Why is EVERYONE igging me?

so i was having a convo with my friend and she told me that i hurt her feelings, now this is the result of a couple friday nights back, (see my post: Friday Nite Lights for more info)to make a long story short we went out to a club, i was enjoying myself and she wasn't so we ended up leaving 30 minutes later...i was quite annoyed but got over it and proceeded to move on because i thought things were fine, but they weren't as i found out today.

anyways, as we were emailing back and forth i kept telling her that i felt like she was acting weird with me, like she was very dry and not her usual self and that she hadn't been since that incident. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like i was calling her a flaker and saying that she was boring because of the one time she decided she wanted to leave a club prematurely. of course i was in total and complete amazement because i felt like WOW, why didn't you tell me this when i brought it up to you a week ago?!? but i didn't say that instead i explained to her why i was annoyed in detail, not sure if she fully understands because emails can be interpreted the wrong way very easily.

I don't know, i just feel like if people have an issue with me they need to be upfront about it because if they sit back and let time pass i will be way ahead of them wondering why they are being so shady towards me. i don't hold grudges and i really can't stay mad at someone for that long unless they royally piss me off but that is rare.

AHH, i don't know it just seems like everyone is ignoring me now. First my best friend is acting funny with me and now mystery man is acting even more weird...wow what a tuesday.

Random Gibberish

Have you ever thought that maybe its time to open up the doors to new prospects?

Lately I've been having thoughts that maybe its time that i make some new friends or shall i say aquaintances. now i love the people that are currently in my life and i have nothing bad to say about them, however they are getting a little boring in the sense that they don't like adventure. i am a very random person so i find it really hard to fit in with people as it is. i like doing things that are out of the ordinary, i enjoy risk taking and just having a grand ole time. i hate the whole image thing and the "i have to be the coolest kid on the block" syndrome. i just like to get in the car and go where ever the wind blows me, that's just the kind of person i am. And after the incident that happened a couple weeks ago i have just been in the mood for change. It's weird because the person that i feel closest to is starting to act "funny". For instance, i asked her if she wanted to go to the britney spears concert in april, she surprisingly turned me down. now normally she would have been game and ready to go, but she just flat out told me she wasn't interested. then she suggested that i go make a new buddy and go with them. i felt like that was kind of a low blow, but whatever. then over the weekend she ended up going out and didn't even bother to invite me. that kind of hurt my feel bads because i just always assume that she will invite me when she goes out and i would do the same. but it didn't happen that way, so it makes me think that maybe she's trying to distance herself..but i dunno. maybe i'm looking too far into this.

In any case, im just ready for adventure. life is too short to stay at home and watch movies all the time. dude you can sleep when you are dead, i'm ready to party and live out loud. Anyone out there ready to play???


Random Thursdays

Its Thursday, say whaaat?

Welcome to my new readers :)

So tomorrow my brother comes back home, he randomly decided to join the marines and just went through 3 months of intensive basic training. So it's cool because he will be here through christmas. My other brother and my mom went down to Californ-I-A to go to his graduation and fly him back up. And my brother sent a pic of what the new marine looks like, OMFG is he skinny and dark. It's crazy how 3 months can change a person. Heck I'm just picturing what I would look like if I went through 3 months of marine bootcamp. *daydreaming* yea, wouldn't that be a sight to see.

Now to the more juicy topics that you've all been waiting for. (just kidding) Not that i want to put my relationship with mystery man out there, but its good to get out my feelings. So recently things have been going well with him despite the minor hiccups along the way. But honestly I'm just not sure if he is someone I should be pursuing as hard as I am. I know for sure that there is something there, but he is so confusing and its been going on for so long. I'm just ready for him to be like "taisha starr, would you be my girlfriend" lol. that would be bomb dot com, but in my reality that would never happen. So i'm just in this stage of waiting for him to get his thoughts together. the only reason i haven't given up on him is because i don't want to lose him as a friend, he is a very special person to me so its like if we can't be together then i will take the friendship as a consolation prize.

