i know i have to...i have to give up something to get the reward i'm seeking, right? sometimes its just hard because mentally i know that i'm selling myself out by wasting time at these big corporations when i could be putting my creative talent to use. but i don't get paid to sit and write scripts, at least not yet. so right now i have to work just like everyone else until i'm able to pursue my dream with both feet on the ground.

*thinking "someone text me puhlease*

i don't know on my drive to work today i realized that everything that i have done in my past, career wise, has done nothing for my future...weird huh? like since i was 18 (23 now) i've been working at a large and well known corporation and that is literally my entire resume. at first i was okay with working there and pursuing a false goal, but once i reached that goal i got bored and wanted to move on. i tried to move on and ended up right back where i started, WTF man?!?! everyday i rack my brain trying to figure out my next move. yes, i know i have my 2yr plan that is currently in full affect, but dammit i can't wait 2yrs...i might not even be here in 2yrs, so why wait? i'm all about taking risks...so idk i'm just ready for that opportunity of a lifetime. you know everyone gets the chance of a lifetime to make a difference, some of us see it and some of us don't...i'm not trying to miss my chance to do something great.

i was watching the britney special "for the record" last night on mtv and it inspired me in some weird way. just watching her inspired me to make a move, even when i was watching keyshia cole "the way it is" on bet her story inspired me...heck even my girl beyonce has been inspiring me lately. i don't know i have so many inspirations coming my way, i just need to light the fire and get moving...

i have all the pieces to the puzzle, now i just have to put them together...

ahhhhh *sigh* putting my life into perspective is getting easier...one day at a time i suppose...one day at a time...

good nite folks

re: letter to myself

so about 6 months ago i did a letter to myself at a period in my life where things were oh so depressing, so this is just a continuation...don't worry, if you don't understand just go back and read the drama that is my life :o)!

dear me,

how are ya gorgeous? things have been so much better since you decided to let go and let God. sometimes you just have to stop trying to control everything and let things flow naturally. although things haven't been perfect life certainly seems to be on the up and up, right?

i'm loving that new confidence that you are portraying. so many people don't understand the hair issue and how big it was of you to let it go and just do its own thing. its, okay in time they will see the difference. i'm so proud that you are allowing yourself to roam freely without any inhibitions. i love how you don't care what people think and the random stares you get, you are just being the star you were born to be. not everyone has the confidence to be different in this cookie cutter world.

wow, so the love life is so-so...but hey you can't complain. you have a really great guy in your life who accepts you for all your flaws, even though things are not the way you want them, he's a great friend to you without all the extra frosting (;o)). i know you want to find love so badly, just be paitient and it will find you. keep on doing what you are doing, being different and daring and your "prince charming" will find you when you least expect it (i know that sounds cliche but its true).

ah before i forget, stay focused on your dreams and goals. I know sometimes it gets hard because no one believes in your vision, but you can't blame them...everyone has dreams of fame so what makes yours any different. wait a minute, don't answer that...i know what makes yours different...you were born to succeed so your dreams are actual a reality in the making. keep pushing forward and eventually you will reach your shining star.

i'm so proud of you..you have come a long long way since this summer. your confidence is great, you are beautiful in every way. nothing can stop you...stay strong and keep growing.

you have a bright future! speak your destiny into exisitence and never doubt yourself girl, you are a star!

love, me..

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

Canon XL2 Camcorder Outfit with Lens

MacBook Air

iPod Touch

Sony Cyber-shot DSC-T70

Gift Card to Torrid

Chance by Chanel (love this fragrance)

Prada Infusion d'iris

Makeup!!

www.maccosmetics.com
www.sephora.com

To Be Continued...

another installment of pet peeve mania!

okay, so as we all know i'm a very simple person...quite easy to please but i do have my little quirks (hey it just wouldn't be right if I didnt, right?).

Why is it that when you send someone a simple text message saying hi and such they can't respond back in a timely manner?!? it's like i know you got my message, i'm sure your phone vibrated or sung a lil song when my message came thru...let me guess you looked down in excitment hoping it was that special person, you open your phone and surprise its just me..ahahahaha. too funny. but no seriously, why can't people just do me the courtesy and respond, that way i'm not sitting here feeling like a total douche for sending you a message.

i just don't get it. i mean when people send me texts, i always respond...that's the nice thing about text messages, you can respond in detail or just with a one word response and hopefully the person on the recieving end will sense whether or not you want conversation. i don't know maybe its just me.

i just hate texting people because i'm never sure if they are going to ignore me or not. being ignored via text is just as bad as walking down the street and seeing someone you know, running up in excitment to say hi and they just walk right past you like "now what sucka". oh wells.

and the thing that makes it worse is when that person texts you on a random monday morning and you don't respond to them they get all butt hurt and want to bitch you out because now YOU are igging THEM. ahh how the tables turn.

so this is what pet peeve #1009, lol just kidding.

Youtube return??

I decided that I am going to start vlogging again, recently I have had so much to say but never have anyone to say it to. I'm borrowing my friends camera so I figure may as well take advantage of it, right?

I think this time around I will focus more on my natural hair journey and other issues that come up. I am going to do my best to stay out of all the Youtube drama. I kind of got myself caught up in the whole BM bashing BW thing. I'm not sure how that happened because it totally wasn't my intention..but it happened nonetheless(gosh i love that word) because of a video i did entiteled "no i don't like thugs". apprently people looked so deep into it and they started telling me how i didn't get it and how i was apart of the problem. it was quite comical because these men think that they know how each and every BW acts. what they don't understand is that we are all very different and were raised differently. it just seems like no matter what you say there will always be someone there to argue with you, so i just smile and respond to their comments. but yea that video totally got me caught up in that whole drama. so i'm going to do my best to keep that type of drama off my channel.

In any case I'm ready!

Friday Night Lights...

so my weekend was such a blur, but not in a good way. So anyone who knows me knows that I am a little ball of energy, I just love living out loud and doing it big everyday. So it was only natural that when Friday came around that I would be ready to go out and have fun. So i call up my friend and ask her if she's DTK (love it) so at first she's like excited and ready to put on her party hat...but then once we got to the club her whole attitude changed. That's when I knew that the night was going to go sour, but of course me being the positive person that I am, I decided to just smile and hope for the best. A couple things upset me that night, #1 I had to drive to Seattle and pay for parking (which was only $5 but hey times are hard, #2 I sat in the car for an hour wasting valuble dancing and drinking time so that I could try to hype up my friend, #3 I had to pay her cover (which was $10 and mine was only $5, go figure), and #4 we ended up leaving the club after only 30min of standing in one place. I could go on but I'm choosing not to list everything because it will only anger me.

I just hated the fact that she went to the club with the intention of not having fun, it's like she knew no one from our crew would be there so she wasn't even trying to have it. I dislike people like that and I never saw that side of her until that night. It was like we sat in the car and she just kept saying how drunk she had to be to enjoy herself and how we should have went somewhere else and blah blah blah. And the fudged up part was that the club was actually cracktastic, like it was really poppin...the music was right, it was packed but not too bad. The only issue I had was that it was extremely hot in there...like they neglected to fix the A/C, but other than that it was coolness. It was like she didn't want to have fun, she choose not to have fun which resulted in her spoiling my night. So 30min into us just standing on the dance floor I polietly asked her if she wanted to leave and she was like yes, so I swallowed my pride, put on my happy face and drove her home. Then of course I was bored out of my mind because it was only 1:15am!!! It was slightly irritating.

I also got irritated at the fact that she was telling me her plans for Saturday as if she was really including me. Apparently there was a birthday party and they were having it at a place that I dislike for my own personal reasons. I am open to going there for special occasions, but its rare. So she mentions to me that they were having dinner earlier in the evening, so after she tells me that shes like telling me how she's getting picked up at 7:30 and that if I'm going I need to find my own ride if I don't want to drive...so at this point I'm like WTF..I'm so over the impromptu invites...they don't make you feel loved at all. It's more like a "oh I'm going here and since I know you have nothing to do, would you like to come? Oh yea but if you do come you need to find your own ride and stuff..hehe hehehe." Grrr I hate that!

