Wild Out Wednesday

man what a night i had on wednesday. i haven't been out on the scene and had that much to drink in such a long time...i don't even know what was going on in my mind. i kind of started the night off with the mindset of i'm here to have fun and i'm only going to drink a little because i know i have to get my butt to work in the morning. but all that went to hell once i got to seattle. the plus side is that i didn't have to buy my drinks, i was so lucky to strike up conversation with this nice guy who ended up buying me 2 drinks which successfully fucked me up.

after that the nights a blur, lets just say i didn't make it home until 2 in the afternoon on thrusday, which means i didn't make it to work. just to touch a little on why i didn't make it home...well i almost made it home. i got back to my car and my phone was being blown up by the douche bag (eariler post) and of course in my drunken state i fell into his trap and ended up back in seattle...oh man. i'm sitting here having flashbacks which aren't half bad, but still...i'm left asking myself why did i go there AGAIN! as if the last time wasn't enough. i swear if people only knew how many times this has happened...they would be shocked. i think what makes it worse for me is that he is so shady about it. like the first time it happened, it was real random and extremely unexpected. but good enough to go back a second, third, fourth...etc, you get the picture. but its like when we are in the same place things are so awkward, i think its because we know the same people and are run in the same crowds...and people i think want to see how we react to each other. the funny thing is we have this secret code...like we will make eye contact for a few seconds and its within those seconds that we know if we are going to kick it old school or not...i don't really have an issue with him, but i do feel like he has issues. i mean, i think he doesn't want people to know he actually enjoys hanging with me which is weird because there ain't nothing wrong with me...*sigh* ok let me get off this train before i share too much.

waking up in someone else's house after a crazy night of partying is so weird. i just wanted to be at home in my own bed, but i was so far away. the drive to my car was so weird, i couldn't remember anything..just bits and pieces. when i got to my car my windows were down...i must have been really drunk to leave my car in some strange parking garage overnight. lol. when i got home i was bombarded with texts and phone calls about the night before....oh man so random.

so now i might be going on this no drinking for 30 days challenge with the bff but looking at my calendar of events, i'm not so sure that will happen, but hey let's keep hope alive! here's to day 1 of being sober.

Never Again!


Pretty Ricky and Sexy Spec?

I know this is a couple days old but in the blog world that is like YEARS lol. I'm just getting around to commenting on ole dude from Pretty Ricky (posting the vid below if you haven't seen it). Now i'm all for a sexy dance but Spectacular that was a little much, don't ya think? You guys watch the video and tell me what you think...lol. I must say that i love the song, which i guess means he succeeded in promoting his single "Tipsy", it will be on heavy rotation on the iPod. He took one for the team, but my only question is what was he expecting to get back from Chris, Bow Wow, Trey, and the rest of the MEN that he challenged?!?

My fave part of the video is the first twirl...haha PRICELESS!

I'm ashamed that he can work his hips better than me...hahahaha this boy is too much, but smart because I bet his single will hit the top!

update on my weight loss journey

so part of the reason that i've been MIA is that i have been working out hard in the gym...seriously like every day. its crazy but oh so worth it. i started on May 1st, i have invested in a personal trainer and the body bug...which work very well together. even though i haven't had a tremendous loss in weight i feel healthier, i have a better understanding of my eating habits and how those calories affect my progress. so far i have lost 10 pounds, which is by no means a fail...at first i felt like i wasn't working out hard enough, but honestly i'm on target...and i'm learning as i lose which i had never done before. before i would hit the gym for hours and not eat at all...i would drop 20 pounds in a couple weeks and then put it right back on a month later. this time i'm making a life change and like my favorite saying goes "slow and steady wins the race".

it hasn't been easy. let me tell you chile i started out strong in week one, i lost my first 10 pounds that week, during week 2 it was mothers day and my brothers birthday so i had SO much food and i got lazy that week, i didn't work out for 4 days and you guessed it, i put back on every pound. so week 3 was like starting all over again, but i pushed myself harder that week...i started jogging outside and hitting the gym so i was able to drop those 10 pounds, and this week has been a success as well.

i am really finding it easy to gain motivation from situations that have occurred in the past week or so..

my trainer is great, i see him a couple times a week and he finds ways to keep my interested. i love having someone dedicated to my success. and i love my body bug, although i have to wear it all the time and it can sometimes be noticeable, i like being able to see how many calories i burn throughout the day and compare those to the calories that i am consuming. it definitely helps with making better choices when i eat.

i'm trying to get right for my vegas birthday extravaganza!! i whole heartedly believe that i will make it to my goal weight, it makes me excited to think about what i will look like and the things that i will finally be able to wear. its a great feeling to be able to believe in your future and in yourself.

