Happy Easter...things never go as planned

So in an earlier post titled "Another Shot at Love w/Tayshia Starr" I gave a little insight into my dating life...well I'm totally feeling like I got blown off. So today I was supposed to hang out with the navy guy, yes I know it's easter but this year my mom decided that she was going to move the holiday to the coming weekend because my brother will be back in town (my brother is in the marines and missed a couple holidays last year) so we weren't doing anything as far as family goes so I cleared out my entire day. Then I get a text at 8 something this morning saying that he has to work today and that he was really upset that he couldn't see me...um i smell bullsheezy, do you?

I mean I understand that some people actually do have to work on Easter but this guy has had the same excuse literally every weekend for the last 3 weeks or so. And what is making this such a confusing situation is that HE is initiating this, every time I get a call from him asking me if I want to go on a date and I accept because I don't really go out as much as I use to so I don't mind...then it's like on the day that he has planned things for us to do he will text me and tell me that he has to work and that he will reschedule for the following weekend. I am an understanding chick so I don't jump to conclusions, I just tell him that I understand and that we will work something out. But its getting a little out of hand now. I'm just feeling like he is blowing me off, but I don't understand how someone can say they want to get to know you on a serious level, make dates with you, call you throughout the week, only to cancel with you the day of the date. WTFH? how does that work? BLAH. So this morning I didn't even respond to his text, I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I want it to be clear that I'm not feeling this game he's playing with my emotions.

*le sigh*

We will see where this goes, probably not far at the rate that it's going now...

Happy Easter!
xoxo,
Tay

Another Shot at Love w/ Tayshia Starr

ahhh i'm stoked right about now, but i'm really trying to limit my level of excitment for fear of having my hopes crushed by reality. so let me fill you in on all the craziness since i'm sure you are staring at your screen wondering what the heck i'm talking about, ahh yea right. LOL

so for the last couple months i've been dating, well kind of dating this guy. he is 23 and in the navy, not orginally from the emerald city but currently stationed here. i remember the first date we had i wasn't sold on him at all, not because he was white (because i love men of all races), but more so because our personalities were so different. we were sitting in the cafe and i remember him smiling the entire time, i felt like i was a bit to bubbly for him because he was very mellow but i later found out that it was just nerves. we sat in that cafe for 4 hours talking about everything, we wanted to check out a movie but there were none showing for another hour so we obliged...and planned something for the following weekend. our next date was more simple, we watched a movie, had dinner, and chilled at his place...i had a wonderful time and i kept thinking how silly i was to pass him up just because he was too quiet. after our second date we planned to hang out again the next week, but something got in the way and we ended up not seeing each other for 2 months. he contacted me last month wanting to get together again, so i agreed to the idea. and here we are a few weeks later planning our 3rd date. he called me last night and we talked for about 20 minutes, although it seemed longer because we covered so much ground. we planned to do something on sunday, being that its easter i'm not sure how that will go but we shall see.

i'm a bit skeptical only because i have been let down so much in the past and i'm not sure if this is any different. i get the sense that he is very honest and that he has my best interest at heart so i'm going to just go with the flow and see how things go.

now on a different front i find myself thinking about the underlying factors that may pose an issue, well at least in the beginning if we were to decided to become exclusive. one that of him being in the navy. i have so much respect for the military men and women, but i'm not sure if that lifestyle is for me. i mean i can see the pros and cons and i feel comfortable saying that i probably could make it work, but it eventually becomes a LDR (long distance relationship) and those are typically in most cases prone to failure. he has already told me that he is deploying sometime in the summer/fall and he will be back on the east coast...so that makes me weary because i don't know how i would handle that. *le sigh* my other issue (which isn't a problem on my end) is his race, i am black and he is white. even though we are in 2009 and we have a bi-racial man in the white house there is still this stigma of black women being sellouts because the date white men. i don't care about the stares and the whispers because i'm comfortable with myself and i will love who i'm with regardless of what they look like. i'm more concerned about my family and his family and how that would work out...maybe i'm thinking a little too far ahead. :) but nonetheless, those are the only two issues that i see when it comes to him...i like him, he is a super great guy and he makes me laugh.

