It's Time To Get Into Shape!

so i just got done watching a very touching video on Youtube, i'll put the link down at the bottom.

so if you have read my earlier blogs then you know that i am struggling to overcome an eating disorder, so i have always gone back and forth when it comes to my weight but regardless of the struggle i have always maintained a healthy outlook on life. earlier this year i joined a gym with the hopes that i would be able to shed some pounds and hightale my butt back into shape. well with everything else in my world i started and stopped. but i can't help but feel like i need to not give up on this. i know that i need to lose weight and get back into the healthly range. it's hard because sometimes i get embarrased and discouraged. or i simply start feeling comfortable with myself and i settle back into my old habits. and like the saying goes, "old habits die hard" so its always tough to break away from them. but after watching this video and having a bit of words from the family i am taking a stand today to become healthy and i won't stop until i reach my goal.

i am fully aware that heart disease runs in my family and i know that the weight i'm at right now is not healthy and could put me in an early grave. i love living and i want to be here to enjoy life to the fullest.

so i am going to slowly start changing my eating habits, and i know its going to be hard with my bulemia and all, but i have to do it in order to save my life. i may not look huge, but i am overweight and i know i am. i want to be healthy and fit. although i am in shape for my size, i need to get this extra weight off my heart. my new plan is to slowly return to my old vegatarian ways. i am going to nix beef and pork out of my diet. and i am going to slowly get rid of chicken and fish. i am not calling this a diet because diets don't work, this is a lifestyle change...something that will be a foreever thing. starting today, fruits and veggies are my new best friend. whenever i go out to eat at restaurants i am going to stick with soups and salads. i am going to make sure that at home i am eating a salad with a light dressing every night. i also want to make a valid attempt to run/jog every morning. i really want to live the lifestyle of a jogger, they always seem so happy when they are running. i'm excited for this change. although this isn't anything new to my life, its more of a continuation of my pre-Vegas planning.

i am doing this for me and no one else. i need to get healthy for me!

Black people are SO unhealthy as a whole and I do not want to be a statistic.

so my goal is to go from my current weight to 150. its a big jump but i know i can do it! i lost 40 pounds so i know i can do the rest.

i am going to do my best to do a weekly blog updating everyone on my success. so if you are reading this please pray for me and wish me luck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqsbY25rSIQ

i'm just a party girl

oh my gosh, am I an alcoholic or what?? so earlier today i was browsing a drink menu and had the strongest craving for a few cocktails. i think i'm just ready to get my party on man. throughout the week i build up so much energy and by thursday i'm crunk and ready to drink and socialize. i just hope this weekend is fun and allows me to release this energy.

i don't know i used to tell people i was a party girl because i was. i was always out every weekend at the club or just on the scene period. but then i took a lil break and stopped going out as much. but now i'm just like shit, i'm young and i am loving life so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm a very social and outgoing person so i love getting out there and meeting new people and taking back a couple drinks. well maybe a lil more than a couple. lol

the good thing is, i love my friends...each and every one of them...yes there are times when they make me mad and annoy the hell out of me but at the end of the day i love being able to hang out with them and be myself. i remember there was a time when i was afraid to be myself around anyone, for fear of rejection. but now i am all about people getting to know the real me. so i love sitting around the table acting silly, its fun...its the stress relief i need. i look forward to it every week.

for some reason though this week i am looking forward to it more than usual. its like deep down i know this is going to be a great weekend but i don't know why. i can just feel the happiness. its great i love it.

so bottoms up everyone!

happy thursday!

can you tell the difference?

ok, so i'm somewhat annoyed in the sense that their are some super judgemental people in this world. so i'm watching my youtube videos like i normally do, and i visit one of my faves. he is very controversial but he discusses problems in the black community and specifically within in black American women. now at first when i started watching his vids i was offended and felt like he was generalizing all black women as thug lovin, baby havin, welfare, ignorant, uneducated, weave wearing hoes. there were so many times when i wanted to call him out and tell him a little peice of my mind. but the more i listened to him the more i understood that he wasn't making a generalization...he was talking about those specific black women who carried those traits. so my anger went away and my ears and eyes opened wide. i was able to consciously observe the things that he noted in his videos and was able to make small changes in my everyday life . so i'm on his page today and i was looking at his favorites and he had this video up that was about the difference between american black women and east african black women. the video was mixture of black american women who were shakin their asses on camera and talking foul to people and the east african black women being pleasant and respectful singing love songs like little angels. and at the end of the video, the quote was can you see the difference between the two as well as the difference in music that black and african women listen too. now this wouldn't normally bother me but the only reason it did was because he only showed the negative side to black american women. now i know that there are some scandalous african women out there, he just didn't take the time to find those vids. i mean look at miss angel lola luv, she is Ethiopian, and her assets are plastered all over black men magazines. but i digress.