Happy Friday...Grrr I hate douche bags!

First of I want to start by saying that it is a lovely sunny Friday here in Seattle *gasps* I know shocking, right? So despite my angry emotions in this blog I am very happy today...just dealing with a total asshat...its annoying. So this is kind of a letter to this guy...who i know i shouldn't even be dedicating a blog too...but whatever here's his 15min in the spotlight...lol

Dear ________,

I don't care that I didn't get invited to your stupid birthday, I don't even care that you told me things and then acted differently when you saw me a week later, I'm content knowing that you are just a confused little boy who has lost his way and is struggling to find it back to the top. But what does annoy the hell out of me is the fact that you can say the nicest things to me and then i see you at the club and you completly ignore me. I looked like a fool walking up to you because i "thought" we were friends waving and saying hi...and you just turned your head...like i was a groupie or something. I guess all that talk of you looking like people that you will never be went to your head...you are so lame.


I feel sorry for you. but i feel more sorry for myself because i actually believed that you were a nice guy but man was i wrong. Our "friendship" started in the weirdest way...and for some off reason I thought that you would take it for what it was man up and not obsess over the few times that we shared...because i certainly took it for what it was and never went any further than that. but i guess some people just can't get past the immature shit.

but hey it's a lesson learned because i'm mature and not stuck on stupid. i know when someone is blowing me off and shutting me out...its okay although i do not understand your method or reasoning.

its whatever.

honestly you are not worth my time or energy and i am officially over your wannabe ass...*sigh* i digress.


Monday: Quick-ster...Stay Tuned

Ok guys, I'm so sorry I've been MIA for a couple weeks now. Just been running around like crazy but I do have some stories/thoughts that I want to share regarding some things that have happened in the last couple weeks or so....stay tuned! I'm guessing that I will have a few blogs posted over the next couple days, so you will have lots to read and comment on, yay!

Thx and I promise to never leave this long again. =)

Happy Monday!



What Were They Thinking?

Okay, now I'm sure that some of you may have already seen this video but man this is gross and I had to post it and do a response...this is why i try my hardest to stay away from fast food restaurants!

Now after watching that doesn't it give you a whole new sense of motivation? I never worked in the fast food industry but i've heard several stories from friends that have and it grosses me out every time i think of the things i've been told. every time i order food from a fast food joint i always make sure that i am watching every thing they do, i try to go inside at all costs, and i try to stick to things that don't require a lot of handling. in all honesty the best thing to do is to stay away from these places all together and start eating healthier food that you prepare at home.

I'm so disgusted, who raised this people? i'm happy they were fired, but i'm sure they will be at another fast food place in no time. now please don't confuse this with restaurants where people actually care about their jobs and have chosen to be a chef as a career. these 2 idiots have no respect for themselves nor anyone else for that matter.

Ewww. I'm done.


i hate Mondays =o(


*whew* sorry had to get that out, well its Monday and what a busy day it has been. I got to work and literally hit the ground running and I haven't stopped yet. i feel so unaccomplished today (is that even a word?) *sigh* it was like email after friggin email, nonstop..and then to make matters worse my manager had me brain storming ice breaker games for our teams all hands meeting and i came up with a survivor theme and some way some how she volunteered me to make a powerpoint deck and bring in some of my films that i've been working on...WTH! and guess when she wants this done, uh huh tomorrow! hah, no way in heck is that going to happen but i'ma try my hardest. i also have to set up 2 more morale events and do setup about 15 meetings that came in over the weekend by tomorrow...you should see me know there are tears running down my cheeks (not really, but hey can a girl get a little sympathy?) Oh my I even had a yawning "attack" today, i was seriously yawning every 5minutes, SO embarassing. and guess what it snowed today and then it rained, why is it so gray in seattle?


okay well its 4:52PM and i'm out of here at 5...i have to head to school and drop by the studio afterwards to pick up some assignments...oh the life of a girl named tayshia starr...

I hope your monday was as eventful as mine =o)



Happy Easter...things never go as planned

So in an earlier post titled "Another Shot at Love w/Tayshia Starr" I gave a little insight into my dating life...well I'm totally feeling like I got blown off. So today I was supposed to hang out with the navy guy, yes I know it's easter but this year my mom decided that she was going to move the holiday to the coming weekend because my brother will be back in town (my brother is in the marines and missed a couple holidays last year) so we weren't doing anything as far as family goes so I cleared out my entire day. Then I get a text at 8 something this morning saying that he has to work today and that he was really upset that he couldn't see me...um i smell bullsheezy, do you?