well i had no intention in this being an entire novel but hey..its early and my brain is warming up.

i will keep you updated on my date. wish me luck and send good prayers up to the big man for me. :)

xoxo tay

Vermont legalizes gay marragies

before i went to bed last night the last story that i heard on the news was that of Vermont lawmakers legalizing gay marriage. now i have always been pro choice on many issues, and i have always felt like gay couples should be treated as any hetero couple so when i heard the news i was happy. but then i found out that only 3 other states have passed a bill that allows gay marriage to happen (Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Iowa)and that burst my bubble. Why is it that these types of things have to go through a long, dreadful process? why do people make such a big deal on whether or not 2 people of the same sex can get married? if they can make the Plan B drug legal without a prescription for 17 year olds then they can easily pass a bill that allows gay unions in all 50 states. i understand that some people may feel like it is morally wrong and a sin, but we are living in 2009 and there are sins way worse being committed every second, so these people should be allowed to marry just like the rest of us. i've heard this saying so many times, everyone has one soul mate in life so if you are lucky enough to find yours then hold on to them tight and never let go (i changed it up a bit, but you get the idea), so does that only apply to straight heterosexual people? are we not all equal? are we not all human beings that have the ability to love what we find attractive in this "free" country?

Here's the story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30089125/

Congrats Vermont and to all of the people who are able to marry their soul mate!

Married at 21 - Love or Lust

so i was perusing myspace and happened to come across the page of a "friend" and found out that she just got married! now you may be sitting there thinking, okay congrats to her, so what? well heres the catch, she just met this guy in january of this year...well she found him, she didn't actually meet him until late february. the story behind it is that she met him online on one of the many dating sites (which I am personally boycotting) he lived in a different state and is in the military, i'm assuming they talked reguarly and she eventually decided that he was worth the trouble so she flew down to texas to get some face time. they ended up doing the deed and she came back ecstatic and saying that she was in love with this guy and that they had planned on getting married as soon as he moved up here (he was stationed up here at the army base). and now they are married, in a mere 3 months of knowing each other.

i'm not critizing their judgement, i mean they are both very young and if they feel love is in the air then hey who am i to judge. i've heard of people falling in "love" and moving very fast to seal the deal. i was talking to a friend and she said that she would have to be with a person for at least 2 yrs before she married them, but for me i'm more of the wait 6mo to a year. i don't believe that you can learn everything you need to know about a person in 3mo, you need to live with them, spend ample time with them, get to know both families and friends, you have to learn their habits good and bad; i mean there really is a lot to learn before making those vows. I feel like in this case it may be a case of lust which people often mistake as love especially in the younger years...i wouldn't be surprised if infidelity became a problem.

how do you feel about rushed marriges? do you think there is a bit of insecurity that is being covered up? can these types of marriges last and stand strong in these times? how do young (and i mean 18 -23) newlyweds stay loyal and happy?

share your thoughts.

Oops, did I just do that?!?

*in shock*

okay so i'm sitting at work trying to focus my energy on positive things, but something in my heart is screaming out for a little love and affection. so i have the bright idea to call up the ex. i don't know why i chose him, maybe because i knew he would answer...i mean it has been a whole year and some change since we have seen and talked to each other. *sigh* i actually called him on friday of last week, but hung up once i heard his voice. deep down inside i was thinking man i can't call him, i intentionally cut the ties for him so that he could grow and be happy in his current relationship. but today was different, i dialed his number not knowing what i was going to say or how i would react if the voice on the other end wasn't welcoming. it rang a couple times and then he answered...he immeadiatley knew it was me...weird how you never forget a voice that was so special to you once upon a time. our conversation only lasted a couple minutes...but it wasn't a bad thing. the first question he asked me was if i had a boyfriend, apart of me wanted to lie and say yes just to live up to his success in the love department. but instead i uttered a quiet no, he responded with an aww man really, sorry to hear that. LOL, i immediately retorted with a no need to feel sorry for me, it is what it is and i'm happy. i know that in his head he was thinking "wow its been 2 years and she's still single" but i didn't care, i mean he's been with his current girlfriend for about a year and some change, so good for him but i have no reason to feel bad because i don't have anyone. anyways, he mentioned that he was buying a new car soon...which to me sounds like he is doing well for himself, that made me smile to know that he is able to afford those things now because there was a time when he wasn't. then he asked me for a picture...which made me slightly irritated because i knew exactly what he was getting at. you see when we were together he often got on my case about my weight, so i'm assuming that he wanted to see if i had lost anything since the last time we saw each other. after that our conversation ended...