peep the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnBkMlPU_g0

to my friends

so i just read my horoscope and it said that i have some explaining to do, not sure what it's referring to.

but, i will say or type this...

if you know me in the real world don't take anything i say in this blog personally. this is simply an outlet for me. i am not an aggressive or confrontational person and i just happen to express myself better through writing. but please don't get it twisted, if i am pissed off at you...you will know. i am not one to talk shit behind someone's back which is why i post the web addy to this blog on my myspace. it's my uncut, unedited, raw, and honest feelings. i don't use names for a reason, but i always say if you feel like i'm talking about you, then you are probaly right. if you have a problem with it, please by all means confront me and let me know.

honestly, not a lot of drama goes down within my circle, we are all pretty much fun people just trying to live beyond our dreams. so 98% of the time the things in this blog are about my crazy life.

so i love you all. and just take it as it is, nothing more...nothing less!

rule #1 don't wake me up for no reason!

grrr.

pet peeve alert.

please don't wake up a person who has insomnia early in the morning and give them no warning that they are having to drive somewhere that is not that close to home. and then make a rude comment. and then secretly end up doing what you asked that person to do without telling that person.

okay i know that all sounds like gibberish, i'm sorry its early and my brain is not fully functioning. so fcuk you for not being able to read this. grrrrr.

long story short. i was awakened for no reason at all...and now i can't go back to sleep! what am i supposed to do now?!?

oh wells. guess i will lay back down and try to force myself back into dreamland.

i digress.

birthday plans....party anyone?

so it's almost my birthday (well exactly in 2 months from today) and i'm sitting here thinking about what i want to do...

i really wanted to go somewhere out of town for my birthday, but then i don't know if anyone would actually come. but i guess it doesn't matter because its all about what i want, right?

i don't know, i kind of wanted to go to vegas, LA, or NYC...those are the 3 places i want to go if i decide to take a birthday trip out of town.

if i decide to have a party, i want to make it more of a grown and sexy type of thing. i was trying to plan a party like this for my friend but she was like changing her mind too much. like one minute we were doing one thing and the next moment we were doing another, it was annoying. but i guess it all worked out, just fine. but what i was thinking for my party was doing like a black and white ball type of thing. i could rent out a lounge, well i guess i wouldn't be renting it out per say, but reserving the space...you know what i mean. anyways, i could reserve a lounge space and have a themed party. something sexy, yet fun and festive. i wouldn't want it to be too upscale because then no one would want to dress up. i know that i don't have that many friends, but i think it would be fun if i threw a party and invited everyone. i think thats the scary part of throwing a party...not knowing if anyone would actually show up. in my case i would be lucky if i got 10 people to come..lol...im really not that popular amongst the locals, so i dunno.

but thats sort of my idea. you know what i'm about to turn this into a "notes to self" blog...so you can stop reading here if ya like.

Almost Famous* Birthday Bash
Possible Dates: 9/27 or 10/04 ( saturday before and after my bday)
Possible Locations: TBD
Themes: Black and White, Black and Pink, Hollywood, Grammys, (something like an awards show)
Activites before the party: depending on the weather a BBQ or dinner at a restaurant

ooh this is great, i love planning parties.

and i can even go on my bday trip depending on when i hold my party.

so that means that i have 2 months to get in some kind of shape so that i can at least be the sexiest one at my party and i have 2 months to meet as many people as i can so i can invite them to the party of the year..lol.

i'm not ready for love, like i thought i was....

okay this is like my millionth post today, but hey i can't sleep so i'm gonna keep chucking them out until i feel tired.



so i was thinking today about my life and how i have been wanting to get back into another relationship. i have these moments when i'm sitting all alone in the house watching a movie and i feel the need to cuddle or something and i don't have anyone there. those are my "i wish i had a boo" moments. but i have slowly come to the realization that i am not in the position to have a boyfriend. like as much as i want one, i can't have one right now. funny how that works.



so i decided that i am going to fight the feeling until i am in a position that i am satisfied with. the way i look at it, i can't be commited to making someone else happy if i am not taking care of my needs first. i have a lot of stuff that i need to cleanup before i let another man into my life. some may call it stupid, but i call it responsibilty. plus i know that if i get into a relationship before my life is where i want it to be i won't slow down to take care of myself. i'm a people pleaser so i tend to sweep my problems under the rug and pile more shit on top of them until it finally loses stabilty and the shit hits the fan.



i don't know i feel myself becoming more and more mature everyday. it's weird. like my thought processes are more realistic. although i am a rash and hasty thinker, i have started to really break down diffucult life changing decisions. i have made tons of mistakes in my life and i am now in clean up mode so i don't want to mess up any more than i need to.