Then on top of that, I am always told be this person how they hate it that I have to trick myself into having a good time when I go to certain places. My whole reason for that is that sometimes I don't enjoy certain people or venues so I have to hype myself up so that I can look past it and have a good time regardless. She on the other hand loves to say how its the people not the place that makes a good time and how she can have a good time ANYWHERE, ha...so contridicting.

The highlight of my night were the racoons that were harassing me when I got home. Yes, I said racoons. It was crazy, I like get home and I'm sitting in the car and I look out the window only to see a family of 5 walking across the front yard. And they just like stopped and chilled there for a moment, like they knew I was sitting there and they were trying to show me whose boss. It was funny, yet traumatizing.

Moral of this story:

Don't go out somewhere if you don't really want to go! Practice what you preach!!

wait, what did i miss??

OMG, I need to like recap so much!

Hmm, lets start with Vegas, it was GREAT! I had fun and I'm so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and doing me every step of the way. I went down there with the intention of not worrying so much about my hair and the way I looked and it turned out great. At the end of the day I felt confident and sexy and was getting love from everyone.

So after we got back from Vegas it was the week of thanksgiving, so I was persuaded into going out on the night before thanksgiving. i had never been out before on the day before so i was a little weary about the whole thing, but once I got a little liquor in me i was ready to party. that turned out to be a very random night..we will go into more detail in a separate blog.

thanksgiving day was cool although it was a little weird not having my brother or my dad around. but we still managed to have a grand ole time.

the weekend is another story...so i will do that in a separate post as well.

overall these last 4 days have been wonderful and relaxing.

Thirsty Thursday!

Grrr! So i'm at work and I'm trying to finish up a few things before tomorrow and my stupid wi-fi keeps disconnecting...It's been doing this since I moved into this building and it's making me SO mad.

In other news.

So last night we had another successful Happy Hour/Cocktail night! I'm really proud of myself, I had the idea and sprung it into action. I think it's a lot of fun and a great way to get closer to people that are sometimes misunderstood. Last night after dinner/drinks we ended up going to the lounge in Belltown. It was a lot of fun and man I think I may have a new crush. LOL. I've seen this guy many times before but never have I had any 1:1 contact with him, well ever since I started wearing my hair natural he has been noticing me a lot more, usually before I even recognize him. Last night was no different, he spotted me (how could you miss the only black girl with a big afro) and he walked right over. We had a nice little convo about nothing, I smiled and nodded and he just talked and talked. He is the cutest thing my eyes ever did see. He is filipino, I have always said that if I join in the swirl whirl that I would either date a filipino or a white dude. There is something about this guys swag that is just off the ricktor scale...wow, i'm impressed.

I really don't think that I should have went out last night because I am SO sleepy and I am literally trying so hard just to keep my eyes open, its really tough. I just don't understand how I can have a job but be SO bored. Hopefully my next role will be much more fulfilling.

Tomorrow this time (Wow was that dislexic or what), this time tomorrow I will be in Vegas! I'm so excitied this is a much needed vacay so things will hopefully go smoothly. I am trying to work on focusing on just being me and having fun and not so much on men.

Over the last couple of days men of caused me so much trouble. Not going into because I have forgiven and forgetten so its done.

Aww 15 to 5, but I'm still going to be here a bit longer...

missin you

i can't believe that i may not see you or talk to you for 2 whole months, i wish i there was more that i could do...unfortunatley i'm stuck. but i miss you, this past weekend i did my best to keep my mind off of you, but of course your laugh and your voice kept creeping back into my mind. the last time i saw you everything was perfect, but i could sense your uncertainty for the events that were to take place the next day. i did my best to keep your mind off it and i tried so hard to just be a good friend. i knew that i was probaly not going to see you for a while after dinner that night, but i stayed strong for you.

gosh i just want to see you right now, i just wish that i could call you right now. as much as i am trying to stay strong i'm feeling so helpless....

i want to do more...i need to do more...

like i always tell you, i will do anything for you...

stay strong, think positive...i love you

Nappturality

i am finally comfortable with being natural...its a great feeling. i feel completly liberated, i have finally come to the realization that its not about hair...its how you rock it. what i mean by that is that you have to have confidence and when you don't it shows. this past weekend i pretty much threw caution to the wind and rocked my kinky curly fro, i felt so good for the first time in a long time. this weekend i got more compliments from random people then i have since going natural 10 months ago. its nuts! i think its the fact that i am comfortable with being different that people are attracted too. its funny because my brothers have always said that i look like jill scott, i don't see it but i guess others do...i got so many "i see you boo, doin it big gettin yo jill scott on" lol hilarious. i just laugh because i'm just like i'm tryin to do ME...but i feel good about it.

i'm happy that i'm finally accepting myself and working with my natural beauty and just in time for my vegas trip. dude the last time i went to vegas i was so caught up in the whole having to look bomb dot com that i lost myself. i was so easily convinced that my hair wasn't good enough to rock natural in vegas so i straightend my hair and wore a ponytail, and i tried to fit in but at the end of the day i felt like a sellout to myself. so this time around i'm going to do me and i don't care if people hate it or love it.

i know i'm beautiful and i finally believe it. after years of self doubt which stemmed from bad realationships and rejection from my younger years...im free because i LOVE me!

vegas pt.2

ok so me and my bestest friend in the whole entire universe are going to sin city this weekend! i'm so excited because it was completly at random and spontaneous. this time around we are mos def going to do things right, the last time we went it was fun but so unorganized. i don't know i'm a stickler for having an agenda/intinerary when traveling, it just keeps you on schedule and you can have more fun because you know your options. i'm just really excited to see my vegas boo and introduce him to my bff, im excited to go to some shows and just let loose and have fun.

the thing i love about vegas is that you can be someone else for the weekend, its like you can really live out loud...the environment down there is just like whoa, the lights, the people, the gambling, the shows, the celebs...man its just the greatest place on earth next to the south of france...but damn i'm excited.

Shady People

ok, so this is a slightly unedited continuation from my "quick rant" blog on myspace.

shady people are just on a whole notha level, like seriously how can you flat out be two faced. i have never understood that, its like you will say stuff to me that leads me to believe one thing and then when i see you out and about you will be the biggest douche ever. not so sure what thats all about, and i swear i thought we squashed that...but i guess you my friend still have issues.

i just hate feeling like i'm a bug a boo, when i'm the least clingy person you will ever meet. why do you think guys love me so much...i'm real and i give people their space. so when you have me thinking one thing and then you do some questionable shit its like damn are you for serious? ahhh, i just don't know what to think anymore.

this whole situation makes me feel like you are sizing me up, like you have to make sure i'm in the "in" crowd before you can actually take the time to get to know me. i hate when people do some elementary shit like that. i'm not begging you to be my friend/aquaintance...whatever you want to call it...shit i'm cool by my damn self. i love the people who are in my life right now...maybe you think i'm like obsessed with you or something, i dont know. but i feel like this, all my life i have been teased, made fun of, put down, rejected by my own damn people and others...so you igging me and acting hella shading is nothing new, been there done that and quite frankly i dont have time for it. i'm a nice person, a real human with feelings and emotions...im sorry i'm not that model chick but damn i haven't had any complaints so far. i am just over the whole thing...like this feels like a game to me...cat and mouse...tom and jerry type shit.

IDK, i just think people take my text and calls as more than what they are worth, you know...i think people assume that i'm like in love with them when i'm not...trust me if you were worth that much of my heart you would already know by now.

*sigh* i'm just going to continue to do me and when you decide that you are done rolling in that shady ass mud then you hit me up and let me know what's good.

i digress

*disclaimer* please do not sit at your computer and try to figure out who this is about, i'm not naming anyone, not even tryin to call anyone out, and you most likely don't know them. don't assume that you know, if you are curious just ask!