this call left me feeling a little silly at first for dialing his number. i know i'm stronger than that, but i wanted to fill a void and it was easier to do it with something i already know. i am in no way trying to get back with him, he is in a happy relationship with a very beautiful woman. i was just trying to make myself feel better for feeling so lonely.

i remember when we were together we had always said that no matter what happens and who we are with...if we break up we will always be friends and will never let each other go, but last year after the club incident and his girlfriend's insecurities we stopped speaking.

maybe there is a little part of me that wants to be friends with him again because he was the only guy that i got close enough to, to let my guard down and see into my soul. he knew me inside and out and i was happy with that. we had a wonderful friendship because he was tough on me but didn't judge my decisions with a bias mind.

i know that our friendship isn't there...and i know that it is best for me to move on completly and not make contact with him anymore....and i will try my best to make that move.

but today, i did what i did, not sure if its a mistake or not...but i called him, and i don't really feel any different because i'm still the same.

When The Tables Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings but you knew that you had to because it was the "right" thing to do?

I feel like that right now. *le sigh*

I've always been the type of girl that was very upfront and real with my feelings, but if I knew that I could crush someone's world with that I always held back to spare them the pain. But this situation is so different, I've never been here before. I mean I have but on the other side of the fence. So there is a person who likes me, matter of fact they are in love with me but I am just not on the same page, I'm not even sure how his feelings fast fowarded to this chapter and I'm still at the beginning. What do I do, How do I make this right without causing him pain? I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to just shut him down. I get the sweetest text messages and phone calls from this person but my heart is not with him and it never will be. He is a really sweet guy but he is just not my type, he's not the one for me...I'm something that he cannot obtian because I'm on a different level, therefore he cannot keep me interested.

It's weird because I've been on the recieving end of this so many times. I am the queen at receiving the "I like you, I'm just not looking for anything serious" line...I've heard that so many times and I have found my way of dealing with it. My ability to accept rejection is stronger than most people because I've had to deal with it so much in my life, it's a constant thing for me...so I know how it feels to be rejected...i just don't know how it feels to reject someone.

What do I do?

=o(

back on top

..so in continuation with my last post, i'm now back on good...no scratch that GREAT terms with the mystery man. So we went out to dinner tonight and it was so much fun, when i'm with him i completly loose track of time and i'm just in this fantasy world. i absoloutely love the way he makes me feel. we always have the best conversation and i don't know the connection between us is mos def there. i just wish i was much clearer on his feelings...like i'm pretty good at reading people and he seems so perfect but he still has me confused. i just don't want to end up looking like a fool. he knows how i feel, so i don't know why he's holding back.

*sigh*

OMG my peircing hurts SO bad right now. i just want to pull it out but i can't...i'm tired of my monroe...i'm going to take it out before the end of this month and get my bottom lip pierced instead.

sorry, i totally got off track. but yea, when i'm with him life is perfect. it's weird because i love being affectionate...you know kissing and cuddling, but i will only do it with certain guys. i have to have a true emotional connection with you to even get that close, is that weird? *sigh* i don't know, i just feel like kissing is so personal, its like the person can just suck your sould right out and capture your heart in a split second. but with the mystery guy i just want to pounce on him and give him a long, passionate kiss. he is the second guy that i've ever wanted to kiss, i'm so serious about that. i've only kissed one guy (passionatly tounge and all) in my life and that was my ex, so you can kind of see how serious i take this. kissing and cuddling is just that special to me. i want to kiss him so badly, but dammit i can't, at least not until i know how he feels...

blah enough about that.

dinner was wonderful and so is he.........

