who needs friends?

lol. the word "friends" makes me laugh. although i have a lot of "friends", i can honestly say that i only have one person..yes ONE person that i would consider my friend. and she's lucky enough to get that title because i've known her the longest and we've been through a lot of things over the years. she's the only one who will actually call me, email me, or text me everyday to make sure that i'm still alive. everyone else..well i don't hear from them until the weekend. when i don't hear from my bff i don't hear from no one. without her i would have no one. i would be completly alone.


sorry i just had a reality check. i can't believe that i have ONE friend. i don't get invited anywhere unless it comes through her. my phone doesn't ring unless it's her. i'm seriously a loner. and ever since friday night when i was drunk and crazy. i haven't talked to her because i think she's mad at me..and i was bothered that she wouldn't let me use her cell phone. when she knows i don't have the money to turn mine back on. but i just feel super alone. like if i stopped talking to her, everyone else would stop talking to me too. shallow on their part i know. but damn that's deep. i can't even be mad at her even if i wanted to because then i would have NO one at all. none of those people who claim they are my friend even check out my myspace to leave me comments or anything. they won't even check me out on youtube. they all suck. but oh well. one day they will regret the fact that they ignore me.

its super hot right now. so i will be back later to finish this one up.

the things you don't know...my life

i swear if only people knew just how randomly, confusingly, boring my life is. i was going to say sucky..but that would go against my "no complaining" rule.

it's funny how people look at you and can assume just how good you have it. ha, little do they know whats really hood.
well since i need to release this stress i'm just going to let it all out.

it sucks though because people don't understand what i actually go through on a daily basis. yes i am always smiling but i am never happy. i thought about this earlier, how can a person be surrounded by people yet they still feel so alone. thats how i feel everyday. living at home with my mom and brothers there is always something going on, but being that i am super different from everyone here i tend to become invisible. often finding comfort watching a movie on demand or on lifetime. and its not that i don't want to do anything else, it's just that i have no means of doing it. the only time that i actually leave the house is on the weekends when i go play with my friends. other than that i'm at home constantly. but i find peace knowing that i have a place to lay my head every night so i don't complain.

the other thing that irks me is that there are 2 cars here but both my mom and brother refuse to let me drive them unless i'm doing something specifically for them. and that sucks because sometimes i need to go to the store or something but i won't ask because i know the answer will always be no.

i love my life and the people in it. but sometimes, i get sidetracked and i look from the outside in...and knowing everything that i know about myself...i see how much i actually suffer. it takes a toll on you mentally. not having anything or anyone that actually supports you. and not having any money or transportation, but still having to live a lie so that the people around you don't suspect a thing. oh wells. i know things will get better, eventually.

you wanna get to know me?

so i was thinking, what's the best way to get to know me? i am not very good at describing myself to strangers, so i have come to the conclusion that taking the time out to read my blogs and writings anyone can get the basis of who i am. words are like magic and i have a way with words. i can easily pour my soul out in a blog or a song..even a poem. i think thats why i can write several blogs in one day and never get tired of it. so the next time someone asks me to describe myself i'm going to tell them to read my blogs! even if it makes me look a little confused and crazy. :)

my dreams.

everyone remembers when they were younger and their teacher asked the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" well for me the answer was always an entertainer. ever since i can remember i have wanted to entertain people. at first i wanted to be a singer and for a while i was making it happen, that is until our group was scammed. that dream slowly fizzled out. then i wanted to be an actress and shine on the big screen. although that is still a small dream of mine, it became my secondary goal. as i got older, i realized that all i want to do is write and share my experiences with people all over the world through film, television and documentries. my future career is to become a screenwriter. i'm in school for film and video production at the moment. right now i am learning how to shoot footage and edit it. as i get further in my studies i will focus more on directing and screenwriting. i have always wanted to be a writer and being that i have a love for film that will never subside i figure what better way to live a life full of bliss! both are things that i love and can't live without.

oh boy, i have the urge to go on more on this topic but it is now 5:45am and i have already chucked out 7 blogs today..and my body is starting to feel tired and my mind is finally starting to slow down. i think i can catch a few hours of sleep before the madness starts up again. but i shall return. :)

nite/g'morning lovebirds.

newest pet peeve.

so i just had a random thought cross my mind, in reference to some things that happened friday night. my newest pet peeve, i hate when people say that they have been through worst shit than me. i mean how would they know what my life is like when they have never walked one day in my shoes. people always seem to through that out there when arguments arise. i try my best not to prove them wrong because i'm not a complainer and i don't want to air my dirty laundry.

last night got a little out of hand, but i'm blaming it on the brandy. damn dark liquors. i ended up putting all my business out there now my "friends" have seen me with my guard down, which in turn means they have more ammunition to fire at me when i'm down.

