the best day ever

the excitement is rising! i got the best news yesterday morning and i've been happy ever since. now since it's still not official i'm not going to announce it...but i'm so happy. i feel things shifting, and i finally feel like i've gotten another chance..yay me!

ran-dumb-ness

so its 4:10am and i'm still not sleep.

argh! i feel another bout of insomnia coming on. i need for this thing i'm waiting on to come through. i'm praying that i get it, i feel like it's mine already. i hope i find out later today, if not then on tuesday. i need some good news in my world, something to keep the motivation going.

so the olympics came to an end last night. so sad. now i'm like trying to figure out what i want to watch on the tube. it's weird how as i get older i stop watching tv. there is really nothing substantial on nowadays. the only days that i really watch tv are the days when my fave shows are on and i literally only watch tv for the hour they are on and then i am back on the computer or off doing other things. but when the olympics was on i was up every night watching like every event...so now i'm stuck in that mode and i want so badly to watch tv but there ain't nothing good on. wth man.

i know fall is coming because its starting to get lighter outside after 5am. :(

so starting next scratch that this sunday i'm going back to church. i have mixed feelings on this and will probaly do a separate blog on the topic. now i love the Lord and i believe in God, but its just the idea of church that drives me insane. i like the principal of it but its just that so much hypocritcizm (is that even a word?) and gossip goes on that it turns me off. but my mom and brother have talked the church up so i figure i'll give it a shot.

i'm still doing good on my abstinate stance. i don't know what the correct term is abstinence or celibacy, but in any case i'm still doing great. yay for no sex! lol. for reals, i cannot believe how taboo HIV/AIDS is in the black community, yet it is the #1 killer in black women between 25-30...freaking crazy. i'm just trying to mind my p's and q's and stay on top of my shit. if i'm going to have sex please believe its condom or no pussy okkkkkaaaaaaay!

ok its now 4:30am.
nite nite or shall i say good mornig. hehe

men..enough said.

men are so freaking confusing!

true story.
so i was online last night and i got a message from my friend. now we had a IM conversation earlier last week about an issue that he was having and i told him that i would try to help him because i do care about him and i consider him a friend so it was no biggie. well anyways, we were chatting on Yahoo IM about his current situation and he had told me that he was depressed so i tried to give him some positive words of encourgement. well as we were chatting about his situation, he randomly made a comment about how he missed me. (a little background, me and this guy have been close for about a year and some change, he was the first dude that i sorta dated after me and my ex broke up). i was thrown off by this because i thought that he had a girlfriend, i mean according to his myspace he was in love and happy. so for him to miss me made me think, either he is trying to be nice because i'm going to help him or his girl ain't handling business like she should be. but anyways, after he told me that he missed me he went on to tell me how i can call him anytime and that i shouldn't be afraid to call him...it was an interesting convo. it kind of made me smile, but i dunno...i'm not trying to get caught up with him again. i'm on a new path and i'm trying to keep that relationship strickly friends.

now the other confusing man in my life is my "vegas boo"...he is a peice of work. now i've only been talking to him for about 5 or 6 months, but i like him. he makes me smile. he lives in vegas, and we were able to get some down time when i visited back in july. we have similiar personalities...well at least in the sarcastic department, guess its a libra thing. lol yes, he's a libra too. but that was what initially drew me to him, i am a very sarcastic person and usually men are thrown off by that because they assume that i am being rude or argumentative. but he was the only one who can handle it and throw it back at me. so i love it. and we have a lot of similiar interest...so we get along. he even asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend...i left it unanswered because of the distance thing...but the problem with that is that we act like we are closer than what we actually are. so a couple nights ago we were chatting on yahoo and he was telling me about this chick who is feeling him and whatnot so he like brought up the fact that he didn't like her but he had kissed her and would consider having sex with her...so i was trying to not show my feelings and be supportive since i haven't claimed him as my man...but then i told him that i was sad and would be hurt if he did do the whole fuck buddy thing with her...so he responds back telling me that if its going to hurt me he won't go through with it and then he was like she's not his type and blah blah blah...so i was like that's sweet...but not sure if he was being honest. i mean i don't care if he were to do it because i'm not down there to take care of him, not even sure when i'm going back..and we haven't confirmed our relationship so its like whatever. but i do like him, so i'm willing to take a couple steps back and let things take its course. so for right now we are friends and thats enough for me. :)

blah...that's a lot of sharing. lol

men are confusing but i love them.