so once i am in a happy, stable place in my life i feel like i will be ready to open up my heart, my mind, my body, and soul to another love. but until then i will be focusing on me.



although i think i'm ready for love, i know that i'm not. but within the next couple of years i will be. :)

another pet peeve...say what?

don't you just hate it when you feel like you can't share things with your friends. like i love that i have people that i can consider as friends/aquaintances, but at the same time i hate that everyone seems to share information. like secrets don't really exsist. and i hate that when i want to call up a friend and tell them about something that i'm dealing with or excited about i can't because i know that they won't really care. it's not really fakeness on their part, its more or less a little bit of selfishness. like sometimes i just want to go out to dinner or something with a friend and share good conversation but it seems like that's impossible.

oh my gosh..pet peeve alert.

okay so i hate that when someone helps me out with something they seem to hold it over my head. it's kind of like i know that you helped me out when i needed it and i know that i still have to repay you for that...you don't have to remind me by telling the world that i don't have money. its so embarassing when i'm around other people that i consider to be my friend and someone will like yell out "she ain't got no money"....then people look at me like i'm a loser. i can't stand that. i can't wait until that cloud is no longer over my head. sooner than later i won't have to deal with that and i know not to do it again only because i don't like having something that someone can throw in my face everyday.

more pet peeves to come........

i'm almost 23!

ahhhh!!!

so i just realized that in exactly 2months from today is my birthday!

i am so excited yet scared. well i guess scared really isn't the word but i'm nervous. only because i will be turning 23 and that means that in 2 years i will be 25!

crazy!

i feel so old.

even though i'm still young, the number just makes me feel like i'm going to be 30 in no time.

but i guess the number is a constant reminder of how i need to stay on point and on track with my goals. right now i have put myself on a 2 year goal. my plan is that in 2 years i will be working within my career feild (film) and living in california. there is waaaay more to my 2 year plan than that but i don't feel like going into details at the moment...maybe in a later post.

Gifts from Above

okay so on a happy note, life is moving along somewhat smoothly. i can feel a change coming and it makes me smile. i think the vegas vacation really opened me up and tuned me back to my normal self.

before my weekend getaway i was feeling upset that things weren't going my way and i was giving up on everything that i had pretty much planned for myself. it was like i turned my back on my dream and everything that i stood for. i just kind of stepped aside and watched myself live instead of living. in laymans terms, i was giving up on me...

when i came back felt rejuvanated and full of determination to accomplish my goals. the job search was back on and i started getting responses at an alarming rate. then out of no where i realized that God had sent me a job last year. He gave me an answer to my prayers, an answer to my problems. but over the last year i seemed to let it slowly slip out of sight. that's when it hit me, i am wasting all this time trying to find a job when God had given me a gift all along that i was not taking full advantage of. it's crazy how those things happen.

i can remember it was probaly around the end of August 2007, i was sitting in my apartment...my lights had been disconnected and i was pretty much in a depressed state. i was sitting on the sofa in front of some candles and i started praying, asking God to deliver me from all of the pain and dispare that i was dealing with at the time and that's when i saw it...there was an image on the ceiling that the light from the candles had made and that's when i knew i needed to start my business. i quickly researched cameras and different things of that nature, started a website and once i received my camera i started taking photos. the only thing is with all that excitment i had for the camera and the new oppurtunity, i didn't beleive that i could do it, so i lost the motivation and those images stayed on my camera. i stopped using my camera and then my brothers ended up breaking the lens.

long story short...fast forward to this year almost a year ago since i had that moment. i believe now. i know that i am fully capable of doing this photography thing and making it into something more than just a hobby. i am inspired and ready to fight the good fight. so now i am going to be selling those very same images i took last year, and i know that this time i won't fail.

moral of the story: never let go of something that God has given you because it is a gift and it is already a blessing in disguse.

eating disorder sufferers annoymous

gosh, i hate having an eating disorder. it's like the story of my life. i guess it's a good thing that i can actually admit it, so that way i'm not like in the closet and depressed about it. i think i've gotten better, but i still have my relapses. like recently, i've been binging like crazy and purging is sucks so i found another way to let it back out....i will spare you the details.

i have tried other things to keep my mind off it, but so far its not working.

i'm going to try something different this week....let's hope it works.

i just hate it because its like a yo-yo thing with me. like i want to lose weight but when i am showing progress i go on a super binge and that messes up my metabolism and gets me all out of wack. but i know i can overcome this. bulimea is just a small part of my life and its not goin to take me out!

i'm not a "big girl", i'm just me!

so i have a new pet peeve. it just recently came up. maybe its not a pet peeve but its definalty something that annoys me.