OMG, so I have a new stalker. Its riDONKulous! So this guy has been around since like the summer of 06, i think..wow thats a long time. anyways, he started out being somewhat of a french tutor. anyone who knows me knows that i am totally obsessed with everything FRENCH! So he was cool at first, his first language is french so he was just kind of helping me tone up some things. then it turned into him being obsessed with me and now its like borderline crazy scary stalker. so like he used to work at my company but then he quit and then i left for school and blah blah but now i'm back and today he calls me and tells me that hes back too! i'm like OMG now you can just like look up my info and come to my office anytime you want...AHHHHHHHHHHH so yea, i'm now looking for a new job.

OMG stay tuned for my next post about people and how they are so oblivious to when they are wrong.


Happy Hump Day!

*at the top of my lungs* ahhhhhhhhhhhh


no that i got that out of the way, i'm SO happy its Wednesday! although i'm super tired, but i know exactly why. i decided to randomly stay up to almost 3am on monday and my body hasn't had the chance to catch up, so now i'm just dragging behind. it really sucks because i can't focus on my work. :0( and today i actually have a lot of things to get done, so its like i kind of need to focus. I just need to have a conversation with someone to kind of snap some energy back into me. i thought texting would do the trick but nope, too slow and not interactive enough. heck, my usual fix of IM'ing ain't even working. I feel so unhealthy today, I so had some planters peanuts, a bag of skittles, and a diet pepsi for my "lunch" today. I know, don't even say it...i can tell that by now you are shaking your head at the computer screen in disgust. times are hard man and all i could muster up was $1.85, lol. i guess i shouldn't have been overindulging on lunch early this week...hehe. its okay once i get home i'm heading straight to the food box to get me some grub, good healthy grub ;o).

so i noticed while reading over my blog that i have so many typos, but its okay...you guys don't mind, do you? lol i hope not cause i'm not going to fix them harharhar!

*sigh* life is a trip sometimes ain't it. but i can't complain. i'm happy for the most part, but trying to find a career changing job ain't easy in the emerald city. now don't get me wrong i enjoy what i'm doing now and it is very temporary because i have NO future interest in this type of work...but i figure that if i'm really going to be aligned with my 2yr plan i need to start working at some media outlets; the raido, tv/news stations, marketing companies...etc. i really need to be somewhere where my creative juices never run dry and where i'm constantly on the move. job searching is exhausting...thats why i enjoy other people doing it for me;i.e. my recruiters. :o)

I feel super rough today, i hate that i don't wake up in enough time to do my hair and makeup at home. i wish that i could just get up at least an hour earlier...ok maybe 30 min earlier so i could actually do my hair at least at home. it makes a huge difference when you come to work ready. at the moment my current routine is waking up at 6:45 (i'm really supposed to be up at 5:30a) running to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth...by the time i'm done its 7a, and i have to find something to wear, put it on and get out the house by 7:15am...and when i get to work naked face and all i sit in the garage and do my eye makeup and just pull my hair back and i call it a day. its so not cool. i want to be done up and ready when i get here.

blah...time to get to work.


back on top

..so in continuation with my last post, i'm now back on good...no scratch that GREAT terms with the mystery man. So we went out to dinner tonight and it was so much fun, when i'm with him i completly loose track of time and i'm just in this fantasy world. i absoloutely love the way he makes me feel. we always have the best conversation and i don't know the connection between us is mos def there. i just wish i was much clearer on his feelings...like i'm pretty good at reading people and he seems so perfect but he still has me confused. i just don't want to end up looking like a fool. he knows how i feel, so i don't know why he's holding back.


OMG my peircing hurts SO bad right now. i just want to pull it out but i can't...i'm tired of my monroe...i'm going to take it out before the end of this month and get my bottom lip pierced instead.

sorry, i totally got off track. but yea, when i'm with him life is perfect. it's weird because i love being affectionate...you know kissing and cuddling, but i will only do it with certain guys. i have to have a true emotional connection with you to even get that close, is that weird? *sigh* i don't know, i just feel like kissing is so personal, its like the person can just suck your sould right out and capture your heart in a split second. but with the mystery guy i just want to pounce on him and give him a long, passionate kiss. he is the second guy that i've ever wanted to kiss, i'm so serious about that. i've only kissed one guy (passionatly tounge and all) in my life and that was my ex, so you can kind of see how serious i take this. kissing and cuddling is just that special to me. i want to kiss him so badly, but dammit i can't, at least not until i know how he feels...

blah enough about that.

dinner was wonderful and so is he.........