kick rocks! another weekend at home...blah

blah...another night at home. i hate this, like seriously when will it be my turn to have fun. i haven't like been out hardcore in like 4 weeks, lately its like every weekend i end up going out one night or i don't go out at all. so many varibles lead up to this madness. this is like the one thing that drives me insane. i am not a homebody, i am a social outgoing person and i need to be around people. i just feel like after a long hard week its nice to be able to reward yourself with a fun filled crazy weekend. and i'm sad to say that i've not had that in so long...and it's like i'm really not going to be doing anything next weekend either...so i don't know...looks like i will be stuck at home until my birthday which is like a month away...oh wells. this is the story of my life.

one more thing, its not the fact that i'm not out with my friends having fun that is bugging me right now, its more or less the fact that i was so close and got sidetracked. i understand that family comes first, but if my mom would have told us that we were going to have to pick up my youngest brother from football practice in advance i would have been better prepared. but since she waited until we were literally walking out the door it screwed everything up. then when i asked my other brother if i could borrow his car to get to my destination all hell breaks loose. i guess it just wasn't in the stars for me to go out again.

i'm off to bed, maybe i can have a fab dream of me partying it up like i used too...

nite nite

weekend rap up

hmmph.

so this weekend was interesting. i didn't do too much as far as socializing with the locals is concerned. i decided not to go out on friday night because honestly the club scene in seattle is slightly wack...and i have better things to do than stand in a crowded room with no ventilation. saturday night i went out, it was cool...besides the fact that i was sweating like a freaking hog. why is it that these establishments refuse to turn on the air conditioner when they know its 90 degrees outside and they are damn near at the fire code limit?!? blows my mind. nonetheless, i still had lots of fun. i was supposed to go to a bbq today, but i had something else come up so i decided not to go.

i went to this new restaurant...famous daves. it was pretty good. our waiter was super hyper...lol i swear he like popped a pill or something before he came to work.

blah.

today was cool.

next weekend i'm supposed to go out for my friends bday. then after that i think i'm taking a break until my birthday.

have you ever?

have you ever just sat and listened to music and every song that played just so happened to remind you of something that you can't and probaly will never have?

that has been happening to me lately. i even updated my ipod with new songs that had little or nothing to do with love. and its like my mind will be completly clear then i will hear a song that brings back memories rushing into my mind. and immeadiatley following that is a reminder that those are only memories and will never be more than that. sucks.

even though in an earlier blog i had said that i didn't want to be involved in a relationship until after i had reached several milestones, i lied. well i guess i didn't really lie, i just changed my mind slightly. i would love to meet someone that i could get to know on a friendship level, but someone who has the potential to be more. i just don't want the confusion of a relationship right now, but i do want someone to spend time with and get to know better. make sense? hmmph. it just seems like everyone that i was involved with is now wifed up...which sucks because i start to feel lonely when i think about the possilbity that they could have been with me. but i know that things happen for a reason so i'm not letting it get to me too much. i guess being single for almost 2 years (1 year & 7months to be exact) is starting to affect me on a mental and emotional level. it affects me phsyically too but not as much because i am sticking to my celibacy vow...i just miss the kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands...everything but the sex.

i guess i will use this time to really make sure that i've found myself that way when i do meet someone i won't be persuaded into being something i'm not. i mean i know who i am, but i have a tendency to lose myself when relationships get serious. i guess i just want someone to spend my time with right now, i like the "getting to know you" phase...it's fun and exciting. and for the first time in a long time i'm not talking to anyone...can you believe it...i have no love interest, i don't even have a crush on anyone right now. freakn A!

what happened to trust and secrets?

so i just got done posting a blog on my myspace, but i had to do some of it in french, because i didn't want certain people to read it...anyways. so i have another pet peeve!!! and the crowd roars....yayayyayayaaaay! lol

so over the weekend, i was approached by someone regarding some information that i had told a friend of mine. it was weird because i didn't tell anyone but this one person so i knew that the only way that this other person knew about it was because my friend told. don't you just hate when you confide in someone and they run and tell other people your business?!? that pisses me off. so i have decided that i'm not sharing my personal life with anyone in particular...everyone will find out shit at the same time. i don't like people discussing my business without me, there is just something so fake about that whole situation.

what ever happened to trust? i just feel like i can't share anything with anyone anymore...that's why i blog/vlog because i don't trust anybody...so if anyone is going to put my business in the streets it will be me. sometimes i just want to be sure that if i tell someone something that they actually keep their mouth shut or at least ask me before they go blabbing my business to the ears on the street!