I mean I understand that some people actually do have to work on Easter but this guy has had the same excuse literally every weekend for the last 3 weeks or so. And what is making this such a confusing situation is that HE is initiating this, every time I get a call from him asking me if I want to go on a date and I accept because I don't really go out as much as I use to so I don't mind...then it's like on the day that he has planned things for us to do he will text me and tell me that he has to work and that he will reschedule for the following weekend. I am an understanding chick so I don't jump to conclusions, I just tell him that I understand and that we will work something out. But its getting a little out of hand now. I'm just feeling like he is blowing me off, but I don't understand how someone can say they want to get to know you on a serious level, make dates with you, call you throughout the week, only to cancel with you the day of the date. WTFH? how does that work? BLAH. So this morning I didn't even respond to his text, I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I want it to be clear that I'm not feeling this game he's playing with my emotions.

*le sigh*

We will see where this goes, probably not far at the rate that it's going now...

Happy Easter!

Britney vs. Beyonce

Okay, here is my recap of the Britney experience...so the Pussycat Dolls were her opening act, I missed most of their performance because finding parking was a beezy. I came in right as they were singing "Stick Wit U" (the only song I like from them), about 10 minutes later the Circus started and it was literally like watching a circus...there were Cirque Du Soliel acts and all kinds of craziness. Maybe 20-30 minutes of that none sense Ms Spears came out. When I first saw her I wanted to scream but as she started moving around the stage my enthusiasm went right out the door. Its weird I love Britney, what I saw wasn't the Britney I love...I'm all about the "Oops I Did it Again, Lucky, Stronger" Britney. The majority of her performance was from her Circus and Blackout albums, towards the end of the set she did the crowd faves, "(Hit Me Baby)One More Time, Toxic, I'm a Slave 4U, Everytime, and Me Against the Music". Her portion felt so rushed, even though it lasted about an hour and a half. Right after she performed a song she would run off stage for 10 minutes doing what I'm guessed was a costume change. She literally only talked to us 3 times, she felt so disconnected from her audience. She performed 2 songs before she yelled "What's Up Tacoma", which irritated me because she should have said Seattle being that's the major city that she was visiting...I mean I understand you are performing at the Tacoma Dome but that's not the city. Anyways, for me the concert was a "performance" not a concert. She barely danced, most of it was her backup dancers (they are all pretty hot) and she kind of floated around doing her signature moves. She lip synced the entire show, which I expected but man not to that extent.

I love Britney because she is a performer and I knew that when I sat down in the arena, but she didn't make me feel like she wanted me there, she didn't keep me entertained. It was like watching her on tv performing at an awards show or something. I had fun, but I felt she could have done SO much more with her show and her audience. I mean her tickets were expensive, from $100 - $500 so I think we deserved more interaction.

Now Beyonce on the other hand did wonderful, she is a performer and a she enjoys what she is doing, that is very apparent. I went to her concert on 4/1/09 and she really connected with the audience, she didn't act like it was just a pay check, ya know. She didn't go through a million costume changes like Britney did. She actually danced and sang her songs. She touched her fans, she talked to us throughout the entire show and she performed for 2 hours...it was great. And she performed a wide range of songs, she did songs from all her albums, and she even did songs from Destiny's Child, funny how she is the only one who can actually pull that off. Hah, I love Beyonce!

So if you were thinking about catching either Britney or Beyonce's concerts I would suggest going to see Beyonce because you will leave feeling satisfied and feeling like you spent your money wisely. If you want to see a Circus show then go spend the money for Britney.

Just my 2cents.


Happy Friday! I will be posting about last nite later today.


Road Rage

as i was sitting here trying to focus my energy into finishing up my work, hah yes i do have an actual job, betcha wouldn't be able to tell the way i post...lol. anyways, as i was sitting here i started getting irritated thinking about my drive home yesterday and how STUPID seattle drivers are! okay let me calm down before my boss walks by lol. yesterday evening i was on I405 heading south when this car in the carpool lane suddenly jumps in front of me, now i have a led foot so i was going 70mph (shut up i know it aint that fast) and when this lexus jumped in front of me they were going like 50...so i had to slam on my breaks, please believe if i wasn't in a rush to get home yesterday i would have let my vehicle tap that ass, okay. lol kidding. so i slam on my breaks and at first i was going to honk the horn but i decided to be nice and give them a pass thinking they were trying to merge over to exit...boy was i wrong, they decided to get in front of me and stay there. now i was coming up on my exit to I-5 when this happened so i was trying to find a way to get over but couldn't due to excess traffic, and only if that damned lexus would have sped up i could have done a fast and furious move and cut someone off...but of course they maintained their slow ass pace and i missed my exit. once i was able to i zoomed past them and ended up having to take the long way home. now this may not sound bad, but seriously people this is a daily occurance. when it rains everyone gets scared and drives uber slow, when it snows everyone stays home, when its sunny people tend to drive a little too fast and then slam on their brakes...now i know i'm the shit and then some when it comes to driving (almost 10 years of driving and i still have a clean record *knocks on wood*) but i am officially convinced that people in washington state SUCK at driving.