i don't consider myself to be a big girl, but sometimes people will make comments where it seems like they are grouping me with the big girls. i consider myself to be on the chubby side of things but i'm very volumptious. i have my curves as well as my lovely lady lumps (boobs and booty). i don't have rolls for days although i have a bit of a gut..hehe but its not in any way something that takes away from my beauty. i just hate when i'm out and someone will be like you look better than the chicks in here and they are smaller than you. now you may think "whats wrong with that?" well the problem is that when i look around at these chicks that are supposedly smaller than me, i see them as being in my weight class. so i take a stab to the heart when someone says something like that, because i don't feel like i'm big at all. i know my flaws and the things that i need to work on, but i don't feel like i am unattractive in any way. i mean i have never had any problem with getting attention. usually when i go out i am told that i am beautiful, so i don't know maybe its because i hang around super skinny people and i'm the biggest one in the group.

either way i love myself and i don't feel like i'm a "big girl", chubby yes..sexy..most def!

i don't know..you be the judge!

i heart my hair!

i get so annoyed when people make ignorant comments regarding my hair. my decision to go natural was an easy one although it wasn't planned. i honestly believe that black people have the most unique and beautiful hair in the world, there are no other ethnic groups that share the hair we have. everyday i am surrounded by people with straight, long, euro-centric hair. i stick out like a sore thumb, but i love it.

i hate when people ask me what i put in my hair as if i can't have naturally curly hair. i don't put anything in my hair. my hair has a natural curl pattern that is simply beautiful. i only wish it was longer so that i could do more styles with it, but i love the nappyness and the curls.

contrary to popular belief i am not bald..lol. it cracks me up when people look at my hair and assume that it's this short. obviously my hair is curly, therefore once you put heat to it and straighten it, it will be significantly longer. i really want to straighten my hair just to see what it looks like and to clip my ends.

no my hair is not dry and rough. my hair is super soft like a pillow. i love playing with my hair because it feels good. the poofy part of it feels like a cotton ball, i just love it.

i love how black hair doesn't have to be washed on a daily basis with shampoos and stuff. non-black people have to wash their hair everyday else it will be all greasy and oily looking. sure happy i don't deal with that. i wash my hair with warm water during my showers, but i only shampoo it every couple of weeks. i am going to begin my deep condition just as soon as i find a product that i like.

yea i just felt like raving about my hair, because i love love love it.

please tell me why people leave their homes without looking in the mirror first?!? so on this past sunday i went to an after party for an event that was held here..the special celebrity guest was none other than the pretty lame ray j. so before i even agreed to go i knew it would be heavily populated by black people, but i was thinking that since the venue was more upscale that the attendees would be as well. boy was i wrong. now i will be the first to tell you that i am not a super model at all, although i could most definitely do the plus size model thing...lol okay enough bragging. but my point is, i did my part..i made sure that i left the house looking classy and sexy. my fellow sistas however weren't so lucky. it was like a fashion show for hot ghetto mess. and there was an unimaginable amount of weave in the building. wowza it was crazy. and the one thing i hate about clubs that are predominately black is that no one dances.

so lets start on the fashion. now i know that i am not super skinny, but i know my flaws and i know my body type. therefore, when i go out i am going to make sure that i look like a 10 no matter what. its not about whats underneath your clothes, its all about the visual tricks that you play to make your self appear more desirable. anyways, there were so many chicks who had more rolls than a bakery and they were wearing super tight and short dresses with shoes that didn't even match. it was so sad. i just wanted to walk up to each of them and help them revamp their outfit to fit their body type. there's nothing wrong with being big and sexy or skinny and sexy, but the key word there is sexy and not everyone can pull it off. its more of a confidence and swagga that you carry..but i will get into in another post. i wish i had a camera for all the fashion faux pas that i saw.

i was so proud of myself for being the only natural sista in the place. its crazy how many chicks had weave and were relaxed. i got a few stares at first but i had more people who seemed to like it. i felt like it was a mission accomplished. i don't understand why more sistas don't cut out the relaxers and weave and rock their natural hair. its like they are conforming to the European idea of beauty. i love my hair and i am never going back to relaxers and weave.

why is it that black people are known for dancing but when given the opportunity no one dances. it cracks me up how people just stand on the wall and stare at other people. i'm the one who is like i don't care what people think lets get out there and shake our booties!!! i think its because they can't dance..most black chicks only know how to shake their ass and black dudes can't dance at all. thats why i love the white boys who will get out there and dance in front of all the black people..its funny but i can't help but admire it.

so the moral of the story:

wear clothes that compliment your body, not what looks cute on the manikin at the mall
get rid of the weave and let your natural hair flow
dance! dance! dance!

i'm so happy! life is good.

i'm really happy right now. i feel so refreshed and brand new. i am ready to turn things around for myself and get my head back into the game. i've been sitting out for too long. i think i let the depression and insomnia get to me and i lost myself in the mix. but now i'm ready to play hardball because i'm not one to give up. i am not going to worry about all the things that once stressed me out before, i'm just going to make sure that i am focused on making things better. so look for happier post :)