Random Tuesdays

today has been so random so far, like i woke up all energized singing that damn Flo Rida song Ayer. LOL picture me at the gas station, dancing to that song literally putting my hands in the "ayer ay ayer". Then I like get on the freeway to the beautifulness of no traffic! it was crazy because I left super late and I still got to work around the same time i do when I leave at 7:30, it was crazy. Then when i got to work i had to bust out laughing because I was thinking about my friend, lets call him George..he does these impressions of everyone in our crew and one in particular is just super hilarious. So I was like sitting in the car trying to recreate the moment...ahh it was too funny.

Now I'm like sitting in my office trying to debate if lunch is really that important, its raining cats and dogs outside...do I really want to walk to another building to get food or am I content chilling in my office until i go home? Damn that helped...i'm not about to walk in the rain...

OOH so i have a story from the weekend that will be continued in the next post...so read read read my luvs.

Love, Life, & Men

So my life and love have not been on the same page lately...seems like everything i touch turns to dust right before my eyes.

Mentally I am at the same place I was a couple months ago, ready for love and ready for a new adventure. Well an old flame decided to waltz back into my life and stirred up all sorts of emotions. I found myself getting quickly attached and falling hard for his mind games. I was just so happy that he came back to me after a few lonely months apart. I was so happy to find out that him and her didn't work out. Over the last couple months he has quickly made his way to the top of my priority list, catering to every need that he has. At first I thought it was a good thing, an answered prayer...I thought he was the one that I'd been waiting for. But then of course with all good things that happen to me follows a heart breaking blow to my reality.

One night in my drunken stuper (after a hard night of partying with my friends) I decided it would be a great idea to confess my love for him via text message. The next morning I just knew that I had done something stupid so I checked my messages and read what I had sent him. Oh was I embarassed. I quickly called him to apologize and explain myself and of course being the gentleman that he is, he told me not to worry about it and that it was okay. So i tried to let it go, but i couldn't help but wonder how he felt about me. So i kept pressing the issue and never really got the answer i was looking for, heck i didn't even get an answer at all.

so now i'm wondering should i stick around or just let it go...

every time i mess up he seems to punish me by ignoring me, but every time i come through for him he showers me with praise. He is full of mixed emotions and gives off confused vibes.

when it comes to him i really don't know what to do...its been almost 2yrs and i feel like we have come a long way, but we are still so far from everything we want.

hmmph

i digress

Barack Obama = CHANGE!

wow, I am so speechless right now, but I wanted to take this time to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere that i can go back and read whenever i get discouraged or feel like things are not possible. this is the most historical moment of my life, i really don't know if people feel what i'm saying. wow, i mean after years of being misunderstood and simply written off we finally have our chance to prove to america that we have a significant place in this country.

never in a million years would i have ever thought that a black man would become president, i can't believe that there is actually a black first lady and a black first family. wow, this gives me all the inspiration in the world to go after EVERY dream and goal i have. i remember when i first heard about the presidental candidates 2 years ago, i was so skeptical of obama but over the last year he has won my heart. i truly believe that he will act on his promises, his speech was excellent.

mccain's closing speech was classy, but his follwers not so much. they were disrespectful by booing and simply showing a lack of class, but his closing speech was good.

i'm so happy, and i can't express my feelings any other way...just crying and smiling. :))))

Nov. 4th *after voting*

so i just voted and it felt great! I'm kind of nervous, but excited about the results. i'm really hoping that we get the change that we so deserve, our country is at an all time low and i would love to see it make its way back to the top and be that admired place that everyone all over the globe dream of living one day.

I can't believe how historical this is, gosh i wonder what all the great civil leaders of the past would say right now. Man this is so awesome and there is so much emotion going through me right now. I never thought that I would ever see the possibilty of a black president....crazzzzzzzy. I always thought it was impossible. but this truly makes me feel like anything can happen.

right before i voted a friend sent me this video of these ignorant people at a mccain/palin rally, it proves that racism still exisit and isn't as hidden as it seems. these people were making statements calling obama a terrorist and a nigger...wth. one woman even said that obama was anti-white which didn't make a lick of sense considering that obama is half white and was even raised by his white grandmother(RIP). *sigh* it pains me to know that there are so many blind people out there who have no clue about the real world, they are like stuck in a time warp or something. this election isn't about race or gender, it is about voting in the right man (or woman) for the job.

i'm just happy that i have the oppurtunity to place my vote, because in the end it really does count...

It's no secret that I'm all for Obama/Biden, but good luck to both parties!

sibling love

so it's officially been 1 week since my little big brother left for the marines basic training. He is supposed to be back sometime in December. I can't believe its only been a week, i swear it seems like its been 2 months already. The first night he left we got a phone call from him, my mom said that all she heard was the officers in the background yelling at them and telling them what to say. He pretty much was allowed to tell us that he had made it to san deigo and that the next time we would hear from him would be in 2 weeks via a written letter. so that means that next week we should get a letter from him. i hope that he's doing okay, my brother is totally opposite from me so i know he's fine. i would seriously start crying if someone was yelling at me, i am just not agressive at all and i hate being yelled at. my brother is extremly nonchalant about everything, so i know if they are being agressive with him he won't show any emotion until he's alone. i can't imagine 3 months without seeing my brother. its weird how you never really know how much you will miss someone until they are actually gone. i mean i knew i would miss him, but i didn't think it would be that much. i find myself checking out his vids on youtube they make me laugh but then i have the sudden urge to cry. its just weird not hearing his voice or seeing his face like in front of me. goodness i'm such a girl, i am like literally tearing up as i type. so let's move on...

why is everyone iggin me?

okay, random! my views on this blog have sky-rocketed...who the hell is reading this thing and NOT leaving comments?!?

anyways, I must say that the last 3 weeks have been rather interesting as far as people and relationships go. i am kind of bothered, i mentioned it to my bestie...she told me that maybe people are just busy. but i see it as straight up bitchassness mixed in with a little fakeness. let me explain...so for the last 3 weeks i've been reaching out to people, you know saying hi, asking how they are and i have yet to receive one response. so that has me feeling like people are ignoring me and that they don't like me. now i'm not one to really give a damn whether someone likes me or not...it doesn't really matter to me because at the end of the day i'm here to please myself and God. the problem that i'm having is these people are doing for no reason as far as i'm concerned. no one has approached me and said anything to me along the lines as why they may be upset with me. it just irks me to the pit of my soul because it takes me back to my school days when i was picked on, outcasted by the black kids, teased and rejected by every person i tried to get close to. now back then i had no confidence and i hated myself...so its a little different. if this were to happen 7 years ago i would have been like everyone hates me i wanna crawl in a ball and die. but now i'm like fuck them for hating for no reason...its dumb. i'm so over this little kid shit, people are sensitive...they see some words on the computer screen take it to heart without really understanding the emotion behind it. like i tell everyone "IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME LET ME KNOW, YOU WILL NOT HURT MY DAMN FEELINGS"!

one thing that i pride myself on is calling out bullshit and right now i smell it and i'm ready to call these people out. i don't understand why people ignore and hate on me. i am too nice and too inviting to have people simply turn their back to me. i need a reason! and it's not just the people that i hang out with who are ignoring me, it seems like everyone and their mama is. it's so weird.

my favorite lil wayne lyric:
"i got summer hating on me because i'm hotter than the sun, got spring hating on me because i ain't never sprung, winter hating on me because i'm colder than y'all and i will never i will never i will never fall....i'm being hated by the seasons so fuck y'all who hating for no reason"

that describes my life right now....enough said.

the best day ever

the excitement is rising! i got the best news yesterday morning and i've been happy ever since. now since it's still not official i'm not going to announce it...but i'm so happy. i feel things shifting, and i finally feel like i've gotten another chance..yay me!

ran-dumb-ness

so its 4:10am and i'm still not sleep.

argh! i feel another bout of insomnia coming on. i need for this thing i'm waiting on to come through. i'm praying that i get it, i feel like it's mine already. i hope i find out later today, if not then on tuesday. i need some good news in my world, something to keep the motivation going.

