have you ever?

have you ever just sat and listened to music and every song that played just so happened to remind you of something that you can't and probaly will never have?

that has been happening to me lately. i even updated my ipod with new songs that had little or nothing to do with love. and its like my mind will be completly clear then i will hear a song that brings back memories rushing into my mind. and immeadiatley following that is a reminder that those are only memories and will never be more than that. sucks.

even though in an earlier blog i had said that i didn't want to be involved in a relationship until after i had reached several milestones, i lied. well i guess i didn't really lie, i just changed my mind slightly. i would love to meet someone that i could get to know on a friendship level, but someone who has the potential to be more. i just don't want the confusion of a relationship right now, but i do want someone to spend time with and get to know better. make sense? hmmph. it just seems like everyone that i was involved with is now wifed up...which sucks because i start to feel lonely when i think about the possilbity that they could have been with me. but i know that things happen for a reason so i'm not letting it get to me too much. i guess being single for almost 2 years (1 year & 7months to be exact) is starting to affect me on a mental and emotional level. it affects me phsyically too but not as much because i am sticking to my celibacy vow...i just miss the kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands...everything but the sex.

i guess i will use this time to really make sure that i've found myself that way when i do meet someone i won't be persuaded into being something i'm not. i mean i know who i am, but i have a tendency to lose myself when relationships get serious. i guess i just want someone to spend my time with right now, i like the "getting to know you" phase...it's fun and exciting. and for the first time in a long time i'm not talking to anyone...can you believe it...i have no love interest, i don't even have a crush on anyone right now. freakn A!