I'm acting Young now...

OMG men are so freaking ri-damn-donkulous!

okay okay lemme explain..

so my "friend" hits me up yesterday via Yahoo IM, he asks me how work was going and i told him everything was fine but i was feeling slightly distracted. So he asks me why and what is distracting me...i didn't want to tell him because i really didn't feel the need to disclose to him my sexual frustrations. so i told him it was nothing and that i didn't want to talk about it..so he of course gets upset and doesnt talk to me for the rest of the day.

today comes along and i get a text from him asking me if i'm still trippin, so i'm all confused and ask him what he's talking about..he then proceeds to tell me that he is 25 and i was acting young!?! dude serious, young? the fuck! i was upset, but i didn't let it show...i simply told him that i never thought of my reaction as being "young" and i explained to him why i held back. i added a little joke in there which lightened the mood...now i'm assuming things are kosher between us, but honestly who knows..he is super duper confusing.

now he's like texting me like we never had a lil dispute..its weird. one minute u are mad at me and the next you are loving me...make up ya mind!

sometimes i ask myself if this is all worth it, a part of me is screaming YES and the other half is say RUN far far away...so i'm simply torn...

*sigh*

missin you

i can't believe that i may not see you or talk to you for 2 whole months, i wish i there was more that i could do...unfortunatley i'm stuck. but i miss you, this past weekend i did my best to keep my mind off of you, but of course your laugh and your voice kept creeping back into my mind. the last time i saw you everything was perfect, but i could sense your uncertainty for the events that were to take place the next day. i did my best to keep your mind off it and i tried so hard to just be a good friend. i knew that i was probaly not going to see you for a while after dinner that night, but i stayed strong for you.

gosh i just want to see you right now, i just wish that i could call you right now. as much as i am trying to stay strong i'm feeling so helpless....

i want to do more...i need to do more...

like i always tell you, i will do anything for you...

stay strong, think positive...i love you

Love, Life, & Men

So my life and love have not been on the same page lately...seems like everything i touch turns to dust right before my eyes.

Mentally I am at the same place I was a couple months ago, ready for love and ready for a new adventure. Well an old flame decided to waltz back into my life and stirred up all sorts of emotions. I found myself getting quickly attached and falling hard for his mind games. I was just so happy that he came back to me after a few lonely months apart. I was so happy to find out that him and her didn't work out. Over the last couple months he has quickly made his way to the top of my priority list, catering to every need that he has. At first I thought it was a good thing, an answered prayer...I thought he was the one that I'd been waiting for. But then of course with all good things that happen to me follows a heart breaking blow to my reality.

One night in my drunken stuper (after a hard night of partying with my friends) I decided it would be a great idea to confess my love for him via text message. The next morning I just knew that I had done something stupid so I checked my messages and read what I had sent him. Oh was I embarassed. I quickly called him to apologize and explain myself and of course being the gentleman that he is, he told me not to worry about it and that it was okay. So i tried to let it go, but i couldn't help but wonder how he felt about me. So i kept pressing the issue and never really got the answer i was looking for, heck i didn't even get an answer at all.

so now i'm wondering should i stick around or just let it go...

every time i mess up he seems to punish me by ignoring me, but every time i come through for him he showers me with praise. He is full of mixed emotions and gives off confused vibes.

when it comes to him i really don't know what to do...its been almost 2yrs and i feel like we have come a long way, but we are still so far from everything we want.

hmmph

i digress

men..enough said.

men are so freaking confusing!