Vegas is my new fave city...and more...

ok so i'm back from my brief hiatus. i had so much fun in vegas for the 4days that i was there. it totally rocked. i was a little aprehensive about going at first, but once i got there all my worries flew out the window and the good times rolled on. i liked the fact that i went with a diverse group of people and couple that i didn't really know but got to know really well during the trip. i swear it was just like an episode of the real world. i loved it. we had this super nice penthouse suite, it was gorgeous..just like something out of the pages of a rich people magazine or something.

the only thing i didn't like about the trip was that we didn't really leave the strip...well i did, but that's another story. and i didn't get a chance to see the half the things i wanted too. like i really wanted to go into the wax museum, but we didn't go inside just stood in the entrance. lol. i didn't like the clubs too much. although we got pretty good treatment while we were there, i think it was just the vegas environment. you know a bunch of cocky people inside a small space with loud music and half naked girls...that equals trouble. but it was still fun. it's so weird that you can smoke in the clubs, that wasn't cool cause i was like choking from second hand smoke the whole night.

saturday night was so much fun, i decided not to go to the club because i was over the vegas club scene so i went on a little date with a friend that lives down there. oh my gosh it was so much fun. he pretty much showed me around the city and we went to this area waaaaay off the strip that overlooks the city. oh my gah it was SO beautiful. all the lights and the buildings, wow i wish i had a camera too capture it. it was nice.

the plane ride there was something else..lol. i had a small panic attack that lasted during the intial part of take-off but once we kind of got in the air i was fine. i actually like flying, it's just the turbulance that gets me. and i don't like taking off because its almost always rocky. the trip home was nice because it was mostly smooth.

i want to go back so badly. even though Vegas is expensive, it is so much fun. i saw rampage jackson, well i was in the elevator with him..he seems a bit cocky and arrogant but it was cool. and then i saw j.r. smith from the denver nuggets. i wanted to see some bigger stars but it didn't happen this go round. next time i go i am most definitely going with a plan.

this trip inspired me so much. i love my city and my surroundings, but being out of the state just reminded me of how much world there is left to see. i mean although i have traveled and seen pretty much the entire country, it was when i was younger. i love the west coast. its so vibrant and fun. my mom has been pushing me to go after what i want and to move to Los Angeles. and after going on this trip it just pushed me two steps forward in that direction. i am still going to go back to school fall quarter but i am going to look into moving down to California or Vegas. either way i won't be up here too much longer. i realized that there really isn't anything here for me. my family and friends are here, but i don't have anything holding me here. i don't have a career that's based here, no kids, no man, no other drama..i'm pretty much free to float around. so i guess my next major goal is packing up and moving to California. that makes me excited.

wow this was a much needed vacation. i was so stressed out before i went. it seemed like my whole world was crashing down on me. i felt pretty hopeless, but now i feel so refreshed and new. i know that the Lord has big plans for me and i'm going to follow His lead.

:)

as i was saying in my last blog, i believe i am still single because of the sterotypes that black men have layed out on black women. did you knw that there are sites that are directed to black men who are tired of black women?? and now there issues are being spread around to other races, now every person on planet earth thinks that all black women are bitter and crazy with stank attitudes.

now everytime someone looks at me they assume that i'm the "typical black women", which i'm not. i don't have a attitude problem, i don't have that diva complex, i'm not mean and bitter, i know how to cook, i'm outgoing and adventurous, i don't wear weave. i don't know. im so confused on the whole black men hate black wome thing.

so i'm on youtube and there are several channels dedicated to this topic. for instance there is someones channel that is all about how fucked up black women are...there are over 400 videos, its crazy.

but i digress.

single again?

ahh another love post. sorry its on my mind, can't help it.

so after i the incident that happened today with that guy and his lies. i just thought about how lucky and happy that girl is to have him. even though he is a liar and a lil player..i know she is happy. i was looking at the pictures that she put up of them and i almost cried..like my heart literally dropped. i found it odd that hours before he was hitting me up trying to get back in my world. i hate how when you fall for someone, something always comes along and fucks it up...well maybe that just happens to me..i dunno.

i just remember the first time i met him, i had this feeling like i knew he was going to be a constant figure in my life. we just clicked. things just went so smoothly, even when we had arguments we still were able to kiss and make up. even though its only been a year and 3 months since we started talking, my feelings grew so much over time. i still have love for him in my heart. its weird because last year i was talking to a few guys, but this guy was at the top of the list always..he always got my full attention and i pretty much dropped the other dudes like flies..but i kept him close. he just has something that draws me to him. he's like a drug, i knw its bad but i can't help but have it. he makes me smile and laugh..and he gives the best hugs in the world. he listens to me and helps me when i need advice. hes actually a good friend. he knows how i feel about him and i know how he feels about me, but i can't help but hate the fact that he lies so much to the people that care for him the most. its okay i guess i will find someone new to obsess over soon enough.

