family life

family is very important to me. but i can't help but wonder why mine is so distant. i can't help but feel bad about my relationship with my family. i love my family to death and i wouldn't change them for the world. i just think that there is a lot of tension between all of us due to the drama that happened last year. and since i have moved back in with my mom and 2 brothers, things have become stressful for me. everyone is always on my back and in my business. then they get mad at me when i say or do something out of anger. its annoying. example, so i just returned from a camping trip so i was washing my clothes and whatnot. well my brother walks the dryer and takes me wet clothes out and puts his clothes in to dry. so i ask him why he did that and he says " i need work clothes, you don't have nothing to do all day" so i'm like wtf..how can you take it upon yourself to tell me what i have to do during the day, granted i probaly will be at home..but still don't be assuming shit. so out of anger i said "fuck you". harsh, i know. but i was mad at the fact that he took my wet clothes out the dryer to put his in...and when i came home his clothes were just sitting in the washer because he started washing but didnt finish..so i took his clothes and put them in the dryer and started washing, then he came in and put another load in the washer and left his clothes in the dryer while he was gone for several hours. i was courteous enough to allow his clothes to finish drying and then removed them after they were done. *sigh*

i just get so annoyed sometimes. and i wouldn't have said fuck you..but he caught me at a bad time..i was mad because i was checking on something only to find out that it was cancelled without my approval so i'm like screwed and i was angry at that. then he came in and did something that just irratated me even more. then he was like i'm telling mommy what you said..so he proceeds to write a note and leave it for her to read in the morning..so that will cause more drama for me because my mom is on vacation this week, which means she will be at home every freakin day...and when i get up i'm pretty sure she will yell at me and tell me how disrespectful i am again. i'm prepared for it this time. exciting.

but the point of this blog is basically to express my disgust for my situation. i hate that my family doesn't get along like other people i observe. we fuss and fight, but we have our good times too. i just don't want to have that feeling of us not appreciating one another. i love my entire family but i think the only reason why my attitude is coming back is because i'm living at home again and i am constantly being criticized for the way i live my life. and since i don't have anyone that i can talk to about my issues, i hold it in and explode when given the chance. i just wish we didn't argue so much and i wish we got along a lot better. i think another reason is money, i know its hard on my mom but her stress trickles down to everyone else and it just makes the situation that much worse.

i remember when i was younger, i was even more misunderstood than i am now. my parents wanted to put me up for adoption because i had the worst attitude, but it was because i was depressed and didn't know how to control my emotions. i never got along with anyone and i was always misreble, but once i moved out the house and lived on my own the relationships with my family got stronger. we actually got along. so i'm assuming with all the stress and issues we are already dealing with, when you top that off with me not having my privacy things just get hectic.

another thing i really hate is when my family criticizes everything that i do. i came home today and immeadiatley my brother starts off with "you are pathetic, you are always on the computer and then you go and lay down and watch tv, you are so lazy". and i'm like wtf i just got home like 30min ago and i was gone for a whole day and a half. he is like the main one who talks about me. he will straigt up walk to me and tell me he doesn't like me and that he's tired of looking at me. then he will top it off with "you are a waste of a life". how hurtful is that??? but he doesn't care what he says to me.

the thing i don't understand is why he feels like he can talk about me like i have done nothing but sit on my ass for the last 22 years of my life. hello?!? i just quit my freakin corporate job that i had for 3 years this february. then i started school. and i just moved back home after being on my own for 6 years. shit my life has not been peaches and cream, but i damn sure aint no lazy ass.

things are hard right now. but i'm doing the best i can. i might not be working now, but that was all by choice. now that i want to work, i can't find a decent job. i mean i work here and there, but nothing substancial and permanant. yes its true that i am at home most of the time, yes its true that i spend a lot of time on the computer..so what, it entertains me..and i'm actually doing things that are productive online, yes its true that i watch movies a good chunk of the day, but hell i LOVE movies..i can't help it..um earth to my brother, i'm a FILM MAJOR idiot. i don't know i just get annoyed and a person can only take so much of being told that they are lazy, a wasted life, and stupid. its like everything i do, is wrong. ok now this is turning into a rant..plus i know nobody will read this far because this thing is already hella long.

i just don't think people understand how difficult my life is right now. i made a complete change. i went from ms independent to living with my mom again and depending on other people. its hard to cope with. but the funny thing is, my family don't help me with shit. when i had cell phone issues, i asked for help did i get it...nope. when i had issues paying my tuition so that i could return to school did i get it, nope. everything that i do is wrong to these people. but they don't know how much is on my shoulders right now. its hard being broke and trying as hard as you can to find a job. and feeling extremly lonely because you have no one to talk to. and when you have no support at all, everyone just tells you how dumb you are. whatever i digress.

i'm done with this one...........don't want to go all up in my business since i really don't know who's reading this.

moral of the story: i love my family, but i need to find a way to show it.