whew! i feel so much better now, so the rant is done.

today was great, and i must say i'm loving the change. life is just making me smile lately. although i have a lot of rejection and down falls, i can't help but smile everyday that i wake up. i was going to make another blog but i think i'll just combine it...two sepatate topics, but whatever.

so after hearing about the passing of bernie mac and issac hayes this weekend it reminded me again just how short life really is. both of them were fairly young and probaly were not expecting to meet the maker anytime soon. it made me think of all the things that i have planned for myself...will i ever see them through? who knows, but what i do know is that everyday i want to accomplish something. i want to learn something, i want to experience something, i want to do something...i don't want to waste a moment. and i don't want to spend it talking to fake friends or just fake people in general...life is too short to waste time dealing with stuff like that. i am going to continue to NOT complain about anything...i'm just going to continue to push forward and make my life happen!

freaking friends...yea right...lol so comical!

lol...people crack me up with their fakeness.

true story...so i'm getting ready for a fun filled saturday night, but of course since i don't really have dependable transportation for the time being i have to consider peoples feelings when i ask for rides and whatnot. so i'm all dressed, hair and makeup done ready to go, when i get a phone call...during this conversation the person on the other end who is supposed to be my "bff" (not sure about all of that, but whateva) is like rushing me and giving me this lil attitude. i was constantly telling her that i had no idea when i would be on my way because i had to wait on my dad to get his stuff together before we left...now please keep in mind that it is only 7:45ish at this time...so shes telling me how shes getting impatient, so i told her that if she didnt feel like waiting to just leave, since she was acting like she was going to miss out on something if she didnt leave right that second. and then the next words she said to me kinda sealed the deal for me...she says to me "well have fun sitting at home" and then she hangs up. now at first i was kinda shocked because i didn't expect my so called best friend to do some scandalous shit like that...and then two seconds later tears started falling out my eyes because i realized how little she really cared, and it hurt my feelings. after crying for like 5 minutes i was over it...i'm like whatever trick.

moral of the story.
don't treat your closest friend like crap just because you want to go run behind other people. watch what you say to people because you never know how they will consume those words.

seriously i probaly would have been at her house within 30 mins of that convo, but she was so impatient that it wouldn't have mattered. but i learn from situations like these... and that my friends is why i don't ask people for help and i don't ask people for anything else because they always flip on you and show their true colors. i just hope that it was all worth it because my feelings were most defenitley hurt and over a few minutes of time that she could have waited. if it were me, i would have waited for her and just met up with the others. its still early, things would have evened out. and i would have never said to her "have fun sitting at home". that was just low down. but i guess i value my friendships a lil more than she does.

now i remember why i always say i don't have friends...lmao...

i just think that it's important to treat people with kindness no matter what because today could be my last day on earth and the last words she would have said to me would have been rude and inconsiderate. then she would have felt bad because all she had to do was wait a lil more...but she couldn't do that. life is too short for some BS like that...blah

oh well...you live and you learn.

it's funny how things happen..

ok, so i'm a little confused right now. so this dude who shall remain nameless, is such a confused peice of work. i was on his myspace last night and his status was "married" and he had up a new pic of him and someone else who shall remain nameless...then he had this blog up that was titled "love". so i was like oh thats cute, he's finally admitting that he has a girlfriend, now he will leave me alone. well wasn't i mistaken...lol. so today, i get notified on the little myspace thing that he changed his profile again, so of course i go and peep it...and its showing that his status is changed back to "single", his default pic is changed, and he altered the blog titled "love" to "treat her right". so in his new blog he changed around the words a little bit and added some other thoughts. i don't know, it's like he loves this other chick yet he still tries to fuck with me. it's so annoying, i've gotten to the point where i simply ignore his advances. it appears to me that this other chick got tired of his games as well, so it's like he loses both. now he gets to start back at square one. love is tricky, and i think that when it comes down to it, you have to be ready and willing to compromise and accept the other person and their faults. but at the same time you have to be smart enough and strong enough to NOT accept the bullshit. i've only been in love one time in my short 22 years of life and it was the hardest 3 years of my life, luckily i learned from it. and now going through this experience i've learned that people will bring you along for the ride and drop you off in unknown territory for you to fend for yourself. that is why i am only opening my heart to the special people, the people who really deserve to know me. i am a complicated person, but i'm also a breath of fresh air once you get in...but most lames don't see that, it's only the real men who get that side of me. i'm happy that the other chick saw what i saw a long time ago, and i'm happy that she's now focusing on her. i just hope that this dude grows up and fast before he loses another chance at love.