so the olympics came to an end last night. so sad. now i'm like trying to figure out what i want to watch on the tube. it's weird how as i get older i stop watching tv. there is really nothing substantial on nowadays. the only days that i really watch tv are the days when my fave shows are on and i literally only watch tv for the hour they are on and then i am back on the computer or off doing other things. but when the olympics was on i was up every night watching like every event...so now i'm stuck in that mode and i want so badly to watch tv but there ain't nothing good on. wth man.

i know fall is coming because its starting to get lighter outside after 5am. :(

so starting next scratch that this sunday i'm going back to church. i have mixed feelings on this and will probaly do a separate blog on the topic. now i love the Lord and i believe in God, but its just the idea of church that drives me insane. i like the principal of it but its just that so much hypocritcizm (is that even a word?) and gossip goes on that it turns me off. but my mom and brother have talked the church up so i figure i'll give it a shot.

i'm still doing good on my abstinate stance. i don't know what the correct term is abstinence or celibacy, but in any case i'm still doing great. yay for no sex! lol. for reals, i cannot believe how taboo HIV/AIDS is in the black community, yet it is the #1 killer in black women between 25-30...freaking crazy. i'm just trying to mind my p's and q's and stay on top of my shit. if i'm going to have sex please believe its condom or no pussy okkkkkaaaaaaay!

ok its now 4:30am.
nite nite or shall i say good mornig. hehe

men..enough said.

men are so freaking confusing!

true story.
so i was online last night and i got a message from my friend. now we had a IM conversation earlier last week about an issue that he was having and i told him that i would try to help him because i do care about him and i consider him a friend so it was no biggie. well anyways, we were chatting on Yahoo IM about his current situation and he had told me that he was depressed so i tried to give him some positive words of encourgement. well as we were chatting about his situation, he randomly made a comment about how he missed me. (a little background, me and this guy have been close for about a year and some change, he was the first dude that i sorta dated after me and my ex broke up). i was thrown off by this because i thought that he had a girlfriend, i mean according to his myspace he was in love and happy. so for him to miss me made me think, either he is trying to be nice because i'm going to help him or his girl ain't handling business like she should be. but anyways, after he told me that he missed me he went on to tell me how i can call him anytime and that i shouldn't be afraid to call him...it was an interesting convo. it kind of made me smile, but i dunno...i'm not trying to get caught up with him again. i'm on a new path and i'm trying to keep that relationship strickly friends.

now the other confusing man in my life is my "vegas boo"...he is a peice of work. now i've only been talking to him for about 5 or 6 months, but i like him. he makes me smile. he lives in vegas, and we were able to get some down time when i visited back in july. we have similiar personalities...well at least in the sarcastic department, guess its a libra thing. lol yes, he's a libra too. but that was what initially drew me to him, i am a very sarcastic person and usually men are thrown off by that because they assume that i am being rude or argumentative. but he was the only one who can handle it and throw it back at me. so i love it. and we have a lot of similiar interest...so we get along. he even asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend...i left it unanswered because of the distance thing...but the problem with that is that we act like we are closer than what we actually are. so a couple nights ago we were chatting on yahoo and he was telling me about this chick who is feeling him and whatnot so he like brought up the fact that he didn't like her but he had kissed her and would consider having sex with her...so i was trying to not show my feelings and be supportive since i haven't claimed him as my man...but then i told him that i was sad and would be hurt if he did do the whole fuck buddy thing with her...so he responds back telling me that if its going to hurt me he won't go through with it and then he was like she's not his type and blah blah blah...so i was like that's sweet...but not sure if he was being honest. i mean i don't care if he were to do it because i'm not down there to take care of him, not even sure when i'm going back..and we haven't confirmed our relationship so its like whatever. but i do like him, so i'm willing to take a couple steps back and let things take its course. so for right now we are friends and thats enough for me. :)

blah...that's a lot of sharing. lol

men are confusing but i love them.

kick rocks! another weekend at home...blah

blah...another night at home. i hate this, like seriously when will it be my turn to have fun. i haven't like been out hardcore in like 4 weeks, lately its like every weekend i end up going out one night or i don't go out at all. so many varibles lead up to this madness. this is like the one thing that drives me insane. i am not a homebody, i am a social outgoing person and i need to be around people. i just feel like after a long hard week its nice to be able to reward yourself with a fun filled crazy weekend. and i'm sad to say that i've not had that in so long...and it's like i'm really not going to be doing anything next weekend either...so i don't know...looks like i will be stuck at home until my birthday which is like a month away...oh wells. this is the story of my life.

one more thing, its not the fact that i'm not out with my friends having fun that is bugging me right now, its more or less the fact that i was so close and got sidetracked. i understand that family comes first, but if my mom would have told us that we were going to have to pick up my youngest brother from football practice in advance i would have been better prepared. but since she waited until we were literally walking out the door it screwed everything up. then when i asked my other brother if i could borrow his car to get to my destination all hell breaks loose. i guess it just wasn't in the stars for me to go out again.

i'm off to bed, maybe i can have a fab dream of me partying it up like i used too...

nite nite

weekend rap up

hmmph.

so this weekend was interesting. i didn't do too much as far as socializing with the locals is concerned. i decided not to go out on friday night because honestly the club scene in seattle is slightly wack...and i have better things to do than stand in a crowded room with no ventilation. saturday night i went out, it was cool...besides the fact that i was sweating like a freaking hog. why is it that these establishments refuse to turn on the air conditioner when they know its 90 degrees outside and they are damn near at the fire code limit?!? blows my mind. nonetheless, i still had lots of fun. i was supposed to go to a bbq today, but i had something else come up so i decided not to go.

i went to this new restaurant...famous daves. it was pretty good. our waiter was super hyper...lol i swear he like popped a pill or something before he came to work.

blah.

today was cool.

next weekend i'm supposed to go out for my friends bday. then after that i think i'm taking a break until my birthday.

have you ever?

have you ever just sat and listened to music and every song that played just so happened to remind you of something that you can't and probaly will never have?

that has been happening to me lately. i even updated my ipod with new songs that had little or nothing to do with love. and its like my mind will be completly clear then i will hear a song that brings back memories rushing into my mind. and immeadiatley following that is a reminder that those are only memories and will never be more than that. sucks.

even though in an earlier blog i had said that i didn't want to be involved in a relationship until after i had reached several milestones, i lied. well i guess i didn't really lie, i just changed my mind slightly. i would love to meet someone that i could get to know on a friendship level, but someone who has the potential to be more. i just don't want the confusion of a relationship right now, but i do want someone to spend time with and get to know better. make sense? hmmph. it just seems like everyone that i was involved with is now wifed up...which sucks because i start to feel lonely when i think about the possilbity that they could have been with me. but i know that things happen for a reason so i'm not letting it get to me too much. i guess being single for almost 2 years (1 year & 7months to be exact) is starting to affect me on a mental and emotional level. it affects me phsyically too but not as much because i am sticking to my celibacy vow...i just miss the kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands...everything but the sex.

i guess i will use this time to really make sure that i've found myself that way when i do meet someone i won't be persuaded into being something i'm not. i mean i know who i am, but i have a tendency to lose myself when relationships get serious. i guess i just want someone to spend my time with right now, i like the "getting to know you" phase...it's fun and exciting. and for the first time in a long time i'm not talking to anyone...can you believe it...i have no love interest, i don't even have a crush on anyone right now. freakn A!

what happened to trust and secrets?

so i just got done posting a blog on my myspace, but i had to do some of it in french, because i didn't want certain people to read it...anyways. so i have another pet peeve!!! and the crowd roars....yayayyayayaaaay! lol

so over the weekend, i was approached by someone regarding some information that i had told a friend of mine. it was weird because i didn't tell anyone but this one person so i knew that the only way that this other person knew about it was because my friend told. don't you just hate when you confide in someone and they run and tell other people your business?!? that pisses me off. so i have decided that i'm not sharing my personal life with anyone in particular...everyone will find out shit at the same time. i don't like people discussing my business without me, there is just something so fake about that whole situation.

