i'm not ready for love, like i thought i was....

okay this is like my millionth post today, but hey i can't sleep so i'm gonna keep chucking them out until i feel tired.

so i was thinking today about my life and how i have been wanting to get back into another relationship. i have these moments when i'm sitting all alone in the house watching a movie and i feel the need to cuddle or something and i don't have anyone there. those are my "i wish i had a boo" moments. but i have slowly come to the realization that i am not in the position to have a boyfriend. like as much as i want one, i can't have one right now. funny how that works.

so i decided that i am going to fight the feeling until i am in a position that i am satisfied with. the way i look at it, i can't be commited to making someone else happy if i am not taking care of my needs first. i have a lot of stuff that i need to cleanup before i let another man into my life. some may call it stupid, but i call it responsibilty. plus i know that if i get into a relationship before my life is where i want it to be i won't slow down to take care of myself. i'm a people pleaser so i tend to sweep my problems under the rug and pile more shit on top of them until it finally loses stabilty and the shit hits the fan.

i don't know i feel myself becoming more and more mature everyday. it's weird. like my thought processes are more realistic. although i am a rash and hasty thinker, i have started to really break down diffucult life changing decisions. i have made tons of mistakes in my life and i am now in clean up mode so i don't want to mess up any more than i need to.

so once i am in a happy, stable place in my life i feel like i will be ready to open up my heart, my mind, my body, and soul to another love. but until then i will be focusing on me.

although i think i'm ready for love, i know that i'm not. but within the next couple of years i will be. :)

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