random talk and putting my life into perspective pt.1

dude i feel super narcissistic, i was updating my myspace page and i was realizing that i have almost 15 albums of myself...lol. they are from over the last 3 years so of course the older ones are private...but still that's a lot of pictures. i was reading up on narcissism and it says that a little bit of self obsession is healthy, so hopefully i'm not going overboard. i just really feel like i am super beautiful, is that weird? i'm not even a cocky person, there are lots of things that i can improve on, but i am in love with my reflection...i can like stare at myself for hours...lol well maybe not hours, maybe like 30min...hmmph...idk i'm special..hehe

wow it's 11:30, almost tuesday! this is my 7th blog today..eek. my mind has been in overdrive lately so excuse my excessive need to blog. today has just been one of those days when i feel all alone. seriously none of my "friends" texted me today *sad face*. i even sent some messages out and never received a response...oh wells guess people are too busy for lil ole me. i'm not worried, it was just an observation.

so i posted the link to this blog in a more visable place on my myspace so i'm sort of afraid of the views that i'm about to get. hopefully people will read the disclaimer and not get their undies in a bunch.

my brother comes back on friday and man things are going to change up again, not sure if i'm ready for it. i kind of got myself accustomed to a few luxuries while he was gone and now that he is coming back i'm afraid that losing them will be extremely hard to do. i guess i could have prepared better for this but honestly i've been putting back for my video equipment, no one is helping me with any of the projects i'm working on so i'm focused on doing this all myself. i just hate that the economy is so tight, i was willing to get a second job but quickly realized that i'm not willing to give up certain freedoms.

is it wrong that i don't like to live by the rules? or that i hate restrictions? my ideal life is to be able to do what i want to do (under God's will of course) and not have to worry about breaking or following rules or being held back by anything. i just want to live my life to the fullest. i absolutely hate the 9-5 thing, its SO not me, but i do it because i know i have to...i have to give up something to get the reward i'm seeking, right? sometimes its just hard because mentally i know that i'm selling myself out by wasting time at these big corporations when i could be putting my creative talent to use. but i don't get paid to sit and write scripts, at least not yet. so right now i have to work just like everyone else until i'm able to pursue my dream with both feet on the ground.

*thinking "someone text me puhlease*

i don't know on my drive to work today i realized that everything that i have done in my past, career wise, has done nothing for my future...weird huh? like since i was 18 (23 now) i've been working at a large and well known corporation and that is literally my entire resume. at first i was okay with working there and pursuing a false goal, but once i reached that goal i got bored and wanted to move on. i tried to move on and ended up right back where i started, WTF man?!?! everyday i rack my brain trying to figure out my next move. yes, i know i have my 2yr plan that is currently in full affect, but dammit i can't wait 2yrs...i might not even be here in 2yrs, so why wait? i'm all about taking risks...so idk i'm just ready for that opportunity of a lifetime. you know everyone gets the chance of a lifetime to make a difference, some of us see it and some of us don't...i'm not trying to miss my chance to do something great.

i was watching the britney special "for the record" last night on mtv and it inspired me in some weird way. just watching her inspired me to make a move, even when i was watching keyshia cole "the way it is" on bet her story inspired me...heck even my girl beyonce has been inspiring me lately. i don't know i have so many inspirations coming my way, i just need to light the fire and get moving...

i have all the pieces to the puzzle, now i just have to put them together...

ahhhhh *sigh* putting my life into perspective is getting easier...one day at a time i suppose...one day at a time...

good nite folks

re: letter to myself

so about 6 months ago i did a letter to myself at a period in my life where things were oh so depressing, so this is just a continuation...don't worry, if you don't understand just go back and read the drama that is my life :o)!

dear me,

how are ya gorgeous? things have been so much better since you decided to let go and let God. sometimes you just have to stop trying to control everything and let things flow naturally. although things haven't been perfect life certainly seems to be on the up and up, right?

i'm loving that new confidence that you are portraying. so many people don't understand the hair issue and how big it was of you to let it go and just do its own thing. its, okay in time they will see the difference. i'm so proud that you are allowing yourself to roam freely without any inhibitions. i love how you don't care what people think and the random stares you get, you are just being the star you were born to be. not everyone has the confidence to be different in this cookie cutter world.

wow, so the love life is so-so...but hey you can't complain. you have a really great guy in your life who accepts you for all your flaws, even though things are not the way you want them, he's a great friend to you without all the extra frosting (;o)). i know you want to find love so badly, just be paitient and it will find you. keep on doing what you are doing, being different and daring and your "prince charming" will find you when you least expect it (i know that sounds cliche but its true).

ah before i forget, stay focused on your dreams and goals. I know sometimes it gets hard because no one believes in your vision, but you can't blame them...everyone has dreams of fame so what makes yours any different. wait a minute, don't answer that...i know what makes yours different...you were born to succeed so your dreams are actual a reality in the making. keep pushing forward and eventually you will reach your shining star.

i'm so proud of you..you have come a long long way since this summer. your confidence is great, you are beautiful in every way. nothing can stop you...stay strong and keep growing.

you have a bright future! speak your destiny into exisitence and never doubt yourself girl, you are a star!

love, me..

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

Canon XL2 Camcorder Outfit with Lens

MacBook Air

iPod Touch

Sony Cyber-shot DSC-T70

Gift Card to Torrid

Chance by Chanel (love this fragrance)

Prada Infusion d'iris



To Be Continued...

another installment of pet peeve mania!

okay, so as we all know i'm a very simple person...quite easy to please but i do have my little quirks (hey it just wouldn't be right if I didnt, right?).