what ever happened to trust? i just feel like i can't share anything with anyone anymore...that's why i blog/vlog because i don't trust anybody...so if anyone is going to put my business in the streets it will be me. sometimes i just want to be sure that if i tell someone something that they actually keep their mouth shut or at least ask me before they go blabbing my business to the ears on the street!

whew! i feel so much better now, so the rant is done.

today was great, and i must say i'm loving the change. life is just making me smile lately. although i have a lot of rejection and down falls, i can't help but smile everyday that i wake up. i was going to make another blog but i think i'll just combine it...two sepatate topics, but whatever.

so after hearing about the passing of bernie mac and issac hayes this weekend it reminded me again just how short life really is. both of them were fairly young and probaly were not expecting to meet the maker anytime soon. it made me think of all the things that i have planned for myself...will i ever see them through? who knows, but what i do know is that everyday i want to accomplish something. i want to learn something, i want to experience something, i want to do something...i don't want to waste a moment. and i don't want to spend it talking to fake friends or just fake people in general...life is too short to waste time dealing with stuff like that. i am going to continue to NOT complain about anything...i'm just going to continue to push forward and make my life happen!

freaking friends...yea right...lol so comical!

lol...people crack me up with their fakeness.

true story...so i'm getting ready for a fun filled saturday night, but of course since i don't really have dependable transportation for the time being i have to consider peoples feelings when i ask for rides and whatnot. so i'm all dressed, hair and makeup done ready to go, when i get a phone call...during this conversation the person on the other end who is supposed to be my "bff" (not sure about all of that, but whateva) is like rushing me and giving me this lil attitude. i was constantly telling her that i had no idea when i would be on my way because i had to wait on my dad to get his stuff together before we left...now please keep in mind that it is only 7:45ish at this time...so shes telling me how shes getting impatient, so i told her that if she didnt feel like waiting to just leave, since she was acting like she was going to miss out on something if she didnt leave right that second. and then the next words she said to me kinda sealed the deal for me...she says to me "well have fun sitting at home" and then she hangs up. now at first i was kinda shocked because i didn't expect my so called best friend to do some scandalous shit like that...and then two seconds later tears started falling out my eyes because i realized how little she really cared, and it hurt my feelings. after crying for like 5 minutes i was over it...i'm like whatever trick.

moral of the story.
don't treat your closest friend like crap just because you want to go run behind other people. watch what you say to people because you never know how they will consume those words.

seriously i probaly would have been at her house within 30 mins of that convo, but she was so impatient that it wouldn't have mattered. but i learn from situations like these... and that my friends is why i don't ask people for help and i don't ask people for anything else because they always flip on you and show their true colors. i just hope that it was all worth it because my feelings were most defenitley hurt and over a few minutes of time that she could have waited. if it were me, i would have waited for her and just met up with the others. its still early, things would have evened out. and i would have never said to her "have fun sitting at home". that was just low down. but i guess i value my friendships a lil more than she does.

now i remember why i always say i don't have friends...lmao...

i just think that it's important to treat people with kindness no matter what because today could be my last day on earth and the last words she would have said to me would have been rude and inconsiderate. then she would have felt bad because all she had to do was wait a lil more...but she couldn't do that. life is too short for some BS like that...blah

oh well...you live and you learn.

it's funny how things happen..

ok, so i'm a little confused right now. so this dude who shall remain nameless, is such a confused peice of work. i was on his myspace last night and his status was "married" and he had up a new pic of him and someone else who shall remain nameless...then he had this blog up that was titled "love". so i was like oh thats cute, he's finally admitting that he has a girlfriend, now he will leave me alone. well wasn't i mistaken...lol. so today, i get notified on the little myspace thing that he changed his profile again, so of course i go and peep it...and its showing that his status is changed back to "single", his default pic is changed, and he altered the blog titled "love" to "treat her right". so in his new blog he changed around the words a little bit and added some other thoughts. i don't know, it's like he loves this other chick yet he still tries to fuck with me. it's so annoying, i've gotten to the point where i simply ignore his advances. it appears to me that this other chick got tired of his games as well, so it's like he loses both. now he gets to start back at square one. love is tricky, and i think that when it comes down to it, you have to be ready and willing to compromise and accept the other person and their faults. but at the same time you have to be smart enough and strong enough to NOT accept the bullshit. i've only been in love one time in my short 22 years of life and it was the hardest 3 years of my life, luckily i learned from it. and now going through this experience i've learned that people will bring you along for the ride and drop you off in unknown territory for you to fend for yourself. that is why i am only opening my heart to the special people, the people who really deserve to know me. i am a complicated person, but i'm also a breath of fresh air once you get in...but most lames don't see that, it's only the real men who get that side of me. i'm happy that the other chick saw what i saw a long time ago, and i'm happy that she's now focusing on her. i just hope that this dude grows up and fast before he loses another chance at love.

relationships definatley teach you lifelong lessons, sometimes they even feel like they are breaking you, but they are really making you stronger. every realatioship that i've dealt with both serious and non-serious have taught me SO many lessons and i've become a much stronger person because of it.

so hopefully people love right the first time, so they can save themseleves from the heartbreak.

why do boys like to play games?

oh boy, i can see some trouble on the horizon coming my way.

don't you just hate when theres that one guy who just never seems to go away? as much as i love this dude, he is nothing but trouble. he seems to come in and out of my life just when he needs me the most. its hard because we were never in a "real" relationship, but it was a relationship...he was the first guy that i dated after me and mk split. and its like this love/hate type of thing. i've always given him everything that he wanted and i'm always there for him, but he's just not the guy that i should be wasting time on. we always go back and forth...like he always gets mad at me for no reason then he will turn around and want to be my friend again.

he's so confusing.

so recently he has been hitting me up like non stop and i know for a fact that he is going through some gf drama...so i can't help but feel like he is hitting me up on some rebound shit. how stupid do i look? i don't know man, like i have so much love for him but i just don't have the patience to put up with his games.

well at least i can honestly say that i am 100% over him and i will never fall for any of his games again.

what a weekend!

woohoo! okay so the weekend is winding down, and i must say that it has been a great one. although we went to the same place twice, it was still fun. i love birthdays and i was happy that i am able to celebrate a birthday with my friends. its great, i believe there is one more birthday before mine, but i may be mistaken. i want my bday to be an event...but we will see how that goes. shit i still have 2 months (roughly) to get into shape. i'm trying to be hella bomb on my 23rd. lol, i'm cute now, but i want to be a dime...i'm like a 7.5, so i need to step my game up...okaaaaay! so the weekend was great, i loved it. now i'm looking forward to the coming week, i have a few interviews...yay for that. i'm always game for making more money, ya dig. no complaining there. so that makes me smile, i don't know but i have a phone interview on monday, lol it was orginaly scheduled for last monday but when the lady called i heard it, but i didn't like wake up to answer it...so she rescheduled. so i'm sure i will nail one of those jobs...

i'm so sleepy and slightly intoxicated. but i'm not drunk, birthday boy on the other hand...he was real juiced...lol he tried to race the car..i love steven, but he cracks me up when he's drunk...its great. i love my friends, they really are the best, all of them are fun and have a certain quality about them. they are like mini celebrities...its great.

real sleepy, but i feel like i have stuff to say.

i wanted to dance tonight because i wore the right shoes, but i didn't have a dancing partner.

grrr, this boy is so dumb, he makes me mad and he's uber confusing...one minute he's mad at me and telling me i'm on his enemy list and the next day he's trying to be nice to me. damn i miss him though, he's like the first guy that i actually dated hardcore right after me and michael split.

so tonite made me realize how much i actual do wish i had a boo. like i don't want to commit to anyone right now, but i wouldn't mind having an option, ya know. like having someone that i'm talking to...but not with. not a booty call, but just a boo. i don't want a man until my life is at a stable point and i'm somewhat working in my career, but i want to be like dating someone who practically would be my man, just not confirmed type of thing....its confusing but i know what i want...its just hard to find it. like when i go out i get hit on by every guy but the one that i want...like tonight i got hit on by an asian guy, he was cute, but not my type and the night before i got hit on by this white dude...he bought me a drink but he was mos def not for me. oh wells, in time.

ok i'm outro...i'm literally falling asleep at the keys.