I'm acting Young now...

OMG men are so freaking ri-damn-donkulous!

okay okay lemme explain..

so my "friend" hits me up yesterday via Yahoo IM, he asks me how work was going and i told him everything was fine but i was feeling slightly distracted. So he asks me why and what is distracting me...i didn't want to tell him because i really didn't feel the need to disclose to him my sexual frustrations. so i told him it was nothing and that i didn't want to talk about it..so he of course gets upset and doesnt talk to me for the rest of the day.

today comes along and i get a text from him asking me if i'm still trippin, so i'm all confused and ask him what he's talking about..he then proceeds to tell me that he is 25 and i was acting young!?! dude serious, young? the fuck! i was upset, but i didn't let it show...i simply told him that i never thought of my reaction as being "young" and i explained to him why i held back. i added a little joke in there which lightened the mood...now i'm assuming things are kosher between us, but honestly who knows..he is super duper confusing.

now he's like texting me like we never had a lil dispute..its weird. one minute u are mad at me and the next you are loving me...make up ya mind!

sometimes i ask myself if this is all worth it, a part of me is screaming YES and the other half is say RUN far far away...so i'm simply torn...



random talk and putting my life into perspective pt.1

dude i feel super narcissistic, i was updating my myspace page and i was realizing that i have almost 15 albums of myself...lol. they are from over the last 3 years so of course the older ones are private...but still that's a lot of pictures. i was reading up on narcissism and it says that a little bit of self obsession is healthy, so hopefully i'm not going overboard. i just really feel like i am super beautiful, is that weird? i'm not even a cocky person, there are lots of things that i can improve on, but i am in love with my reflection...i can like stare at myself for hours...lol well maybe not hours, maybe like 30min...hmmph...idk i'm special..hehe

wow it's 11:30, almost tuesday! this is my 7th blog today..eek. my mind has been in overdrive lately so excuse my excessive need to blog. today has just been one of those days when i feel all alone. seriously none of my "friends" texted me today *sad face*. i even sent some messages out and never received a response...oh wells guess people are too busy for lil ole me. i'm not worried, it was just an observation.

so i posted the link to this blog in a more visable place on my myspace so i'm sort of afraid of the views that i'm about to get. hopefully people will read the disclaimer and not get their undies in a bunch.

my brother comes back on friday and man things are going to change up again, not sure if i'm ready for it. i kind of got myself accustomed to a few luxuries while he was gone and now that he is coming back i'm afraid that losing them will be extremely hard to do. i guess i could have prepared better for this but honestly i've been putting back for my video equipment, no one is helping me with any of the projects i'm working on so i'm focused on doing this all myself. i just hate that the economy is so tight, i was willing to get a second job but quickly realized that i'm not willing to give up certain freedoms.

is it wrong that i don't like to live by the rules? or that i hate restrictions? my ideal life is to be able to do what i want to do (under God's will of course) and not have to worry about breaking or following rules or being held back by anything. i just want to live my life to the fullest. i absolutely hate the 9-5 thing, its SO not me, but i do it because i know i have to...i have to give up something to get the reward i'm seeking, right? sometimes its just hard because mentally i know that i'm selling myself out by wasting time at these big corporations when i could be putting my creative talent to use. but i don't get paid to sit and write scripts, at least not yet. so right now i have to work just like everyone else until i'm able to pursue my dream with both feet on the ground.

*thinking "someone text me puhlease*

i don't know on my drive to work today i realized that everything that i have done in my past, career wise, has done nothing for my future...weird huh? like since i was 18 (23 now) i've been working at a large and well known corporation and that is literally my entire resume. at first i was okay with working there and pursuing a false goal, but once i reached that goal i got bored and wanted to move on. i tried to move on and ended up right back where i started, WTF man?!?! everyday i rack my brain trying to figure out my next move. yes, i know i have my 2yr plan that is currently in full affect, but dammit i can't wait 2yrs...i might not even be here in 2yrs, so why wait? i'm all about taking risks...so idk i'm just ready for that opportunity of a lifetime. you know everyone gets the chance of a lifetime to make a difference, some of us see it and some of us don't...i'm not trying to miss my chance to do something great.