my road rage isn't as bad as some people, but i will admit that i do have it. i always get the urge to flip the bird or honk my horn when someone pisses me off on the road, 99% of the time i don't do anything but there are those small chances when i live a little and give them a piece of my mind. haha.

so my request, if you can't drive get off the friggin road! mmk thanks and good day!

ok that was my rant for the day...lol.

Beyonce last week, Britney tonight!

So I'm going to see Britney Spears tonight in concert, I'm actually really freakin excited. I was able to catch Beyonce in concert last week and she knocked my socks off so I'm ready to see what the princess of pop can do. I heard that at her Vancouver show last night she paused the show for almost an hour because people were smoking weed and stuff, so she waited until they were done before continuing...wow. I hope that doesn't happen tonight because her show starts at 8pm! Today i'm going to listen to all things Britney, lol...gotta get my pop hat on because you know i was the leader of that bus back in 98 and early 2000s.

I just love old Britney, Nsync, BSB, 5ive, Youngstown, BBMak, 98 degrees, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera...man the list goes on...I was all about POP music when i was 15/16...and I still love Mr. Timberlake just like every other female in this world...haha.


Happy Nappy Me

Yes, this is me. :)

i have been natural for about a year and some change, i am enjoying the experience and loving my hair more and more everyday. i remember when i decided last february to do my BC, my relaxer had grown out and i had all this fun new growth that wanted to do its own thing. i was in the bathroom looking at my reflection, i found a pair of scissors and in a seconds impulse began snipping away at my long relaxed locks. as i watched my hair fall into the sink and on the bathroom floor i paused for a breif moment and stared at myself and asked "what are you doing?!?" all i could say was "being free" and i continued to snip away. when i finally finished i had about 3 inches of hair on the top and 1in on the sides and in the back. lol, i had somewhat of a mohawk. i stared at myself and smiled because i knew my mom would kill me for cutting my hair, but at that point i didn't care. i felt so free and i felt truly liberated. i can't express the feeling i felt when i decided to go natural and actual followed through with it. over the course of the next few months i tried different styles but in an effort to grow my hair opted for singles(braids)...during the fall i decided to let my newly grown afro filled with kinks and curls to fly free. i received so many compliments and questions and of course a few blank stares. last year was such a learning experience and i can truly say that going natural aided in my growth and maturity that i gained during 2008.

now its 4 months into 2009 and i am still in love with my hair, i found that i never needed a relaxer to began with because as my momma says i have that "good hair". recently i have been wearing it in a straight style by flat ironing it...today its in its natural state and poofier than ever. :). i find that i have so much more versatility with my natural hair, i can wear it straight, curly, afro, braids, locks, twists, anything i want i can do and i love it.

i have found it hard in the dating world with my natural hair, most black men say they love a women who has their own hair and would prefer her to be natural...i smell BS because since i have been natural i have only had a handful literally 5 black men compliment me on my natural hair. i even did a test where i walked into a room of black men (who i didn't know) once with my natural hair and again with a straight (european inspired) wig on. the results were crazy, i got more attention with the wig on than i did with what i was born with. that is why i have turned more towards other races, i find that men who are not black have more appreciation and respect for my decision to go natural. every white man that i have dated since has loved my hair and even called it a turn on, even asian (pacific islanders) have loved my hair...its crazy. so i guess it hasn't been hard just different.