true story.
so i was online last night and i got a message from my friend. now we had a IM conversation earlier last week about an issue that he was having and i told him that i would try to help him because i do care about him and i consider him a friend so it was no biggie. well anyways, we were chatting on Yahoo IM about his current situation and he had told me that he was depressed so i tried to give him some positive words of encourgement. well as we were chatting about his situation, he randomly made a comment about how he missed me. (a little background, me and this guy have been close for about a year and some change, he was the first dude that i sorta dated after me and my ex broke up). i was thrown off by this because i thought that he had a girlfriend, i mean according to his myspace he was in love and happy. so for him to miss me made me think, either he is trying to be nice because i'm going to help him or his girl ain't handling business like she should be. but anyways, after he told me that he missed me he went on to tell me how i can call him anytime and that i shouldn't be afraid to call him...it was an interesting convo. it kind of made me smile, but i dunno...i'm not trying to get caught up with him again. i'm on a new path and i'm trying to keep that relationship strickly friends.

now the other confusing man in my life is my "vegas boo"...he is a peice of work. now i've only been talking to him for about 5 or 6 months, but i like him. he makes me smile. he lives in vegas, and we were able to get some down time when i visited back in july. we have similiar personalities...well at least in the sarcastic department, guess its a libra thing. lol yes, he's a libra too. but that was what initially drew me to him, i am a very sarcastic person and usually men are thrown off by that because they assume that i am being rude or argumentative. but he was the only one who can handle it and throw it back at me. so i love it. and we have a lot of similiar interest...so we get along. he even asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend...i left it unanswered because of the distance thing...but the problem with that is that we act like we are closer than what we actually are. so a couple nights ago we were chatting on yahoo and he was telling me about this chick who is feeling him and whatnot so he like brought up the fact that he didn't like her but he had kissed her and would consider having sex with her...so i was trying to not show my feelings and be supportive since i haven't claimed him as my man...but then i told him that i was sad and would be hurt if he did do the whole fuck buddy thing with her...so he responds back telling me that if its going to hurt me he won't go through with it and then he was like she's not his type and blah blah blah...so i was like that's sweet...but not sure if he was being honest. i mean i don't care if he were to do it because i'm not down there to take care of him, not even sure when i'm going back..and we haven't confirmed our relationship so its like whatever. but i do like him, so i'm willing to take a couple steps back and let things take its course. so for right now we are friends and thats enough for me. :)

blah...that's a lot of sharing. lol

men are confusing but i love them.

have you ever?

have you ever just sat and listened to music and every song that played just so happened to remind you of something that you can't and probaly will never have?

that has been happening to me lately. i even updated my ipod with new songs that had little or nothing to do with love. and its like my mind will be completly clear then i will hear a song that brings back memories rushing into my mind. and immeadiatley following that is a reminder that those are only memories and will never be more than that. sucks.

even though in an earlier blog i had said that i didn't want to be involved in a relationship until after i had reached several milestones, i lied. well i guess i didn't really lie, i just changed my mind slightly. i would love to meet someone that i could get to know on a friendship level, but someone who has the potential to be more. i just don't want the confusion of a relationship right now, but i do want someone to spend time with and get to know better. make sense? hmmph. it just seems like everyone that i was involved with is now wifed up...which sucks because i start to feel lonely when i think about the possilbity that they could have been with me. but i know that things happen for a reason so i'm not letting it get to me too much. i guess being single for almost 2 years (1 year & 7months to be exact) is starting to affect me on a mental and emotional level. it affects me phsyically too but not as much because i am sticking to my celibacy vow...i just miss the kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands...everything but the sex.

i guess i will use this time to really make sure that i've found myself that way when i do meet someone i won't be persuaded into being something i'm not. i mean i know who i am, but i have a tendency to lose myself when relationships get serious. i guess i just want someone to spend my time with right now, i like the "getting to know you" phase...it's fun and exciting. and for the first time in a long time i'm not talking to anyone...can you believe it...i have no love interest, i don't even have a crush on anyone right now. freakn A!

it's funny how things happen..

