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Oops, did I just do that?!?

*in shock*

okay so i'm sitting at work trying to focus my energy on positive things, but something in my heart is screaming out for a little love and affection. so i have the bright idea to call up the ex. i don't know why i chose him, maybe because i knew he would answer...i mean it has been a whole year and some change since we have seen and talked to each other. *sigh* i actually called him on friday of last week, but hung up once i heard his voice. deep down inside i was thinking man i can't call him, i intentionally cut the ties for him so that he could grow and be happy in his current relationship. but today was different, i dialed his number not knowing what i was going to say or how i would react if the voice on the other end wasn't welcoming. it rang a couple times and then he answered...he immeadiatley knew it was me...weird how you never forget a voice that was so special to you once upon a time. our conversation only lasted a couple minutes...but it wasn't a bad thing. the first question he asked me was if i had a boyfriend, apart of me wanted to lie and say yes just to live up to his success in the love department. but instead i uttered a quiet no, he responded with an aww man really, sorry to hear that. LOL, i immediately retorted with a no need to feel sorry for me, it is what it is and i'm happy. i know that in his head he was thinking "wow its been 2 years and she's still single" but i didn't care, i mean he's been with his current girlfriend for about a year and some change, so good for him but i have no reason to feel bad because i don't have anyone. anyways, he mentioned that he was buying a new car soon...which to me sounds like he is doing well for himself, that made me smile to know that he is able to afford those things now because there was a time when he wasn't. then he asked me for a picture...which made me slightly irritated because i knew exactly what he was getting at. you see when we were together he often got on my case about my weight, so i'm assuming that he wanted to see if i had lost anything since the last time we saw each other. after that our conversation ended...

this call left me feeling a little silly at first for dialing his number. i know i'm stronger than that, but i wanted to fill a void and it was easier to do it with something i already know. i am in no way trying to get back with him, he is in a happy relationship with a very beautiful woman. i was just trying to make myself feel better for feeling so lonely.

i remember when we were together we had always said that no matter what happens and who we are with...if we break up we will always be friends and will never let each other go, but last year after the club incident and his girlfriend's insecurities we stopped speaking.

maybe there is a little part of me that wants to be friends with him again because he was the only guy that i got close enough to, to let my guard down and see into my soul. he knew me inside and out and i was happy with that. we had a wonderful friendship because he was tough on me but didn't judge my decisions with a bias mind.

i know that our friendship isn't there...and i know that it is best for me to move on completly and not make contact with him anymore....and i will try my best to make that move.

but today, i did what i did, not sure if its a mistake or not...but i called him, and i don't really feel any different because i'm still the same.