OMGAH as expected i have veered of the main direction of what i wanted this entry to be about, but i've said enough. maybe i'll try again later :)

Another Shot at Love w/ Tayshia Starr

ahhh i'm stoked right about now, but i'm really trying to limit my level of excitment for fear of having my hopes crushed by reality. so let me fill you in on all the craziness since i'm sure you are staring at your screen wondering what the heck i'm talking about, ahh yea right. LOL

so for the last couple months i've been dating, well kind of dating this guy. he is 23 and in the navy, not orginally from the emerald city but currently stationed here. i remember the first date we had i wasn't sold on him at all, not because he was white (because i love men of all races), but more so because our personalities were so different. we were sitting in the cafe and i remember him smiling the entire time, i felt like i was a bit to bubbly for him because he was very mellow but i later found out that it was just nerves. we sat in that cafe for 4 hours talking about everything, we wanted to check out a movie but there were none showing for another hour so we obliged...and planned something for the following weekend. our next date was more simple, we watched a movie, had dinner, and chilled at his place...i had a wonderful time and i kept thinking how silly i was to pass him up just because he was too quiet. after our second date we planned to hang out again the next week, but something got in the way and we ended up not seeing each other for 2 months. he contacted me last month wanting to get together again, so i agreed to the idea. and here we are a few weeks later planning our 3rd date. he called me last night and we talked for about 20 minutes, although it seemed longer because we covered so much ground. we planned to do something on sunday, being that its easter i'm not sure how that will go but we shall see.

i'm a bit skeptical only because i have been let down so much in the past and i'm not sure if this is any different. i get the sense that he is very honest and that he has my best interest at heart so i'm going to just go with the flow and see how things go.

now on a different front i find myself thinking about the underlying factors that may pose an issue, well at least in the beginning if we were to decided to become exclusive. one that of him being in the navy. i have so much respect for the military men and women, but i'm not sure if that lifestyle is for me. i mean i can see the pros and cons and i feel comfortable saying that i probably could make it work, but it eventually becomes a LDR (long distance relationship) and those are typically in most cases prone to failure. he has already told me that he is deploying sometime in the summer/fall and he will be back on the east coast...so that makes me weary because i don't know how i would handle that. *le sigh* my other issue (which isn't a problem on my end) is his race, i am black and he is white. even though we are in 2009 and we have a bi-racial man in the white house there is still this stigma of black women being sellouts because the date white men. i don't care about the stares and the whispers because i'm comfortable with myself and i will love who i'm with regardless of what they look like. i'm more concerned about my family and his family and how that would work out...maybe i'm thinking a little too far ahead. :) but nonetheless, those are the only two issues that i see when it comes to him...i like him, he is a super great guy and he makes me laugh.

well i had no intention in this being an entire novel but hey..its early and my brain is warming up.

i will keep you updated on my date. wish me luck and send good prayers up to the big man for me. :)

xoxo tay


He did what?

wow, so i just read the oddest story on my local news site. apparently early yesterday (monday) morning (12AM) a 24 year old man killed himself in a movie theater while watching the movie Watchmen. There were at least 10 other people in the theater at the time he allegedly shot himself.

My first thought after reading this was, how did he get a gun into the theater? and then i quickly flash backed to the 100's of times that i have snuck food and drinks into the theater...its easy. there is no one standing there checking you to make sure you have something illegal under your clothes. its scary. i go to the movies a lot, about once a week and i'm just thinking that he could have been deranged enough to take out innocent people with him...i mean he could have literally shot all 10 or at least a few of those people before turning the gun on himself. the movie theater is a place where i take refuge and dive into another world, i can express my emotions and feel whats going on in front of me...now i have to worry about people who may want to harm others bringing weapons into the theater?

please post your thoughts on this.

its sad that he felt that he had nothing else to live for...i mean he was still so young but who knows what kind of secrets he was holding inside. like they say secrets can kill.

do you think that public venues need to do security checks now? how will this affect your movie going experience?

Here's the link:



Vermont legalizes gay marragies

before i went to bed last night the last story that i heard on the news was that of Vermont lawmakers legalizing gay marriage. now i have always been pro choice on many issues, and i have always felt like gay couples should be treated as any hetero couple so when i heard the news i was happy. but then i found out that only 3 other states have passed a bill that allows gay marriage to happen (Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Iowa)and that burst my bubble. Why is it that these types of things have to go through a long, dreadful process? why do people make such a big deal on whether or not 2 people of the same sex can get married? if they can make the Plan B drug legal without a prescription for 17 year olds then they can easily pass a bill that allows gay unions in all 50 states. i understand that some people may feel like it is morally wrong and a sin, but we are living in 2009 and there are sins way worse being committed every second, so these people should be allowed to marry just like the rest of us. i've heard this saying so many times, everyone has one soul mate in life so if you are lucky enough to find yours then hold on to them tight and never let go (i changed it up a bit, but you get the idea), so does that only apply to straight heterosexual people? are we not all equal? are we not all human beings that have the ability to love what we find attractive in this "free" country?