ok, so i'm a little confused right now. so this dude who shall remain nameless, is such a confused peice of work. i was on his myspace last night and his status was "married" and he had up a new pic of him and someone else who shall remain nameless...then he had this blog up that was titled "love". so i was like oh thats cute, he's finally admitting that he has a girlfriend, now he will leave me alone. well wasn't i mistaken...lol. so today, i get notified on the little myspace thing that he changed his profile again, so of course i go and peep it...and its showing that his status is changed back to "single", his default pic is changed, and he altered the blog titled "love" to "treat her right". so in his new blog he changed around the words a little bit and added some other thoughts. i don't know, it's like he loves this other chick yet he still tries to fuck with me. it's so annoying, i've gotten to the point where i simply ignore his advances. it appears to me that this other chick got tired of his games as well, so it's like he loses both. now he gets to start back at square one. love is tricky, and i think that when it comes down to it, you have to be ready and willing to compromise and accept the other person and their faults. but at the same time you have to be smart enough and strong enough to NOT accept the bullshit. i've only been in love one time in my short 22 years of life and it was the hardest 3 years of my life, luckily i learned from it. and now going through this experience i've learned that people will bring you along for the ride and drop you off in unknown territory for you to fend for yourself. that is why i am only opening my heart to the special people, the people who really deserve to know me. i am a complicated person, but i'm also a breath of fresh air once you get in...but most lames don't see that, it's only the real men who get that side of me. i'm happy that the other chick saw what i saw a long time ago, and i'm happy that she's now focusing on her. i just hope that this dude grows up and fast before he loses another chance at love.

relationships definatley teach you lifelong lessons, sometimes they even feel like they are breaking you, but they are really making you stronger. every realatioship that i've dealt with both serious and non-serious have taught me SO many lessons and i've become a much stronger person because of it.

so hopefully people love right the first time, so they can save themseleves from the heartbreak.

why do boys like to play games?

oh boy, i can see some trouble on the horizon coming my way.

don't you just hate when theres that one guy who just never seems to go away? as much as i love this dude, he is nothing but trouble. he seems to come in and out of my life just when he needs me the most. its hard because we were never in a "real" relationship, but it was a relationship...he was the first guy that i dated after me and mk split. and its like this love/hate type of thing. i've always given him everything that he wanted and i'm always there for him, but he's just not the guy that i should be wasting time on. we always go back and forth...like he always gets mad at me for no reason then he will turn around and want to be my friend again.

he's so confusing.

so recently he has been hitting me up like non stop and i know for a fact that he is going through some gf drama...so i can't help but feel like he is hitting me up on some rebound shit. how stupid do i look? i don't know man, like i have so much love for him but i just don't have the patience to put up with his games.

well at least i can honestly say that i am 100% over him and i will never fall for any of his games again.

single again?

ahh another love post. sorry its on my mind, can't help it.

so after i the incident that happened today with that guy and his lies. i just thought about how lucky and happy that girl is to have him. even though he is a liar and a lil player..i know she is happy. i was looking at the pictures that she put up of them and i almost cried..like my heart literally dropped. i found it odd that hours before he was hitting me up trying to get back in my world. i hate how when you fall for someone, something always comes along and fucks it up...well maybe that just happens to me..i dunno.

i just remember the first time i met him, i had this feeling like i knew he was going to be a constant figure in my life. we just clicked. things just went so smoothly, even when we had arguments we still were able to kiss and make up. even though its only been a year and 3 months since we started talking, my feelings grew so much over time. i still have love for him in my heart. its weird because last year i was talking to a few guys, but this guy was at the top of the list always..he always got my full attention and i pretty much dropped the other dudes like flies..but i kept him close. he just has something that draws me to him. he's like a drug, i knw its bad but i can't help but have it. he makes me smile and laugh..and he gives the best hugs in the world. he listens to me and helps me when i need advice. hes actually a good friend. he knows how i feel about him and i know how he feels about me, but i can't help but hate the fact that he lies so much to the people that care for him the most. its okay i guess i will find someone new to obsess over soon enough.

i just hate the void in my heart that i have. theres nothing like being in love with another human being. and living the single life is great, but it gets old. once you've been in love and been in a long relationship you understand how precious it is. even though i am done with the whole online dating thing, i can say that it works if you want to find someone who is only out for that quick fix.