TMI..sorry.

ok this may be a little TMI, but this celibacy thing is mad crazy. everytime i decide to not have sex, i always hit like the 2 month mark and lose my damn mind. like i start seriously feening and having mad sexually explict dreams...lol. but i'm very strong minded, so i know i can do it. i've went half a year without it before so i know i can do this. i'm just not trying to be a statistic ya know...i'd rather not have sex than catch some random uncurable diesease. plus i'm trying to keep my number down...i ain't trying to run up the milege on my luxury vehicle...wink wink.

haha im outro

its the weekend!

i'm so excited it's Friday! and it's a new month, its August already...hawt damn. this year has literally flew by. it feels like it just started but its already more than half way over. i can't help but notice how fast time is flying. but in any case i'm just happy that it's the weekend, i'm really looking forward to this weekend. i'm hoping that it lives up to my expectations because i would be super upset if i ended up having a crappy weekend since i'm all full of energy. i'm looking forward to later today...i'm going up to the mountain again to do some hiking and then its to the mall to meet up with my sister from another mother, and then hopefully we are going out at night. then saturday is my friends bday and i believe there is going to be a little party in his honor, so that should be exciting. sundays are my recovery days, so i have nothing planned. i just feel like getting dressed up and pretty and going out and having a grand ol time. i feel like a total alchy because i'm like wanting to get drunk...how sad is that. like i just want to be faded all weekend...lol i know i know that sounds horrible.

well happy freaking friday!

It's Time To Get Into Shape!

so i just got done watching a very touching video on Youtube, i'll put the link down at the bottom.

so if you have read my earlier blogs then you know that i am struggling to overcome an eating disorder, so i have always gone back and forth when it comes to my weight but regardless of the struggle i have always maintained a healthy outlook on life. earlier this year i joined a gym with the hopes that i would be able to shed some pounds and hightale my butt back into shape. well with everything else in my world i started and stopped. but i can't help but feel like i need to not give up on this. i know that i need to lose weight and get back into the healthly range. it's hard because sometimes i get embarrased and discouraged. or i simply start feeling comfortable with myself and i settle back into my old habits. and like the saying goes, "old habits die hard" so its always tough to break away from them. but after watching this video and having a bit of words from the family i am taking a stand today to become healthy and i won't stop until i reach my goal.

i am fully aware that heart disease runs in my family and i know that the weight i'm at right now is not healthy and could put me in an early grave. i love living and i want to be here to enjoy life to the fullest.

so i am going to slowly start changing my eating habits, and i know its going to be hard with my bulemia and all, but i have to do it in order to save my life. i may not look huge, but i am overweight and i know i am. i want to be healthy and fit. although i am in shape for my size, i need to get this extra weight off my heart. my new plan is to slowly return to my old vegatarian ways. i am going to nix beef and pork out of my diet. and i am going to slowly get rid of chicken and fish. i am not calling this a diet because diets don't work, this is a lifestyle change...something that will be a foreever thing. starting today, fruits and veggies are my new best friend. whenever i go out to eat at restaurants i am going to stick with soups and salads. i am going to make sure that at home i am eating a salad with a light dressing every night. i also want to make a valid attempt to run/jog every morning. i really want to live the lifestyle of a jogger, they always seem so happy when they are running. i'm excited for this change. although this isn't anything new to my life, its more of a continuation of my pre-Vegas planning.

i am doing this for me and no one else. i need to get healthy for me!

Black people are SO unhealthy as a whole and I do not want to be a statistic.

so my goal is to go from my current weight to 150. its a big jump but i know i can do it! i lost 40 pounds so i know i can do the rest.

i am going to do my best to do a weekly blog updating everyone on my success. so if you are reading this please pray for me and wish me luck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqsbY25rSIQ

i'm just a party girl

oh my gosh, am I an alcoholic or what?? so earlier today i was browsing a drink menu and had the strongest craving for a few cocktails. i think i'm just ready to get my party on man. throughout the week i build up so much energy and by thursday i'm crunk and ready to drink and socialize. i just hope this weekend is fun and allows me to release this energy.

i don't know i used to tell people i was a party girl because i was. i was always out every weekend at the club or just on the scene period. but then i took a lil break and stopped going out as much. but now i'm just like shit, i'm young and i am loving life so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm a very social and outgoing person so i love getting out there and meeting new people and taking back a couple drinks. well maybe a lil more than a couple. lol

the good thing is, i love my friends...each and every one of them...yes there are times when they make me mad and annoy the hell out of me but at the end of the day i love being able to hang out with them and be myself. i remember there was a time when i was afraid to be myself around anyone, for fear of rejection. but now i am all about people getting to know the real me. so i love sitting around the table acting silly, its fun...its the stress relief i need. i look forward to it every week.

for some reason though this week i am looking forward to it more than usual. its like deep down i know this is going to be a great weekend but i don't know why. i can just feel the happiness. its great i love it.

so bottoms up everyone!

happy thursday!

can you tell the difference?

ok, so i'm somewhat annoyed in the sense that their are some super judgemental people in this world. so i'm watching my youtube videos like i normally do, and i visit one of my faves. he is very controversial but he discusses problems in the black community and specifically within in black American women. now at first when i started watching his vids i was offended and felt like he was generalizing all black women as thug lovin, baby havin, welfare, ignorant, uneducated, weave wearing hoes. there were so many times when i wanted to call him out and tell him a little peice of my mind. but the more i listened to him the more i understood that he wasn't making a generalization...he was talking about those specific black women who carried those traits. so my anger went away and my ears and eyes opened wide. i was able to consciously observe the things that he noted in his videos and was able to make small changes in my everyday life . so i'm on his page today and i was looking at his favorites and he had this video up that was about the difference between american black women and east african black women. the video was mixture of black american women who were shakin their asses on camera and talking foul to people and the east african black women being pleasant and respectful singing love songs like little angels. and at the end of the video, the quote was can you see the difference between the two as well as the difference in music that black and african women listen too. now this wouldn't normally bother me but the only reason it did was because he only showed the negative side to black american women. now i know that there are some scandalous african women out there, he just didn't take the time to find those vids. i mean look at miss angel lola luv, she is Ethiopian, and her assets are plastered all over black men magazines. but i digress.

peep the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnBkMlPU_g0

to my friends

so i just read my horoscope and it said that i have some explaining to do, not sure what it's referring to.

but, i will say or type this...

if you know me in the real world don't take anything i say in this blog personally. this is simply an outlet for me. i am not an aggressive or confrontational person and i just happen to express myself better through writing. but please don't get it twisted, if i am pissed off at you...you will know. i am not one to talk shit behind someone's back which is why i post the web addy to this blog on my myspace. it's my uncut, unedited, raw, and honest feelings. i don't use names for a reason, but i always say if you feel like i'm talking about you, then you are probaly right. if you have a problem with it, please by all means confront me and let me know.

honestly, not a lot of drama goes down within my circle, we are all pretty much fun people just trying to live beyond our dreams. so 98% of the time the things in this blog are about my crazy life.

so i love you all. and just take it as it is, nothing more...nothing less!

rule #1 don't wake me up for no reason!

grrr.

pet peeve alert.

please don't wake up a person who has insomnia early in the morning and give them no warning that they are having to drive somewhere that is not that close to home. and then make a rude comment. and then secretly end up doing what you asked that person to do without telling that person.

okay i know that all sounds like gibberish, i'm sorry its early and my brain is not fully functioning. so fcuk you for not being able to read this. grrrrr.

long story short. i was awakened for no reason at all...and now i can't go back to sleep! what am i supposed to do now?!?

oh wells. guess i will lay back down and try to force myself back into dreamland.

i digress.

birthday plans....party anyone?

so it's almost my birthday (well exactly in 2 months from today) and i'm sitting here thinking about what i want to do...

i really wanted to go somewhere out of town for my birthday, but then i don't know if anyone would actually come. but i guess it doesn't matter because its all about what i want, right?

i don't know, i kind of wanted to go to vegas, LA, or NYC...those are the 3 places i want to go if i decide to take a birthday trip out of town.

if i decide to have a party, i want to make it more of a grown and sexy type of thing. i was trying to plan a party like this for my friend but she was like changing her mind too much. like one minute we were doing one thing and the next moment we were doing another, it was annoying. but i guess it all worked out, just fine. but what i was thinking for my party was doing like a black and white ball type of thing. i could rent out a lounge, well i guess i wouldn't be renting it out per say, but reserving the space...you know what i mean. anyways, i could reserve a lounge space and have a themed party. something sexy, yet fun and festive. i wouldn't want it to be too upscale because then no one would want to dress up. i know that i don't have that many friends, but i think it would be fun if i threw a party and invited everyone. i think thats the scary part of throwing a party...not knowing if anyone would actually show up. in my case i would be lucky if i got 10 people to come..lol...im really not that popular amongst the locals, so i dunno.

but thats sort of my idea. you know what i'm about to turn this into a "notes to self" blog...so you can stop reading here if ya like.

