to my friends

so i just read my horoscope and it said that i have some explaining to do, not sure what it's referring to.

but, i will say or type this...

if you know me in the real world don't take anything i say in this blog personally. this is simply an outlet for me. i am not an aggressive or confrontational person and i just happen to express myself better through writing. but please don't get it twisted, if i am pissed off at you...you will know. i am not one to talk shit behind someone's back which is why i post the web addy to this blog on my myspace. it's my uncut, unedited, raw, and honest feelings. i don't use names for a reason, but i always say if you feel like i'm talking about you, then you are probaly right. if you have a problem with it, please by all means confront me and let me know.

honestly, not a lot of drama goes down within my circle, we are all pretty much fun people just trying to live beyond our dreams. so 98% of the time the things in this blog are about my crazy life.

so i love you all. and just take it as it is, nothing more...nothing less!

rule #1 don't wake me up for no reason!


pet peeve alert.

please don't wake up a person who has insomnia early in the morning and give them no warning that they are having to drive somewhere that is not that close to home. and then make a rude comment. and then secretly end up doing what you asked that person to do without telling that person.

okay i know that all sounds like gibberish, i'm sorry its early and my brain is not fully functioning. so fcuk you for not being able to read this. grrrrr.

long story short. i was awakened for no reason at all...and now i can't go back to sleep! what am i supposed to do now?!?

oh wells. guess i will lay back down and try to force myself back into dreamland.

i digress.

birthday plans....party anyone?

so it's almost my birthday (well exactly in 2 months from today) and i'm sitting here thinking about what i want to do...

i really wanted to go somewhere out of town for my birthday, but then i don't know if anyone would actually come. but i guess it doesn't matter because its all about what i want, right?

i don't know, i kind of wanted to go to vegas, LA, or NYC...those are the 3 places i want to go if i decide to take a birthday trip out of town.

if i decide to have a party, i want to make it more of a grown and sexy type of thing. i was trying to plan a party like this for my friend but she was like changing her mind too much. like one minute we were doing one thing and the next moment we were doing another, it was annoying. but i guess it all worked out, just fine. but what i was thinking for my party was doing like a black and white ball type of thing. i could rent out a lounge, well i guess i wouldn't be renting it out per say, but reserving the space...you know what i mean. anyways, i could reserve a lounge space and have a themed party. something sexy, yet fun and festive. i wouldn't want it to be too upscale because then no one would want to dress up. i know that i don't have that many friends, but i think it would be fun if i threw a party and invited everyone. i think thats the scary part of throwing a party...not knowing if anyone would actually show up. in my case i would be lucky if i got 10 people to come..lol...im really not that popular amongst the locals, so i dunno.

but thats sort of my idea. you know what i'm about to turn this into a "notes to self" blog...so you can stop reading here if ya like.

Almost Famous* Birthday Bash
Possible Dates: 9/27 or 10/04 ( saturday before and after my bday)
Possible Locations: TBD
Themes: Black and White, Black and Pink, Hollywood, Grammys, (something like an awards show)
Activites before the party: depending on the weather a BBQ or dinner at a restaurant

ooh this is great, i love planning parties.

and i can even go on my bday trip depending on when i hold my party.

so that means that i have 2 months to get in some kind of shape so that i can at least be the sexiest one at my party and i have 2 months to meet as many people as i can so i can invite them to the party of the year..lol.

i'm not ready for love, like i thought i was....

okay this is like my millionth post today, but hey i can't sleep so i'm gonna keep chucking them out until i feel tired.

so i was thinking today about my life and how i have been wanting to get back into another relationship. i have these moments when i'm sitting all alone in the house watching a movie and i feel the need to cuddle or something and i don't have anyone there. those are my "i wish i had a boo" moments. but i have slowly come to the realization that i am not in the position to have a boyfriend. like as much as i want one, i can't have one right now. funny how that works.

so i decided that i am going to fight the feeling until i am in a position that i am satisfied with. the way i look at it, i can't be commited to making someone else happy if i am not taking care of my needs first. i have a lot of stuff that i need to cleanup before i let another man into my life. some may call it stupid, but i call it responsibilty. plus i know that if i get into a relationship before my life is where i want it to be i won't slow down to take care of myself. i'm a people pleaser so i tend to sweep my problems under the rug and pile more shit on top of them until it finally loses stabilty and the shit hits the fan.

i don't know i feel myself becoming more and more mature everyday. it's weird. like my thought processes are more realistic. although i am a rash and hasty thinker, i have started to really break down diffucult life changing decisions. i have made tons of mistakes in my life and i am now in clean up mode so i don't want to mess up any more than i need to.