it's quite comical when people who don't know you from jane down the street get into a full blown discussion on how bad you life isn't (did that make sense?). like i was saying you don't know me, so why would you take it upon yourself to make comments like : "your life is peaches and cream compared to mine", "you haven't been through shit", "you are a big baby, you don't know anything about struggling"..etc. i hate that. it's a royal pain in the ass. especially when they are coming from people who think they know you, but obviously have NO clue who you are. i mean these people who consider themselves friends don't call, email, or IM me during the week to see if i'm still breathing. the only time i hear or see them is on the weekend when we are all drunk. sorry boo boo you ain't a friend. shit these are the same people that i ask to support my blogs and things, but none of them read them or watch them.

all i can say is don't assume that you have it worse when you haven't thoroughly evaluated the issue at hand. you don't know me so stop trying to live my life. grrrrrr.

so yes, that is my new pet peeve...i think that makes #3.

previous pet peeves:
people who think they are teaching you something when you clearly are more knowledgeable about the topic than they are.

people who say "i hate black women who wear weaves" but then turn around and say " i love women with long hair". then they top it off with "i love black women who wear their hair natural" but they won't talk to any. freakin make up your mind dude..

there you have it. true story.


insomnia - yes i am a sufferer.

i have always been the type of person who thrived after the sun had set. but i always had my limit and i never let myself get out of control. since the beginning of this year, well february to be exact i have been having trouble sleeping. i think it has a lot to do with my change in jobs and schools.

it sucks because my entire schedule is so backwards now. i'm up all night and sleep until at least 1pm every day. i feel like such a bum sometimes. i can't imagine how difficult it's going to be to handle this once i get a job. i know its going to be horrible. tossing and turning all night and being too tired to work the next day. i'm super worried. i missed the same interview 3 times in a row because i either woke up late or i was too tired to make it. so i know working is going to be hard.

my insomnia has become so chronic that now i don't even sleep while it's dark outside. i don't lay down until its completly daylight which nowadays is around 5:30am. crazy i know, right?!?

last night was ok, but that was only because i was drunk off my ass from a night of partying. i got home around 2am and had a little emotional break down. and i thnk i fell asleep around 3:30am. but i ended up waking kind of early. i was awakend around 9:30am and i tossed and turned trying to go back to sleep but i couldn't, so i ended up just getting out of bed and starting my day. it sucked because i wasn't ready at all.

i know that i should probaly take some sleeping pills, but i don't like taking medicine. so i think i'm going to try to regulate my sleep on my own. its an uphill battle, but i'm confident i will win!

the law of attraction and healing your life

so i just got done watching oprah. and todays show was about the law of attraction. it's actually a cool concept. basically, if you think positive you will recieve positive results and if you think negative you will receive negative results. also, if you think about something long enough it will eventually become a reality. she also discussed a vision board, which i made like when i was in junior high school for a class project. but basically you put things on the board that you want to happen in your life, for example..future goals, love and relationships, financial goals, places you want to go, things you want to do..etc. and you do this by using images from magazines and pasting them on a poster board. and you just continue to add to it everytime you want to acheive something. it's all about positive energy. she had a couple of authors on their who were inspirational speakers and they were talking about how you can feel your life. pretty much going back to the speaking positive thoughts, and seeing the actions of those thoughts. also there was something in there about healing your life, and thinking about the feeling that you get from the thing you want. for example. if you want a pretty red sports car, instead of constantly wishing you had it, focus on the feeling that you think you will get when you get that car and it will naturally work it's way into your life.
i took a great deal from today's show. if you love yourself unconditionally and treat yourself with respect, you will start to see a difference in your life. it's all about what you give out, not what you pull in. sort of like the whole pay it forward idea.
anyways..i was just rambling. but it was a pretty cool show..very informational and motivating. i've been going through some things lately. but the good thing about me is that i never let anything stress me out and i never complain. so i am learning that along with that i need to put the positive energy back out there in order for things to get better.
check out these titles..
You Can Heal Your LifeBy Louise Hay
The Unmistakable Touch of GraceBy Cheryl Richardson
Steering by StarlightBy Martha Beck

The SecretBy Rhonda Byrne

not sure how long this link will be active..but here's the page on oprah.com.
true story.

