the things you don't know...my life

i swear if only people knew just how randomly, confusingly, boring my life is. i was going to say sucky..but that would go against my "no complaining" rule.

it's funny how people look at you and can assume just how good you have it. ha, little do they know whats really hood.
well since i need to release this stress i'm just going to let it all out.

it sucks though because people don't understand what i actually go through on a daily basis. yes i am always smiling but i am never happy. i thought about this earlier, how can a person be surrounded by people yet they still feel so alone. thats how i feel everyday. living at home with my mom and brothers there is always something going on, but being that i am super different from everyone here i tend to become invisible. often finding comfort watching a movie on demand or on lifetime. and its not that i don't want to do anything else, it's just that i have no means of doing it. the only time that i actually leave the house is on the weekends when i go play with my friends. other than that i'm at home constantly. but i find peace knowing that i have a place to lay my head every night so i don't complain.

the other thing that irks me is that there are 2 cars here but both my mom and brother refuse to let me drive them unless i'm doing something specifically for them. and that sucks because sometimes i need to go to the store or something but i won't ask because i know the answer will always be no.

i love my life and the people in it. but sometimes, i get sidetracked and i look from the outside in...and knowing everything that i know about myself...i see how much i actually suffer. it takes a toll on you mentally. not having anything or anyone that actually supports you. and not having any money or transportation, but still having to live a lie so that the people around you don't suspect a thing. oh wells. i know things will get better, eventually.

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