i am not your traditional girl, but i like traditional things. i don't mind asking a guy out, i've done it before..i don't mind being the first to call and paying for a night out. but every now and then i do enjoy being wined and dined but i guess it will come with time. whenever i feel like this one song replays in my head over and over again and that's india arie's song "ready for love". it's a beautiful song, the lyrics are exactly what my heart feels. i have been in love before, but lost it..and now i'm ready to find it again. i just don't know where to go and i hate when people say that you meet someone when you least expect it...it may be true for some but i haven't actively looked for a man in months and i'm still single.

honestly i think it's because of the misinterpretation that men have on black women. black women get such a bad rap. and i don't understand why, because everyone is different. we are not all the same. i think i'm going to continue this in the next blog.....see you there

aww the joys of NOT being in love..

ok so i lied..there isn't really a joy that comes with not being in love. i have been single for almost 2 years, wow freaking crazy. of course i have dated in between, but no one has come close to stealing my heart away. at first i was content with being single because i felt like i needed to regain my independence. i was in a long relationship..3 years to be exact and it was quite the roller coaster ride. but after it was done i felt relieved, like i had been locked up for years and finally got a key to freedom. i also was excited because i would finally get the chance to actually live the life of a young 20 something. but now that i have partied for the last couple years and my 23rd birthday is fastly approaching i am starting to feel super lonely. and i hate that feeling. i start throwing myself at guys that i know don't want me but i still do it because of the attention. i find myself reminiscing about my past relationship, i even called my ex to try to rebuild a friendship. crazy i know.

i am SO ready for love, why is it hiding from me??? i love that song by india arie, it's like she is speaking the words that are deep in my soul.

now that i have matured into the cool, chic 22 year old that i am today i know exactly what i want. i have it down from the style to the laugh. i am done with accepting the unneccessary disrespect that i allowed myself to receive. i am done letting men have their way with me just because i want their attention. i am too good for that.

hmm i wonder if this is too much to ask?

height: 6ft or taller
weight: don't care about numbers. just be healthy, stocky not skinny (whaat, a girl likes a lil meat on them bones too)
ethnicity: preferably black, but i don't care..love comes in different flavors.
hair: i love a man with locks (of course the well kept ones, not into the whole rasta look), but if you don't have them it's okay..just have some hair..not into baldys.
style: a mix between justin timberlake, will smith, and jay z.
personality: since i am outgoing and spunky i want someone who is shy but not quite, energetic, spontaneous, a natural communitcator, charasmatic, and sincere. oh yea i almost forgot he has to have a love for art and have a good sense of humor.
career: since i am totally into art and more creative channels, i would love for my future boyfriend to work within the creative art industry..whether it be as an artist or a journalist..it doesn't matter just as long as its not your typical corporate bull-ish.

so all in all i don't think that's too much to ask for. i have faith that i will find this man, i know he's out there somewhere.

i just can't wait to be in love again. i miss the feeling. i forgot what it feels like to actually be in love and have someone in love with you. its so weird how that feeling just disappears from your life without warning. i remember the first time i realized i wasn't in love anymore with my ex. it was the weirdest thing. seriously. i sat down for hours trying to force myself to feel that spark again, but i couldn't. all i could do was say " oh my gosh i don't love him anymore" and it felt weird coming out my mouth..but it was the truth.

i just hate the thought that i may never find that love that i'm looking for. so i try to always keep focused and believe whole heartedly that he will find me. i need him so badly right now. i miss cuddling at night. i miss kissing. i haven't been kissed in SO long and that's not an understatement. i think i may have forgotten how to kiss. wow, i can't believe i just admitted that. i miss going on dates. true story i have never been asked out on a "real" date. usually things just end up heading straight for the bedroom. but i don't get down like that, so those who try always leave with a case of the blue balls. i miss everything about being in love and having a boyfriend.

one day in the near future i will be updating this to say that i found him. but until then, i will continue to share my stories.

ok this is super long now.
i digress.

oh yea check me out on youtube.
www.youtube.com/a1day1n1the1life