Here's the story:


Congrats Vermont and to all of the people who are able to marry their soul mate!

Married at 21 - Love or Lust

so i was perusing myspace and happened to come across the page of a "friend" and found out that she just got married! now you may be sitting there thinking, okay congrats to her, so what? well heres the catch, she just met this guy in january of this year...well she found him, she didn't actually meet him until late february. the story behind it is that she met him online on one of the many dating sites (which I am personally boycotting) he lived in a different state and is in the military, i'm assuming they talked reguarly and she eventually decided that he was worth the trouble so she flew down to texas to get some face time. they ended up doing the deed and she came back ecstatic and saying that she was in love with this guy and that they had planned on getting married as soon as he moved up here (he was stationed up here at the army base). and now they are married, in a mere 3 months of knowing each other.

i'm not critizing their judgement, i mean they are both very young and if they feel love is in the air then hey who am i to judge. i've heard of people falling in "love" and moving very fast to seal the deal. i was talking to a friend and she said that she would have to be with a person for at least 2 yrs before she married them, but for me i'm more of the wait 6mo to a year. i don't believe that you can learn everything you need to know about a person in 3mo, you need to live with them, spend ample time with them, get to know both families and friends, you have to learn their habits good and bad; i mean there really is a lot to learn before making those vows. I feel like in this case it may be a case of lust which people often mistake as love especially in the younger years...i wouldn't be surprised if infidelity became a problem.

how do you feel about rushed marriges? do you think there is a bit of insecurity that is being covered up? can these types of marriges last and stand strong in these times? how do young (and i mean 18 -23) newlyweds stay loyal and happy?

share your thoughts.


You Can Follow Me?

Wow, I just noticed that there was a Follow Gadget on here....LOL. Okay, people so to keep up on the crazy stories and drama that is my life either Follow Me or Subscribe by entering your email addy. Feedburner is really good at not spamming and selling your info, so you only get updates when I post a new blog. :)


Oops, did I just do that?!?

*in shock*

okay so i'm sitting at work trying to focus my energy on positive things, but something in my heart is screaming out for a little love and affection. so i have the bright idea to call up the ex. i don't know why i chose him, maybe because i knew he would answer...i mean it has been a whole year and some change since we have seen and talked to each other. *sigh* i actually called him on friday of last week, but hung up once i heard his voice. deep down inside i was thinking man i can't call him, i intentionally cut the ties for him so that he could grow and be happy in his current relationship. but today was different, i dialed his number not knowing what i was going to say or how i would react if the voice on the other end wasn't welcoming. it rang a couple times and then he answered...he immeadiatley knew it was me...weird how you never forget a voice that was so special to you once upon a time. our conversation only lasted a couple minutes...but it wasn't a bad thing. the first question he asked me was if i had a boyfriend, apart of me wanted to lie and say yes just to live up to his success in the love department. but instead i uttered a quiet no, he responded with an aww man really, sorry to hear that. LOL, i immediately retorted with a no need to feel sorry for me, it is what it is and i'm happy. i know that in his head he was thinking "wow its been 2 years and she's still single" but i didn't care, i mean he's been with his current girlfriend for about a year and some change, so good for him but i have no reason to feel bad because i don't have anyone. anyways, he mentioned that he was buying a new car soon...which to me sounds like he is doing well for himself, that made me smile to know that he is able to afford those things now because there was a time when he wasn't. then he asked me for a picture...which made me slightly irritated because i knew exactly what he was getting at. you see when we were together he often got on my case about my weight, so i'm assuming that he wanted to see if i had lost anything since the last time we saw each other. after that our conversation ended...

this call left me feeling a little silly at first for dialing his number. i know i'm stronger than that, but i wanted to fill a void and it was easier to do it with something i already know. i am in no way trying to get back with him, he is in a happy relationship with a very beautiful woman. i was just trying to make myself feel better for feeling so lonely.

i remember when we were together we had always said that no matter what happens and who we are with...if we break up we will always be friends and will never let each other go, but last year after the club incident and his girlfriend's insecurities we stopped speaking.

maybe there is a little part of me that wants to be friends with him again because he was the only guy that i got close enough to, to let my guard down and see into my soul. he knew me inside and out and i was happy with that. we had a wonderful friendship because he was tough on me but didn't judge my decisions with a bias mind.

i know that our friendship isn't there...and i know that it is best for me to move on completly and not make contact with him anymore....and i will try my best to make that move.

but today, i did what i did, not sure if its a mistake or not...but i called him, and i don't really feel any different because i'm still the same.