i was watching the britney special "for the record" last night on mtv and it inspired me in some weird way. just watching her inspired me to make a move, even when i was watching keyshia cole "the way it is" on bet her story inspired me...heck even my girl beyonce has been inspiring me lately. i don't know i have so many inspirations coming my way, i just need to light the fire and get moving...

i have all the pieces to the puzzle, now i just have to put them together...

ahhhhh *sigh* putting my life into perspective is getting easier...one day at a time i suppose...one day at a time...

good nite folks

re: letter to myself

so about 6 months ago i did a letter to myself at a period in my life where things were oh so depressing, so this is just a continuation...don't worry, if you don't understand just go back and read the drama that is my life :o)!

dear me,

how are ya gorgeous? things have been so much better since you decided to let go and let God. sometimes you just have to stop trying to control everything and let things flow naturally. although things haven't been perfect life certainly seems to be on the up and up, right?

i'm loving that new confidence that you are portraying. so many people don't understand the hair issue and how big it was of you to let it go and just do its own thing. its, okay in time they will see the difference. i'm so proud that you are allowing yourself to roam freely without any inhibitions. i love how you don't care what people think and the random stares you get, you are just being the star you were born to be. not everyone has the confidence to be different in this cookie cutter world.

wow, so the love life is so-so...but hey you can't complain. you have a really great guy in your life who accepts you for all your flaws, even though things are not the way you want them, he's a great friend to you without all the extra frosting (;o)). i know you want to find love so badly, just be paitient and it will find you. keep on doing what you are doing, being different and daring and your "prince charming" will find you when you least expect it (i know that sounds cliche but its true).

ah before i forget, stay focused on your dreams and goals. I know sometimes it gets hard because no one believes in your vision, but you can't blame them...everyone has dreams of fame so what makes yours any different. wait a minute, don't answer that...i know what makes yours different...you were born to succeed so your dreams are actual a reality in the making. keep pushing forward and eventually you will reach your shining star.

i'm so proud of you..you have come a long long way since this summer. your confidence is great, you are beautiful in every way. nothing can stop you...stay strong and keep growing.

you have a bright future! speak your destiny into exisitence and never doubt yourself girl, you are a star!

love, me..

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

My Christmas 08 Wishlist

Canon XL2 Camcorder Outfit with Lens

MacBook Air

iPod Touch

Sony Cyber-shot DSC-T70

Gift Card to Torrid

Chance by Chanel (love this fragrance)

Prada Infusion d'iris



To Be Continued...

another installment of pet peeve mania!

okay, so as we all know i'm a very simple person...quite easy to please but i do have my little quirks (hey it just wouldn't be right if I didnt, right?).

Why is it that when you send someone a simple text message saying hi and such they can't respond back in a timely manner?!? it's like i know you got my message, i'm sure your phone vibrated or sung a lil song when my message came thru...let me guess you looked down in excitment hoping it was that special person, you open your phone and surprise its just me..ahahahaha. too funny. but no seriously, why can't people just do me the courtesy and respond, that way i'm not sitting here feeling like a total douche for sending you a message.

i just don't get it. i mean when people send me texts, i always respond...that's the nice thing about text messages, you can respond in detail or just with a one word response and hopefully the person on the recieving end will sense whether or not you want conversation. i don't know maybe its just me.

i just hate texting people because i'm never sure if they are going to ignore me or not. being ignored via text is just as bad as walking down the street and seeing someone you know, running up in excitment to say hi and they just walk right past you like "now what sucka". oh wells.

and the thing that makes it worse is when that person texts you on a random monday morning and you don't respond to them they get all butt hurt and want to bitch you out because now YOU are igging THEM. ahh how the tables turn.

so this is what pet peeve #1009, lol just kidding.

Youtube return??

I decided that I am going to start vlogging again, recently I have had so much to say but never have anyone to say it to. I'm borrowing my friends camera so I figure may as well take advantage of it, right?

I think this time around I will focus more on my natural hair journey and other issues that come up. I am going to do my best to stay out of all the Youtube drama. I kind of got myself caught up in the whole BM bashing BW thing. I'm not sure how that happened because it totally wasn't my intention..but it happened nonetheless(gosh i love that word) because of a video i did entiteled "no i don't like thugs". apprently people looked so deep into it and they started telling me how i didn't get it and how i was apart of the problem. it was quite comical because these men think that they know how each and every BW acts. what they don't understand is that we are all very different and were raised differently. it just seems like no matter what you say there will always be someone there to argue with you, so i just smile and respond to their comments. but yea that video totally got me caught up in that whole drama. so i'm going to do my best to keep that type of drama off my channel.