Almost Famous* Birthday Bash
Possible Dates: 9/27 or 10/04 ( saturday before and after my bday)
Possible Locations: TBD
Themes: Black and White, Black and Pink, Hollywood, Grammys, (something like an awards show)
Activites before the party: depending on the weather a BBQ or dinner at a restaurant

ooh this is great, i love planning parties.

and i can even go on my bday trip depending on when i hold my party.

so that means that i have 2 months to get in some kind of shape so that i can at least be the sexiest one at my party and i have 2 months to meet as many people as i can so i can invite them to the party of the year..lol.

i'm not ready for love, like i thought i was....

okay this is like my millionth post today, but hey i can't sleep so i'm gonna keep chucking them out until i feel tired.



so i was thinking today about my life and how i have been wanting to get back into another relationship. i have these moments when i'm sitting all alone in the house watching a movie and i feel the need to cuddle or something and i don't have anyone there. those are my "i wish i had a boo" moments. but i have slowly come to the realization that i am not in the position to have a boyfriend. like as much as i want one, i can't have one right now. funny how that works.



so i decided that i am going to fight the feeling until i am in a position that i am satisfied with. the way i look at it, i can't be commited to making someone else happy if i am not taking care of my needs first. i have a lot of stuff that i need to cleanup before i let another man into my life. some may call it stupid, but i call it responsibilty. plus i know that if i get into a relationship before my life is where i want it to be i won't slow down to take care of myself. i'm a people pleaser so i tend to sweep my problems under the rug and pile more shit on top of them until it finally loses stabilty and the shit hits the fan.



i don't know i feel myself becoming more and more mature everyday. it's weird. like my thought processes are more realistic. although i am a rash and hasty thinker, i have started to really break down diffucult life changing decisions. i have made tons of mistakes in my life and i am now in clean up mode so i don't want to mess up any more than i need to.



so once i am in a happy, stable place in my life i feel like i will be ready to open up my heart, my mind, my body, and soul to another love. but until then i will be focusing on me.



although i think i'm ready for love, i know that i'm not. but within the next couple of years i will be. :)

another pet peeve...say what?

don't you just hate it when you feel like you can't share things with your friends. like i love that i have people that i can consider as friends/aquaintances, but at the same time i hate that everyone seems to share information. like secrets don't really exsist. and i hate that when i want to call up a friend and tell them about something that i'm dealing with or excited about i can't because i know that they won't really care. it's not really fakeness on their part, its more or less a little bit of selfishness. like sometimes i just want to go out to dinner or something with a friend and share good conversation but it seems like that's impossible.

oh my gosh..pet peeve alert.

okay so i hate that when someone helps me out with something they seem to hold it over my head. it's kind of like i know that you helped me out when i needed it and i know that i still have to repay you for that...you don't have to remind me by telling the world that i don't have money. its so embarassing when i'm around other people that i consider to be my friend and someone will like yell out "she ain't got no money"....then people look at me like i'm a loser. i can't stand that. i can't wait until that cloud is no longer over my head. sooner than later i won't have to deal with that and i know not to do it again only because i don't like having something that someone can throw in my face everyday.

more pet peeves to come........

i'm almost 23!

ahhhh!!!

so i just realized that in exactly 2months from today is my birthday!

i am so excited yet scared. well i guess scared really isn't the word but i'm nervous. only because i will be turning 23 and that means that in 2 years i will be 25!

crazy!

i feel so old.

even though i'm still young, the number just makes me feel like i'm going to be 30 in no time.

but i guess the number is a constant reminder of how i need to stay on point and on track with my goals. right now i have put myself on a 2 year goal. my plan is that in 2 years i will be working within my career feild (film) and living in california. there is waaaay more to my 2 year plan than that but i don't feel like going into details at the moment...maybe in a later post.

Gifts from Above

okay so on a happy note, life is moving along somewhat smoothly. i can feel a change coming and it makes me smile. i think the vegas vacation really opened me up and tuned me back to my normal self.

before my weekend getaway i was feeling upset that things weren't going my way and i was giving up on everything that i had pretty much planned for myself. it was like i turned my back on my dream and everything that i stood for. i just kind of stepped aside and watched myself live instead of living. in laymans terms, i was giving up on me...

when i came back felt rejuvanated and full of determination to accomplish my goals. the job search was back on and i started getting responses at an alarming rate. then out of no where i realized that God had sent me a job last year. He gave me an answer to my prayers, an answer to my problems. but over the last year i seemed to let it slowly slip out of sight. that's when it hit me, i am wasting all this time trying to find a job when God had given me a gift all along that i was not taking full advantage of. it's crazy how those things happen.

i can remember it was probaly around the end of August 2007, i was sitting in my apartment...my lights had been disconnected and i was pretty much in a depressed state. i was sitting on the sofa in front of some candles and i started praying, asking God to deliver me from all of the pain and dispare that i was dealing with at the time and that's when i saw it...there was an image on the ceiling that the light from the candles had made and that's when i knew i needed to start my business. i quickly researched cameras and different things of that nature, started a website and once i received my camera i started taking photos. the only thing is with all that excitment i had for the camera and the new oppurtunity, i didn't beleive that i could do it, so i lost the motivation and those images stayed on my camera. i stopped using my camera and then my brothers ended up breaking the lens.

long story short...fast forward to this year almost a year ago since i had that moment. i believe now. i know that i am fully capable of doing this photography thing and making it into something more than just a hobby. i am inspired and ready to fight the good fight. so now i am going to be selling those very same images i took last year, and i know that this time i won't fail.

moral of the story: never let go of something that God has given you because it is a gift and it is already a blessing in disguse.

eating disorder sufferers annoymous

gosh, i hate having an eating disorder. it's like the story of my life. i guess it's a good thing that i can actually admit it, so that way i'm not like in the closet and depressed about it. i think i've gotten better, but i still have my relapses. like recently, i've been binging like crazy and purging is sucks so i found another way to let it back out....i will spare you the details.

i have tried other things to keep my mind off it, but so far its not working.

i'm going to try something different this week....let's hope it works.

i just hate it because its like a yo-yo thing with me. like i want to lose weight but when i am showing progress i go on a super binge and that messes up my metabolism and gets me all out of wack. but i know i can overcome this. bulimea is just a small part of my life and its not goin to take me out!

i'm not a "big girl", i'm just me!

so i have a new pet peeve. it just recently came up. maybe its not a pet peeve but its definalty something that annoys me.

i don't consider myself to be a big girl, but sometimes people will make comments where it seems like they are grouping me with the big girls. i consider myself to be on the chubby side of things but i'm very volumptious. i have my curves as well as my lovely lady lumps (boobs and booty). i don't have rolls for days although i have a bit of a gut..hehe but its not in any way something that takes away from my beauty. i just hate when i'm out and someone will be like you look better than the chicks in here and they are smaller than you. now you may think "whats wrong with that?" well the problem is that when i look around at these chicks that are supposedly smaller than me, i see them as being in my weight class. so i take a stab to the heart when someone says something like that, because i don't feel like i'm big at all. i know my flaws and the things that i need to work on, but i don't feel like i am unattractive in any way. i mean i have never had any problem with getting attention. usually when i go out i am told that i am beautiful, so i don't know maybe its because i hang around super skinny people and i'm the biggest one in the group.