*whoo-friggin-hooo* i'm on a roll, huh? lol

so i've been single for what, 2yrs and um 2months? something like that, but hey whose counting anyways!!

I'm officially over it, and by that i mean I am done with online dating, with trying to get a man, with searching high and low only to get a door slammed in my face...as much as i hate being single, i hate dating even more. its such a drag, i've had 2 great dates and i actually ended up liking both guys...but something weird happened with one where he just randomly decided he didn't like me and the other, oh i don't know its totally up in the air...

sometimes i lay in bed at night reminicing about how it was when i was with my ex...and thats bad. i never want to have flashbacks of previous relationships but that's the only thing that i have to keep me sane when i'm feeling lonely and unwanted. then there are times when i try so hard to settle my mind down at night but my thoughts keep racing around the same things "will i be single forever", "will i ever fall in love again", "will i always be just an after thought", "whats wrong with me"...i hate questioning my existence, but its so hard when i've only had one serious relationship and the rest were just guys in between who meant nothing and contributed only hurt and pain...

blah. i know that this isnt attractive, but everyone deserves one of these days.

So yes, i hate being single and i want nothing more than to share my time with another human being. Love is not on my side, but one day it will be....i just know it!

Just another manic monday

*AHHHHHHHHHHHHH* *bangs head against desk* so its monday afternoon and i have my little to do list going but everything is so easy that i'm holding off so that i will have something to do later this afternoon, is that bad? it's weird as much as i enjoy my job and the people i work with its so hard to stay enthused and energetic about it when its not my passion. some days i wake up and i wish i could be getting ready to head to the set or hit the streets to film my latest documentary. its so hard when mentally this work doesn't stimulate me but realistically the money ain't that bad so i'm in a position where i have to make it work. and i must say that this is not no where near as bad as it was when i worked here last year and ended up quitting. Sometimes i regret that decision but hey i was able to come back so its whatever, but i knew that it wasn't a good fit and when you don't get along with your manager you might as well pull the trigger before they do, right? anyways, i got off track....i love my manager in this new group, so its not that...i'm just bored. this always happens and i try to be "adult" about it and make myslef stick it out because this is not the time to be getting bored with anything that is bringing money to the bank, ya know?! recently i've been working on my docs hoping that i can get that going and just kind of have that stimulate me enough until i can start making money off it and leave the corporate world for the second time!

its crazy when you know what you were born to do but you aren't doing it. and then people criticize you when you can't really do anything about it, sorry but i enjoy making money and i'm not going to give it up just yet. LOL, if i was skinny i would be a stripper just so i could fund my dreams...serioulsy them bitches make benjamin frank-a-lins (in the spirit of Flo Rida) and i don't have that kind of money and at the rate i'm working i won't have it until close to the end of the year...and i'm not sure i can last that long in this place.

i don't know, i'm happy, but not satisfied. it's like being with the love of your life, he/she makes you so happy but they can't satisfy you in the bedroom...you end up feeling disappointed and feeling like blah, what the hell man?!?

Why is losing weight so friggin hard

I am beating myself up inside because i honestly would have been at my goal weight if I would have just stuck to the damn working out on a daily basis! What the hell happened?!? I will tell you what happened, LIFE. This always happens to me and I am in no way complaining, just mad at myself because i didn't stick to it. I had a clear cut plan and i let go of the vision. i was already up against the wall, i didn't have support and i didn't have the tools i needed to be successful. my mind was right for the first month, nothing could keep me away from the gym...but then something happened and i started using the excuse that i was bored and that no one was in my corner...so i stopped going to the gym. I'm really bummed out about this because i had this all planned out, i wanted to jump start my year with 3 months of working out and then get on a regular schedule of going a couple day a week to maintain whatever i lost...but i wasn't stong enough--mentally. i let things get in the way and now i'm sitting here feeling like a failure. blah. okay enough of that.

Here's how i'm going to change this!

I am going to get over my past and anything else that got me to this point and that is holding me back. The only way to move forward is to let go...so i'm doing that now. It's gone. *whooosaaaahhhhhhhh* Next, I'm going to get back into a regular workout schedule starting today, literally today March 30th, 2009. If i don't go to the gym, i will be at a track or walking somewhere. After that, NO MORE Excuses! I am the queen of procrastination, i can stall and make excuses for just about anything, and that is stopping today! Nothing is more important than my health. I am also going to continue eating healthy once I mix this with my cardio things should be somewhat easier. And the last most important thing, I'm going to stop the SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA and i'm going to make sure that when i'm not doing anything, that i'm outside doing something. I still have time and i'm going to make the best of these next few months. Summer 09, is all about ME.