In any case I'm ready!

Friday Night Lights...

so my weekend was such a blur, but not in a good way. So anyone who knows me knows that I am a little ball of energy, I just love living out loud and doing it big everyday. So it was only natural that when Friday came around that I would be ready to go out and have fun. So i call up my friend and ask her if she's DTK (love it) so at first she's like excited and ready to put on her party hat...but then once we got to the club her whole attitude changed. That's when I knew that the night was going to go sour, but of course me being the positive person that I am, I decided to just smile and hope for the best. A couple things upset me that night, #1 I had to drive to Seattle and pay for parking (which was only $5 but hey times are hard, #2 I sat in the car for an hour wasting valuble dancing and drinking time so that I could try to hype up my friend, #3 I had to pay her cover (which was $10 and mine was only $5, go figure), and #4 we ended up leaving the club after only 30min of standing in one place. I could go on but I'm choosing not to list everything because it will only anger me.

I just hated the fact that she went to the club with the intention of not having fun, it's like she knew no one from our crew would be there so she wasn't even trying to have it. I dislike people like that and I never saw that side of her until that night. It was like we sat in the car and she just kept saying how drunk she had to be to enjoy herself and how we should have went somewhere else and blah blah blah. And the fudged up part was that the club was actually cracktastic, like it was really poppin...the music was right, it was packed but not too bad. The only issue I had was that it was extremely hot in there...like they neglected to fix the A/C, but other than that it was coolness. It was like she didn't want to have fun, she choose not to have fun which resulted in her spoiling my night. So 30min into us just standing on the dance floor I polietly asked her if she wanted to leave and she was like yes, so I swallowed my pride, put on my happy face and drove her home. Then of course I was bored out of my mind because it was only 1:15am!!! It was slightly irritating.

I also got irritated at the fact that she was telling me her plans for Saturday as if she was really including me. Apparently there was a birthday party and they were having it at a place that I dislike for my own personal reasons. I am open to going there for special occasions, but its rare. So she mentions to me that they were having dinner earlier in the evening, so after she tells me that shes like telling me how she's getting picked up at 7:30 and that if I'm going I need to find my own ride if I don't want to drive...so at this point I'm like WTF..I'm so over the impromptu invites...they don't make you feel loved at all. It's more like a "oh I'm going here and since I know you have nothing to do, would you like to come? Oh yea but if you do come you need to find your own ride and stuff..hehe hehehe." Grrr I hate that!

Then on top of that, I am always told be this person how they hate it that I have to trick myself into having a good time when I go to certain places. My whole reason for that is that sometimes I don't enjoy certain people or venues so I have to hype myself up so that I can look past it and have a good time regardless. She on the other hand loves to say how its the people not the place that makes a good time and how she can have a good time ANYWHERE, ha...so contridicting.

The highlight of my night were the racoons that were harassing me when I got home. Yes, I said racoons. It was crazy, I like get home and I'm sitting in the car and I look out the window only to see a family of 5 walking across the front yard. And they just like stopped and chilled there for a moment, like they knew I was sitting there and they were trying to show me whose boss. It was funny, yet traumatizing.

Moral of this story:

Don't go out somewhere if you don't really want to go! Practice what you preach!!

wait, what did i miss??

OMG, I need to like recap so much!

Hmm, lets start with Vegas, it was GREAT! I had fun and I'm so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and doing me every step of the way. I went down there with the intention of not worrying so much about my hair and the way I looked and it turned out great. At the end of the day I felt confident and sexy and was getting love from everyone.

So after we got back from Vegas it was the week of thanksgiving, so I was persuaded into going out on the night before thanksgiving. i had never been out before on the day before so i was a little weary about the whole thing, but once I got a little liquor in me i was ready to party. that turned out to be a very random night..we will go into more detail in a separate blog.

thanksgiving day was cool although it was a little weird not having my brother or my dad around. but we still managed to have a grand ole time.

the weekend is another story...so i will do that in a separate post as well.

overall these last 4 days have been wonderful and relaxing.