Why is it that when you send someone a simple text message saying hi and such they can't respond back in a timely manner?!? it's like i know you got my message, i'm sure your phone vibrated or sung a lil song when my message came thru...let me guess you looked down in excitment hoping it was that special person, you open your phone and surprise its just me..ahahahaha. too funny. but no seriously, why can't people just do me the courtesy and respond, that way i'm not sitting here feeling like a total douche for sending you a message.

i just don't get it. i mean when people send me texts, i always respond...that's the nice thing about text messages, you can respond in detail or just with a one word response and hopefully the person on the recieving end will sense whether or not you want conversation. i don't know maybe its just me.

i just hate texting people because i'm never sure if they are going to ignore me or not. being ignored via text is just as bad as walking down the street and seeing someone you know, running up in excitment to say hi and they just walk right past you like "now what sucka". oh wells.

and the thing that makes it worse is when that person texts you on a random monday morning and you don't respond to them they get all butt hurt and want to bitch you out because now YOU are igging THEM. ahh how the tables turn.

so this is what pet peeve #1009, lol just kidding.

Youtube return??

I decided that I am going to start vlogging again, recently I have had so much to say but never have anyone to say it to. I'm borrowing my friends camera so I figure may as well take advantage of it, right?

I think this time around I will focus more on my natural hair journey and other issues that come up. I am going to do my best to stay out of all the Youtube drama. I kind of got myself caught up in the whole BM bashing BW thing. I'm not sure how that happened because it totally wasn't my intention..but it happened nonetheless(gosh i love that word) because of a video i did entiteled "no i don't like thugs". apprently people looked so deep into it and they started telling me how i didn't get it and how i was apart of the problem. it was quite comical because these men think that they know how each and every BW acts. what they don't understand is that we are all very different and were raised differently. it just seems like no matter what you say there will always be someone there to argue with you, so i just smile and respond to their comments. but yea that video totally got me caught up in that whole drama. so i'm going to do my best to keep that type of drama off my channel.

In any case I'm ready!

Friday Night Lights...

so my weekend was such a blur, but not in a good way. So anyone who knows me knows that I am a little ball of energy, I just love living out loud and doing it big everyday. So it was only natural that when Friday came around that I would be ready to go out and have fun. So i call up my friend and ask her if she's DTK (love it) so at first she's like excited and ready to put on her party hat...but then once we got to the club her whole attitude changed. That's when I knew that the night was going to go sour, but of course me being the positive person that I am, I decided to just smile and hope for the best. A couple things upset me that night, #1 I had to drive to Seattle and pay for parking (which was only $5 but hey times are hard, #2 I sat in the car for an hour wasting valuble dancing and drinking time so that I could try to hype up my friend, #3 I had to pay her cover (which was $10 and mine was only $5, go figure), and #4 we ended up leaving the club after only 30min of standing in one place. I could go on but I'm choosing not to list everything because it will only anger me.

I just hated the fact that she went to the club with the intention of not having fun, it's like she knew no one from our crew would be there so she wasn't even trying to have it. I dislike people like that and I never saw that side of her until that night. It was like we sat in the car and she just kept saying how drunk she had to be to enjoy herself and how we should have went somewhere else and blah blah blah. And the fudged up part was that the club was actually cracktastic, like it was really poppin...the music was right, it was packed but not too bad. The only issue I had was that it was extremely hot in there...like they neglected to fix the A/C, but other than that it was coolness. It was like she didn't want to have fun, she choose not to have fun which resulted in her spoiling my night. So 30min into us just standing on the dance floor I polietly asked her if she wanted to leave and she was like yes, so I swallowed my pride, put on my happy face and drove her home. Then of course I was bored out of my mind because it was only 1:15am!!! It was slightly irritating.

I also got irritated at the fact that she was telling me her plans for Saturday as if she was really including me. Apparently there was a birthday party and they were having it at a place that I dislike for my own personal reasons. I am open to going there for special occasions, but its rare. So she mentions to me that they were having dinner earlier in the evening, so after she tells me that shes like telling me how she's getting picked up at 7:30 and that if I'm going I need to find my own ride if I don't want to drive...so at this point I'm like WTF..I'm so over the impromptu invites...they don't make you feel loved at all. It's more like a "oh I'm going here and since I know you have nothing to do, would you like to come? Oh yea but if you do come you need to find your own ride and stuff..hehe hehehe." Grrr I hate that!

Then on top of that, I am always told be this person how they hate it that I have to trick myself into having a good time when I go to certain places. My whole reason for that is that sometimes I don't enjoy certain people or venues so I have to hype myself up so that I can look past it and have a good time regardless. She on the other hand loves to say how its the people not the place that makes a good time and how she can have a good time ANYWHERE, ha...so contridicting.

The highlight of my night were the racoons that were harassing me when I got home. Yes, I said racoons. It was crazy, I like get home and I'm sitting in the car and I look out the window only to see a family of 5 walking across the front yard. And they just like stopped and chilled there for a moment, like they knew I was sitting there and they were trying to show me whose boss. It was funny, yet traumatizing.

Moral of this story:

Don't go out somewhere if you don't really want to go! Practice what you preach!!

wait, what did i miss??

OMG, I need to like recap so much!

Hmm, lets start with Vegas, it was GREAT! I had fun and I'm so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and doing me every step of the way. I went down there with the intention of not worrying so much about my hair and the way I looked and it turned out great. At the end of the day I felt confident and sexy and was getting love from everyone.

So after we got back from Vegas it was the week of thanksgiving, so I was persuaded into going out on the night before thanksgiving. i had never been out before on the day before so i was a little weary about the whole thing, but once I got a little liquor in me i was ready to party. that turned out to be a very random night..we will go into more detail in a separate blog.

thanksgiving day was cool although it was a little weird not having my brother or my dad around. but we still managed to have a grand ole time.

the weekend is another story...so i will do that in a separate post as well.

overall these last 4 days have been wonderful and relaxing.