self acceptance is key to happiness

so i just read an interesting blog. and it went a lil something like this. men are visual creatures so women over a size 10 should stay home because you will be passed by everytime and so on. now i am a huge advocate for self acceptance and loving the person you are so that just struck a cord with me. being that i have always been full figured and um womanly. i have dealt with this from the time i was 11. i can remember starting junior hs and wanting so badly to be accepted by the people who were "popular". and of course being that i didn't have a sound mind i tried hard to change the person that i was. so i would constantly force myself to throw up so that i could be skinny and be accepted. that continued throughout my school days..up until the time i graduated in 2003. i was always teased about my weight by my family, my friends, strangers and so on. no one truly understands how damaging it is unless you have been a "big girl" in this world. now that i'm 22 and i understand the difference between being heart healthy and skinny i am comfortable in my own skin. and of course i still get teased and picked on because im not a size2 but i'm happy being the size14 that i am. i don't have a problem telling people my size because honestly it doesn't make me who i am. i am comfortable in my skin. i love me. and i have never been happier. of course i still work out and i struggle with the standard of beauty that i don't fit. but its a daily struggle that i am learning to cope with. since i have become more confident in my skin i have not had any problems with getting a man, yes men are visual beings but they are also attracted to a woman with personality and beauty that shines from the inside out. sometimes it is harder for me to deal with the whole image thing when i'm with my friends, being that they are all skinny breezies that look good in everything, i know that im not them so i live my life and not theirs. and i have made huge strides in living a healthier life, i really got serious about working out and lost 25pounds and feel wonderful about it. the funny thing is that the weight..the number on the scale doesn't even mean anything. its the inches you lose. but oh wells. i just know that no matter what size you are, rock it like you are a superstar! so with all that said, i just want people to understand that when you call someone fat or big you are not helping them, you are creating a wound that goes so deep that it will probaly never heal..you are starting something that will affect that person for the rest of their life. so be careful what you say to people..not everyone is in a place where they can handle the judgemental words you throw their way. plus everyone has their own flaws, some are just more noticable than others.
oh yea one more thing i forgot to add..guys need to stop judging girls because the majority of men who do that aren't even good looking. my rule is don't request a 10 when you are only a 2 because it's not gonna happen. be happy with yourself and happy with those who love you. i digress.
check out my video on self acceptance.

aww the joys of NOT being in love..

ok so i lied..there isn't really a joy that comes with not being in love. i have been single for almost 2 years, wow freaking crazy. of course i have dated in between, but no one has come close to stealing my heart away. at first i was content with being single because i felt like i needed to regain my independence. i was in a long relationship..3 years to be exact and it was quite the roller coaster ride. but after it was done i felt relieved, like i had been locked up for years and finally got a key to freedom. i also was excited because i would finally get the chance to actually live the life of a young 20 something. but now that i have partied for the last couple years and my 23rd birthday is fastly approaching i am starting to feel super lonely. and i hate that feeling. i start throwing myself at guys that i know don't want me but i still do it because of the attention. i find myself reminiscing about my past relationship, i even called my ex to try to rebuild a friendship. crazy i know.

i am SO ready for love, why is it hiding from me??? i love that song by india arie, it's like she is speaking the words that are deep in my soul.

now that i have matured into the cool, chic 22 year old that i am today i know exactly what i want. i have it down from the style to the laugh. i am done with accepting the unneccessary disrespect that i allowed myself to receive. i am done letting men have their way with me just because i want their attention. i am too good for that.

hmm i wonder if this is too much to ask?

height: 6ft or taller
weight: don't care about numbers. just be healthy, stocky not skinny (whaat, a girl likes a lil meat on them bones too)
ethnicity: preferably black, but i don't care..love comes in different flavors.
hair: i love a man with locks (of course the well kept ones, not into the whole rasta look), but if you don't have them it's okay..just have some hair..not into baldys.
style: a mix between justin timberlake, will smith, and jay z.
personality: since i am outgoing and spunky i want someone who is shy but not quite, energetic, spontaneous, a natural communitcator, charasmatic, and sincere. oh yea i almost forgot he has to have a love for art and have a good sense of humor.
career: since i am totally into art and more creative channels, i would love for my future boyfriend to work within the creative art industry..whether it be as an artist or a journalist..it doesn't matter just as long as its not your typical corporate bull-ish.

so all in all i don't think that's too much to ask for. i have faith that i will find this man, i know he's out there somewhere.

i just can't wait to be in love again. i miss the feeling. i forgot what it feels like to actually be in love and have someone in love with you. its so weird how that feeling just disappears from your life without warning. i remember the first time i realized i wasn't in love anymore with my ex. it was the weirdest thing. seriously. i sat down for hours trying to force myself to feel that spark again, but i couldn't. all i could do was say " oh my gosh i don't love him anymore" and it felt weird coming out my mouth..but it was the truth.

i just hate the thought that i may never find that love that i'm looking for. so i try to always keep focused and believe whole heartedly that he will find me. i need him so badly right now. i miss cuddling at night. i miss kissing. i haven't been kissed in SO long and that's not an understatement. i think i may have forgotten how to kiss. wow, i can't believe i just admitted that. i miss going on dates. true story i have never been asked out on a "real" date. usually things just end up heading straight for the bedroom. but i don't get down like that, so those who try always leave with a case of the blue balls. i miss everything about being in love and having a boyfriend.

one day in the near future i will be updating this to say that i found him. but until then, i will continue to share my stories.

ok this is super long now.
i digress.

oh yea check me out on youtube.