either way i love myself and i don't feel like i'm a "big girl", chubby yes..sexy..most def!

i don't know..you be the judge!

i heart my hair!

i get so annoyed when people make ignorant comments regarding my hair. my decision to go natural was an easy one although it wasn't planned. i honestly believe that black people have the most unique and beautiful hair in the world, there are no other ethnic groups that share the hair we have. everyday i am surrounded by people with straight, long, euro-centric hair. i stick out like a sore thumb, but i love it.

i hate when people ask me what i put in my hair as if i can't have naturally curly hair. i don't put anything in my hair. my hair has a natural curl pattern that is simply beautiful. i only wish it was longer so that i could do more styles with it, but i love the nappyness and the curls.

contrary to popular belief i am not bald..lol. it cracks me up when people look at my hair and assume that it's this short. obviously my hair is curly, therefore once you put heat to it and straighten it, it will be significantly longer. i really want to straighten my hair just to see what it looks like and to clip my ends.

no my hair is not dry and rough. my hair is super soft like a pillow. i love playing with my hair because it feels good. the poofy part of it feels like a cotton ball, i just love it.

i love how black hair doesn't have to be washed on a daily basis with shampoos and stuff. non-black people have to wash their hair everyday else it will be all greasy and oily looking. sure happy i don't deal with that. i wash my hair with warm water during my showers, but i only shampoo it every couple of weeks. i am going to begin my deep condition just as soon as i find a product that i like.

yea i just felt like raving about my hair, because i love love love it.

please tell me why people leave their homes without looking in the mirror first?!? so on this past sunday i went to an after party for an event that was held here..the special celebrity guest was none other than the pretty lame ray j. so before i even agreed to go i knew it would be heavily populated by black people, but i was thinking that since the venue was more upscale that the attendees would be as well. boy was i wrong. now i will be the first to tell you that i am not a super model at all, although i could most definitely do the plus size model thing...lol okay enough bragging. but my point is, i did my part..i made sure that i left the house looking classy and sexy. my fellow sistas however weren't so lucky. it was like a fashion show for hot ghetto mess. and there was an unimaginable amount of weave in the building. wowza it was crazy. and the one thing i hate about clubs that are predominately black is that no one dances.

so lets start on the fashion. now i know that i am not super skinny, but i know my flaws and i know my body type. therefore, when i go out i am going to make sure that i look like a 10 no matter what. its not about whats underneath your clothes, its all about the visual tricks that you play to make your self appear more desirable. anyways, there were so many chicks who had more rolls than a bakery and they were wearing super tight and short dresses with shoes that didn't even match. it was so sad. i just wanted to walk up to each of them and help them revamp their outfit to fit their body type. there's nothing wrong with being big and sexy or skinny and sexy, but the key word there is sexy and not everyone can pull it off. its more of a confidence and swagga that you carry..but i will get into in another post. i wish i had a camera for all the fashion faux pas that i saw.

i was so proud of myself for being the only natural sista in the place. its crazy how many chicks had weave and were relaxed. i got a few stares at first but i had more people who seemed to like it. i felt like it was a mission accomplished. i don't understand why more sistas don't cut out the relaxers and weave and rock their natural hair. its like they are conforming to the European idea of beauty. i love my hair and i am never going back to relaxers and weave.

why is it that black people are known for dancing but when given the opportunity no one dances. it cracks me up how people just stand on the wall and stare at other people. i'm the one who is like i don't care what people think lets get out there and shake our booties!!! i think its because they can't dance..most black chicks only know how to shake their ass and black dudes can't dance at all. thats why i love the white boys who will get out there and dance in front of all the black people..its funny but i can't help but admire it.

so the moral of the story:

wear clothes that compliment your body, not what looks cute on the manikin at the mall
get rid of the weave and let your natural hair flow
dance! dance! dance!

i'm so happy! life is good.

i'm really happy right now. i feel so refreshed and brand new. i am ready to turn things around for myself and get my head back into the game. i've been sitting out for too long. i think i let the depression and insomnia get to me and i lost myself in the mix. but now i'm ready to play hardball because i'm not one to give up. i am not going to worry about all the things that once stressed me out before, i'm just going to make sure that i am focused on making things better. so look for happier post :)

Vegas is my new fave city...and more...

ok so i'm back from my brief hiatus. i had so much fun in vegas for the 4days that i was there. it totally rocked. i was a little aprehensive about going at first, but once i got there all my worries flew out the window and the good times rolled on. i liked the fact that i went with a diverse group of people and couple that i didn't really know but got to know really well during the trip. i swear it was just like an episode of the real world. i loved it. we had this super nice penthouse suite, it was gorgeous..just like something out of the pages of a rich people magazine or something.

the only thing i didn't like about the trip was that we didn't really leave the strip...well i did, but that's another story. and i didn't get a chance to see the half the things i wanted too. like i really wanted to go into the wax museum, but we didn't go inside just stood in the entrance. lol. i didn't like the clubs too much. although we got pretty good treatment while we were there, i think it was just the vegas environment. you know a bunch of cocky people inside a small space with loud music and half naked girls...that equals trouble. but it was still fun. it's so weird that you can smoke in the clubs, that wasn't cool cause i was like choking from second hand smoke the whole night.

saturday night was so much fun, i decided not to go to the club because i was over the vegas club scene so i went on a little date with a friend that lives down there. oh my gosh it was so much fun. he pretty much showed me around the city and we went to this area waaaaay off the strip that overlooks the city. oh my gah it was SO beautiful. all the lights and the buildings, wow i wish i had a camera too capture it. it was nice.

the plane ride there was something else..lol. i had a small panic attack that lasted during the intial part of take-off but once we kind of got in the air i was fine. i actually like flying, it's just the turbulance that gets me. and i don't like taking off because its almost always rocky. the trip home was nice because it was mostly smooth.

i want to go back so badly. even though Vegas is expensive, it is so much fun. i saw rampage jackson, well i was in the elevator with him..he seems a bit cocky and arrogant but it was cool. and then i saw j.r. smith from the denver nuggets. i wanted to see some bigger stars but it didn't happen this go round. next time i go i am most definitely going with a plan.

this trip inspired me so much. i love my city and my surroundings, but being out of the state just reminded me of how much world there is left to see. i mean although i have traveled and seen pretty much the entire country, it was when i was younger. i love the west coast. its so vibrant and fun. my mom has been pushing me to go after what i want and to move to Los Angeles. and after going on this trip it just pushed me two steps forward in that direction. i am still going to go back to school fall quarter but i am going to look into moving down to California or Vegas. either way i won't be up here too much longer. i realized that there really isn't anything here for me. my family and friends are here, but i don't have anything holding me here. i don't have a career that's based here, no kids, no man, no other drama..i'm pretty much free to float around. so i guess my next major goal is packing up and moving to California. that makes me excited.

wow this was a much needed vacation. i was so stressed out before i went. it seemed like my whole world was crashing down on me. i felt pretty hopeless, but now i feel so refreshed and new. i know that the Lord has big plans for me and i'm going to follow His lead.

:)

as i was saying in my last blog, i believe i am still single because of the sterotypes that black men have layed out on black women. did you knw that there are sites that are directed to black men who are tired of black women?? and now there issues are being spread around to other races, now every person on planet earth thinks that all black women are bitter and crazy with stank attitudes.

now everytime someone looks at me they assume that i'm the "typical black women", which i'm not. i don't have a attitude problem, i don't have that diva complex, i'm not mean and bitter, i know how to cook, i'm outgoing and adventurous, i don't wear weave. i don't know. im so confused on the whole black men hate black wome thing.

so i'm on youtube and there are several channels dedicated to this topic. for instance there is someones channel that is all about how fucked up black women are...there are over 400 videos, its crazy.

but i digress.