happy 4th of july and random stuff..

so today was a a good day. it started off somewhat stressful, but as time went along the issues that were present seemed to subside. i talked to my best friend, i felt much better after a few minutes on the phone with her. i totally got bitched at by my mom, for something that wasn't my fault of course. i don't know what it is...i just think she's under a lot of stress..but hell everyone in this house is. ever since last december and all of the events that unfolded our lives have been forever changed. no one talks about what happened, so everyone has this boiling water complex...you know when the water gets to hot, it boils over the top. well thats how everyone in my immeadiate family is right now. its so weird. we are SO not your normal family. although we used to be, everyone used to love our family because we were like the cosbys...but so much changed since last december. things are different. things are so much harder than they were before. oh well, that's life i guess.

i am still waiting on my package to arrive, that is the only thing that is stressing me out right now. i was peeved on thursday because i was told it would be here then...but it never arrived. today was a holiday so i knew it wasn't going to be here...and it probaly won't show up saturday. just as long as i get it before i go to vegas on thursday.

i hate living a lie. well i'm not really living a lie. i just give people the happy side of me, the side of me that appears to have no problems. i can't help but feel like no one really knows me. but thats my fault. oh well.

i can't believe how much fun i had today. we walked around all night shooting fireworks it was great. i wish i had a digi cam so that i could have recorded everything..i swear when me, my brothers, and my cousin get together its like watching comic view. i can't wait to get back on my feet and start fresh. things will be different next time.

i was going to do 2 blogs today..but its 2:27am and i'm tired..so i'm putting it all into one.

so i was talking to my cousin and i asked her to apply for the biggest loser with me. i thought it would be fun. i am still trying to get into shape. i have a long ways to go until i reach my target weight. but recently i have been having issues, so i have been moving backwards instead of forward. its a pshycological problem. you see i suffer from bulimia which stems from my emotional eating. so it makes it twice as hard for me to lose weight and keep it off. instead i maintain the same weight which frustrates me even more. so i figure why not apply for the show..i know they can help me stick to a plan that will work. plus all the people who go on the show and make it to the finals always look completly different. and i know that if i had that type of change i would probaly get the attention that i want. people have always told me that i have a pretty face and a nice personality but if i lost weight i would be a dime. i hate when people tell me that. it hurts. it makes me feel like i am not good enough for anyone now. its not like i'm super duper huge. wow, i think i'm going to continue on this topic later..probaly on sunday.

nite.