so once i am in a happy, stable place in my life i feel like i will be ready to open up my heart, my mind, my body, and soul to another love. but until then i will be focusing on me.

although i think i'm ready for love, i know that i'm not. but within the next couple of years i will be. :)

another pet peeve...say what?

don't you just hate it when you feel like you can't share things with your friends. like i love that i have people that i can consider as friends/aquaintances, but at the same time i hate that everyone seems to share information. like secrets don't really exsist. and i hate that when i want to call up a friend and tell them about something that i'm dealing with or excited about i can't because i know that they won't really care. it's not really fakeness on their part, its more or less a little bit of selfishness. like sometimes i just want to go out to dinner or something with a friend and share good conversation but it seems like that's impossible.

oh my gosh..pet peeve alert.

okay so i hate that when someone helps me out with something they seem to hold it over my head. it's kind of like i know that you helped me out when i needed it and i know that i still have to repay you for that...you don't have to remind me by telling the world that i don't have money. its so embarassing when i'm around other people that i consider to be my friend and someone will like yell out "she ain't got no money"....then people look at me like i'm a loser. i can't stand that. i can't wait until that cloud is no longer over my head. sooner than later i won't have to deal with that and i know not to do it again only because i don't like having something that someone can throw in my face everyday.

more pet peeves to come........

i'm almost 23!


so i just realized that in exactly 2months from today is my birthday!

i am so excited yet scared. well i guess scared really isn't the word but i'm nervous. only because i will be turning 23 and that means that in 2 years i will be 25!


i feel so old.

even though i'm still young, the number just makes me feel like i'm going to be 30 in no time.

but i guess the number is a constant reminder of how i need to stay on point and on track with my goals. right now i have put myself on a 2 year goal. my plan is that in 2 years i will be working within my career feild (film) and living in california. there is waaaay more to my 2 year plan than that but i don't feel like going into details at the moment...maybe in a later post.

Gifts from Above

okay so on a happy note, life is moving along somewhat smoothly. i can feel a change coming and it makes me smile. i think the vegas vacation really opened me up and tuned me back to my normal self.

before my weekend getaway i was feeling upset that things weren't going my way and i was giving up on everything that i had pretty much planned for myself. it was like i turned my back on my dream and everything that i stood for. i just kind of stepped aside and watched myself live instead of living. in laymans terms, i was giving up on me...

when i came back felt rejuvanated and full of determination to accomplish my goals. the job search was back on and i started getting responses at an alarming rate. then out of no where i realized that God had sent me a job last year. He gave me an answer to my prayers, an answer to my problems. but over the last year i seemed to let it slowly slip out of sight. that's when it hit me, i am wasting all this time trying to find a job when God had given me a gift all along that i was not taking full advantage of. it's crazy how those things happen.

i can remember it was probaly around the end of August 2007, i was sitting in my apartment...my lights had been disconnected and i was pretty much in a depressed state. i was sitting on the sofa in front of some candles and i started praying, asking God to deliver me from all of the pain and dispare that i was dealing with at the time and that's when i saw it...there was an image on the ceiling that the light from the candles had made and that's when i knew i needed to start my business. i quickly researched cameras and different things of that nature, started a website and once i received my camera i started taking photos. the only thing is with all that excitment i had for the camera and the new oppurtunity, i didn't beleive that i could do it, so i lost the motivation and those images stayed on my camera. i stopped using my camera and then my brothers ended up breaking the lens.

long story short...fast forward to this year almost a year ago since i had that moment. i believe now. i know that i am fully capable of doing this photography thing and making it into something more than just a hobby. i am inspired and ready to fight the good fight. so now i am going to be selling those very same images i took last year, and i know that this time i won't fail.

moral of the story: never let go of something that God has given you because it is a gift and it is already a blessing in disguse.

eating disorder sufferers annoymous

gosh, i hate having an eating disorder. it's like the story of my life. i guess it's a good thing that i can actually admit it, so that way i'm not like in the closet and depressed about it. i think i've gotten better, but i still have my relapses. like recently, i've been binging like crazy and purging is sucks so i found another way to let it back out....i will spare you the details.

i have tried other things to keep my mind off it, but so far its not working.

i'm going to try something different this week....let's hope it works.

i just hate it because its like a yo-yo thing with me. like i want to lose weight but when i am showing progress i go on a super binge and that messes up my metabolism and gets me all out of wack. but i know i can overcome this. bulimea is just a small part of my life and its not goin to take me out!