i just hate the void in my heart that i have. theres nothing like being in love with another human being. and living the single life is great, but it gets old. once you've been in love and been in a long relationship you understand how precious it is. even though i am done with the whole online dating thing, i can say that it works if you want to find someone who is only out for that quick fix.

i am not your traditional girl, but i like traditional things. i don't mind asking a guy out, i've done it before..i don't mind being the first to call and paying for a night out. but every now and then i do enjoy being wined and dined but i guess it will come with time. whenever i feel like this one song replays in my head over and over again and that's india arie's song "ready for love". it's a beautiful song, the lyrics are exactly what my heart feels. i have been in love before, but lost it..and now i'm ready to find it again. i just don't know where to go and i hate when people say that you meet someone when you least expect it...it may be true for some but i haven't actively looked for a man in months and i'm still single.

honestly i think it's because of the misinterpretation that men have on black women. black women get such a bad rap. and i don't understand why, because everyone is different. we are not all the same. i think i'm going to continue this in the next blog.....see you there

family life

family is very important to me. but i can't help but wonder why mine is so distant. i can't help but feel bad about my relationship with my family. i love my family to death and i wouldn't change them for the world. i just think that there is a lot of tension between all of us due to the drama that happened last year. and since i have moved back in with my mom and 2 brothers, things have become stressful for me. everyone is always on my back and in my business. then they get mad at me when i say or do something out of anger. its annoying. example, so i just returned from a camping trip so i was washing my clothes and whatnot. well my brother walks the dryer and takes me wet clothes out and puts his clothes in to dry. so i ask him why he did that and he says " i need work clothes, you don't have nothing to do all day" so i'm like wtf..how can you take it upon yourself to tell me what i have to do during the day, granted i probaly will be at home..but still don't be assuming shit. so out of anger i said "fuck you". harsh, i know. but i was mad at the fact that he took my wet clothes out the dryer to put his in...and when i came home his clothes were just sitting in the washer because he started washing but didnt finish..so i took his clothes and put them in the dryer and started washing, then he came in and put another load in the washer and left his clothes in the dryer while he was gone for several hours. i was courteous enough to allow his clothes to finish drying and then removed them after they were done. *sigh*

i just get so annoyed sometimes. and i wouldn't have said fuck you..but he caught me at a bad time..i was mad because i was checking on something only to find out that it was cancelled without my approval so i'm like screwed and i was angry at that. then he came in and did something that just irratated me even more. then he was like i'm telling mommy what you said..so he proceeds to write a note and leave it for her to read in the morning..so that will cause more drama for me because my mom is on vacation this week, which means she will be at home every freakin day...and when i get up i'm pretty sure she will yell at me and tell me how disrespectful i am again. i'm prepared for it this time. exciting.

but the point of this blog is basically to express my disgust for my situation. i hate that my family doesn't get along like other people i observe. we fuss and fight, but we have our good times too. i just don't want to have that feeling of us not appreciating one another. i love my entire family but i think the only reason why my attitude is coming back is because i'm living at home again and i am constantly being criticized for the way i live my life. and since i don't have anyone that i can talk to about my issues, i hold it in and explode when given the chance. i just wish we didn't argue so much and i wish we got along a lot better. i think another reason is money, i know its hard on my mom but her stress trickles down to everyone else and it just makes the situation that much worse.

i remember when i was younger, i was even more misunderstood than i am now. my parents wanted to put me up for adoption because i had the worst attitude, but it was because i was depressed and didn't know how to control my emotions. i never got along with anyone and i was always misreble, but once i moved out the house and lived on my own the relationships with my family got stronger. we actually got along. so i'm assuming with all the stress and issues we are already dealing with, when you top that off with me not having my privacy things just get hectic.

another thing i really hate is when my family criticizes everything that i do. i came home today and immeadiatley my brother starts off with "you are pathetic, you are always on the computer and then you go and lay down and watch tv, you are so lazy". and i'm like wtf i just got home like 30min ago and i was gone for a whole day and a half. he is like the main one who talks about me. he will straigt up walk to me and tell me he doesn't like me and that he's tired of looking at me. then he will top it off with "you are a waste of a life". how hurtful is that??? but he doesn't care what he says to me.

the thing i don't understand is why he feels like he can talk about me like i have done nothing but sit on my ass for the last 22 years of my life. hello?!? i just quit my freakin corporate job that i had for 3 years this february. then i started school. and i just moved back home after being on my own for 6 years. shit my life has not been peaches and cream, but i damn sure aint no lazy ass.