*whew* okay that felt great. I'm all in it this time...it's different, i can feel it.

Believe in me, Trust me, Support me.


Current Addiction: Twitter

Dude, is it totally bad that my new addiction is Twitter?!?! Like I had one last year before all of the hype but I cancelled my account and then I signed up again at the beginning of the year, didn't like it so I nixed that account too...and now I'm back. I actually like it this time around because I'm following some pretty interesting people and I'm naturally nosey so it satisfies the need to be in the know at all times. :) But its a serious addiction, last night I found myself Tweeting throughout Making the Band 3, and then updating it before I went to bed. LOL I know I only have 6 followers but geez, I can't help but let everyone in on my life...I'm a SUPER STAR, thought you knew! HAH

I wonder how long it will be around, will it be like myspace and facebook or will it fizzle out like Friendster and hi5? Only time will tell......

So follow me:http://twitter.com/msdocudrama


When The Tables Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings but you knew that you had to because it was the "right" thing to do?

I feel like that right now. *le sigh*

I've always been the type of girl that was very upfront and real with my feelings, but if I knew that I could crush someone's world with that I always held back to spare them the pain. But this situation is so different, I've never been here before. I mean I have but on the other side of the fence. So there is a person who likes me, matter of fact they are in love with me but I am just not on the same page, I'm not even sure how his feelings fast fowarded to this chapter and I'm still at the beginning. What do I do, How do I make this right without causing him pain? I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to just shut him down. I get the sweetest text messages and phone calls from this person but my heart is not with him and it never will be. He is a really sweet guy but he is just not my type, he's not the one for me...I'm something that he cannot obtian because I'm on a different level, therefore he cannot keep me interested.

It's weird because I've been on the recieving end of this so many times. I am the queen at receiving the "I like you, I'm just not looking for anything serious" line...I've heard that so many times and I have found my way of dealing with it. My ability to accept rejection is stronger than most people because I've had to deal with it so much in my life, it's a constant thing for me...so I know how it feels to be rejected...i just don't know how it feels to reject someone.

What do I do?



the changing world around me

it's been awhile since i've made a public post on here, well i guess its time...
so i'm having some reservations on certain relationships with a couple people in my life. i just feel like things are changing and i'm not sure if i can stop it. sometimes you have friends that you just know in your heart will always be in your life no matter what, good or bad they will always be there. you know the people that you know will be around for weddings, children, divorce *knock on wood*, random adventures, death...EVERYTHING!...but recently i've been noticing that things just aren't the same. i tried to let it go but i just couldn't shake the feeling that regardless of what i try to tell myself that fate is always in charge and if its gonna happen it will. i thought that maybe it was me, maybe i was the one who was changing and not caring anymore. but i knew that wasn't true because i'm always available for this person, well these people. i mean how could it be that the two people outside my family, the two people that i trusted and cared the most for have suddenly just stopped being "friends". yea i get the occasional text message or the random email, but what happened to the phone calls and the random "lets go have dinner", *sigh* maybe i'm just being a girl about things and im over analyzing everything. but i can't help it, i can feel a change coming. i don't trust these people anymore because they are no longer there for me like before. its like new people have come in and taken over and i got left behind; actually that is exactly what happened. honestly i'm used to this, but i typically don't let it get to me...i understand that people change and grow apart, but its different when you share so much but interact so little.

everything is just so interesting right now...

i know that at least one of these people isn't even aware that our friendship is even in jeopardy, and that could be my fault. but i know that this person just doesn't get it...they just don't understand when they need to stop and open their eyes and see whats really going on, ahhh and i've been down this road before, i just don't know if its worth it this time, i mean it is...without these 2 people i feel so alone, its weird. i know there are so many people out there who love me, but these two people have been there for me through thick and thin, they are the only 2 people who understand me and my passions. they keep me calm, so without them, i am alone. i have no one to confide in, no one to get advice from, no one to just chat about life with....so i know its worth it, but there are just so many variables that are causing a HUGE roadblock that i don't think i can break through.

maybe i should just take a break and walk away and see what happens...but then what does that solve...NOTHING. i am not afraid of anyone or anything, i'm not shy, i'm just me. hah i've even been told that i am very blunt, but hey if i have something to say i'm going to say it, why hold back, right? i hate confrontation and i rarely blow up unless i feel very strongly about something. maybe thats why i'm afraid to tackle this, i know that i care so much i just don't want to lose control...............*speechless*

blah....i digress