things are hard right now. but i'm doing the best i can. i might not be working now, but that was all by choice. now that i want to work, i can't find a decent job. i mean i work here and there, but nothing substancial and permanant. yes its true that i am at home most of the time, yes its true that i spend a lot of time on the computer..so what, it entertains me..and i'm actually doing things that are productive online, yes its true that i watch movies a good chunk of the day, but hell i LOVE movies..i can't help it..um earth to my brother, i'm a FILM MAJOR idiot. i don't know i just get annoyed and a person can only take so much of being told that they are lazy, a wasted life, and stupid. its like everything i do, is wrong. ok now this is turning into a rant..plus i know nobody will read this far because this thing is already hella long.

i just don't think people understand how difficult my life is right now. i made a complete change. i went from ms independent to living with my mom again and depending on other people. its hard to cope with. but the funny thing is, my family don't help me with shit. when i had cell phone issues, i asked for help did i get it...nope. when i had issues paying my tuition so that i could return to school did i get it, nope. everything that i do is wrong to these people. but they don't know how much is on my shoulders right now. its hard being broke and trying as hard as you can to find a job. and feeling extremly lonely because you have no one to talk to. and when you have no support at all, everyone just tells you how dumb you are. whatever i digress.

i'm done with this one...........don't want to go all up in my business since i really don't know who's reading this.

moral of the story: i love my family, but i need to find a way to show it.

Sex & Celibacy

this post is only for the mature audiences.
lol
just kidding.

ok so i am currently in a zone(not the word i wanted to use, just couldn't think of anything better) where i am not wanting to have sex with anyone. i guess you could say that i am celibate until i find the right person. its weird how the dice land sometimes. what i mean by that is, last year after me and mk broke up i went through this phase of being a "player". i was dating a few guys at one time, and i broke a lot of my personal rules. i think it was because i was lonely and vulnerable after the break up and i let a lot of guys pass before even taking the exam (bad metaphor, i knw). although there were 2 main people that i dealt with on a regular basis, things seemed fine..that is until i checked back into reality. this year has been a lot better. i am comfortable with who i am so i no longer am in that vulnerable state of mind where i don't care what happens.

this year i have been intimate with 3 people total...2 were people who are close to my heart (meaning, i have a relationship that's longer than 6months with them) and one was out of drunkenness and immaturity) i haven't had sex for a month now and i'm planning on keeping it that way. i know i can do it, the longest i've went without it is 5 months..so this will be easy! i mean sex is a beautiful thing, but what's more important to me is that i am doing it with the right person and for the right reasons.

true story. i really don't like sex, it only feels good to me if i am doing it with someone who i truly have feelings for. but i am an extremly sexual person. weird, right?

i feel comfortable taking this step into celibacy because i feel like i have done it, and i know what i want. i don't want some random guy to have access to my goodies when i'm not going to get anything but 2 minutes of oh and aw in return. and i ain't trying to run up the miles on ms.kitty. lol

the next person that i have sex with will be someone who i am 100% committed to and who i will love wholeheartedly.

plus i'm not to keen on the idea of catching a STD. there are so many diseases going around and it seems like the numbers expand daily. no one is invisible from contracting some type of STD. i don't want to catch HIV or anything of that nature..that's something you can't get rid of (altho, i believe there is a cure and the government is holding out).

so the moral of this long story: sex is a wonderful thing when you are in love.

my mission: to refrain from all sexual activity, until i find love again.

boys are funny

lmao. ok true story. so i was on myspace, checking messages and updates..etc and i get this message from someone who i was "talking" to for the last year. ok so in his message he was pretty much just saying how he missed me and how i am never available..blah blah blah. so i responded to him, not gonna go into details. anyways, so i click on his page..but it's still private ( long story short, he won't add me because he has a gf and he doesn't know that i know that) but i have my connections, so it wasn't a problem. well anyways i found some interesting things out. but i don't hate him for trying to be the player that he is, its kind of cute in a dogish way. weird, i know. funny thing is, i know he cares about me (even tho some may say different, they just don't understand the relationship we have)...but the fact is he has a gf and has always had one, i just didn't know about her until a month ago. the question, why would a guy who is in a relationship constantly come back to the same chick..when he he obviously has everything he needs right there at home? i see it this way, obviously there is something that he is not happy with. now i'm no home wrecker and i refuse to put myself in a situation like this again. but there is clearly something about me that he appreciates. and contrary to popular belief i don't give him anything...money nor coochie. when i see him its usually just a time to talk and relax. i don't know, its confusing. and i hate that he plays these games. its not right. i want to call him out on it so bad, but the again i don't really care. its funny because the girl checks out my myspace like on a daily basis..super funny. and like when i changed my profile, she went and changed hers and just to make sure everyone knew that she was with this guy she puts up pics of them in provocative positions. i dunno. its not my fault that her man is all up in my grill. but like i said i'm not a home wrecker, even though i have history with this guy and i still have feelings for him, i'm not going to do anything that would put me in an awkward situation. but this whole thing is funny, i must admit.

happy 4th of july and random stuff..

so today was a a good day. it started off somewhat stressful, but as time went along the issues that were present seemed to subside. i talked to my best friend, i felt much better after a few minutes on the phone with her. i totally got bitched at by my mom, for something that wasn't my fault of course. i don't know what it is...i just think she's under a lot of stress..but hell everyone in this house is. ever since last december and all of the events that unfolded our lives have been forever changed. no one talks about what happened, so everyone has this boiling water complex...you know when the water gets to hot, it boils over the top. well thats how everyone in my immeadiate family is right now. its so weird. we are SO not your normal family. although we used to be, everyone used to love our family because we were like the cosbys...but so much changed since last december. things are different. things are so much harder than they were before. oh well, that's life i guess.

i am still waiting on my package to arrive, that is the only thing that is stressing me out right now. i was peeved on thursday because i was told it would be here then...but it never arrived. today was a holiday so i knew it wasn't going to be here...and it probaly won't show up saturday. just as long as i get it before i go to vegas on thursday.

i hate living a lie. well i'm not really living a lie. i just give people the happy side of me, the side of me that appears to have no problems. i can't help but feel like no one really knows me. but thats my fault. oh well.

i can't believe how much fun i had today. we walked around all night shooting fireworks it was great. i wish i had a digi cam so that i could have recorded everything..i swear when me, my brothers, and my cousin get together its like watching comic view. i can't wait to get back on my feet and start fresh. things will be different next time.

i was going to do 2 blogs today..but its 2:27am and i'm tired..so i'm putting it all into one.

so i was talking to my cousin and i asked her to apply for the biggest loser with me. i thought it would be fun. i am still trying to get into shape. i have a long ways to go until i reach my target weight. but recently i have been having issues, so i have been moving backwards instead of forward. its a pshycological problem. you see i suffer from bulimia which stems from my emotional eating. so it makes it twice as hard for me to lose weight and keep it off. instead i maintain the same weight which frustrates me even more. so i figure why not apply for the show..i know they can help me stick to a plan that will work. plus all the people who go on the show and make it to the finals always look completly different. and i know that if i had that type of change i would probaly get the attention that i want. people have always told me that i have a pretty face and a nice personality but if i lost weight i would be a dime. i hate when people tell me that. it hurts. it makes me feel like i am not good enough for anyone now. its not like i'm super duper huge. wow, i think i'm going to continue on this topic later..probaly on sunday.

nite.

youtube haters

LOL. i got my first haters on youtube! its like a rite of passage..means i'm getting out to the masses. i love it.

:)

stay blessed and happy.

untitled

i can't wait until i get a job. sometimes i think quitting my corporate job was a mistake, but then there are other times that i don't doubt myself. i just hate this lil struggle period. no money. no car. no luxuries. no nothing. i pretty much have to be a pretender and act like i have shit when i really don't. oh well. one day that will change. i just can't wait until i can actually go shopping again and actually walk out the store with merchandise instead of an excuse or when i can go to the nail salon and get my nails done up all pretty. life is hard right now, but i know it will get better...eventually.

i hate job searching. i can never find something that actually interests me. but i guess i can't be too picky in my situation. i think that i'm going to change up my strategy and search for some jobs tonight, instead of depending on this recriuter dude..who aint doing shit but sending me on bum ass interviews.

grrr.

smile

:)

7.1.08

so today is officially tuesday july 1st. when the hell did time start moving so fast. i swear it was just june 1st a week ago?!? sometimes i feel like if i close my eyes, i might be surprised when i open them only to find that i've aged 40 years. it just helps me remember that life is truly short and that you really have to use each day to its fullest. anyways that aint what i came on here for.

so its been a couple days since the incident on friday and no one has talked to me. kind of sad. but damn they act like killed someone. and they act like their shit don't stank, like they aint never showed they ass when they get drunk off that skunk fluid, ya know. i haven't made any attempt to reach any one either so i guess i can't be too mad. i dunno i just felt like damn, can i get a hi...how are you? do you feel better? what happened friday night? instead i can guarantee you that people were probaly whispering some random ass shit about me. lol these people crack me up.

ooh and another thing i hate. so this chick who shall remain nameless (in the event that she just so happens to stumble upon this blog) pretty much steals every dude that starts liking me. true story. i remember when i first met this one guy, he was super nice and had a lil crush on me..well she was always asking me for his number because he seemed cool...blah blah blah..turns out she got it and now they are the best of friends. wtf?!? whatev. he wasn't all that.

let me stop.