relationships definatley teach you lifelong lessons, sometimes they even feel like they are breaking you, but they are really making you stronger. every realatioship that i've dealt with both serious and non-serious have taught me SO many lessons and i've become a much stronger person because of it.

so hopefully people love right the first time, so they can save themseleves from the heartbreak.

why do boys like to play games?

oh boy, i can see some trouble on the horizon coming my way.

don't you just hate when theres that one guy who just never seems to go away? as much as i love this dude, he is nothing but trouble. he seems to come in and out of my life just when he needs me the most. its hard because we were never in a "real" relationship, but it was a relationship...he was the first guy that i dated after me and mk split. and its like this love/hate type of thing. i've always given him everything that he wanted and i'm always there for him, but he's just not the guy that i should be wasting time on. we always go back and forth...like he always gets mad at me for no reason then he will turn around and want to be my friend again.

he's so confusing.

so recently he has been hitting me up like non stop and i know for a fact that he is going through some gf drama...so i can't help but feel like he is hitting me up on some rebound shit. how stupid do i look? i don't know man, like i have so much love for him but i just don't have the patience to put up with his games.

well at least i can honestly say that i am 100% over him and i will never fall for any of his games again.

what a weekend!

woohoo! okay so the weekend is winding down, and i must say that it has been a great one. although we went to the same place twice, it was still fun. i love birthdays and i was happy that i am able to celebrate a birthday with my friends. its great, i believe there is one more birthday before mine, but i may be mistaken. i want my bday to be an event...but we will see how that goes. shit i still have 2 months (roughly) to get into shape. i'm trying to be hella bomb on my 23rd. lol, i'm cute now, but i want to be a dime...i'm like a 7.5, so i need to step my game up...okaaaaay! so the weekend was great, i loved it. now i'm looking forward to the coming week, i have a few interviews...yay for that. i'm always game for making more money, ya dig. no complaining there. so that makes me smile, i don't know but i have a phone interview on monday, lol it was orginaly scheduled for last monday but when the lady called i heard it, but i didn't like wake up to answer it...so she rescheduled. so i'm sure i will nail one of those jobs...

i'm so sleepy and slightly intoxicated. but i'm not drunk, birthday boy on the other hand...he was real juiced...lol he tried to race the car..i love steven, but he cracks me up when he's drunk...its great. i love my friends, they really are the best, all of them are fun and have a certain quality about them. they are like mini celebrities...its great.

real sleepy, but i feel like i have stuff to say.

i wanted to dance tonight because i wore the right shoes, but i didn't have a dancing partner.

grrr, this boy is so dumb, he makes me mad and he's uber confusing...one minute he's mad at me and telling me i'm on his enemy list and the next day he's trying to be nice to me. damn i miss him though, he's like the first guy that i actually dated hardcore right after me and michael split.

so tonite made me realize how much i actual do wish i had a boo. like i don't want to commit to anyone right now, but i wouldn't mind having an option, ya know. like having someone that i'm talking to...but not with. not a booty call, but just a boo. i don't want a man until my life is at a stable point and i'm somewhat working in my career, but i want to be like dating someone who practically would be my man, just not confirmed type of thing....its confusing but i know what i want...its just hard to find it. like when i go out i get hit on by every guy but the one that i want...like tonight i got hit on by an asian guy, he was cute, but not my type and the night before i got hit on by this white dude...he bought me a drink but he was mos def not for me. oh wells, in time.

ok i'm outro...i'm literally falling asleep at the keys.

TMI..sorry.

ok this may be a little TMI, but this celibacy thing is mad crazy. everytime i decide to not have sex, i always hit like the 2 month mark and lose my damn mind. like i start seriously feening and having mad sexually explict dreams...lol. but i'm very strong minded, so i know i can do it. i've went half a year without it before so i know i can do this. i'm just not trying to be a statistic ya know...i'd rather not have sex than catch some random uncurable diesease. plus i'm trying to keep my number down...i ain't trying to run up the milege on my luxury vehicle...wink wink.

haha im outro

its the weekend!

i'm so excited it's Friday! and it's a new month, its August already...hawt damn. this year has literally flew by. it feels like it just started but its already more than half way over. i can't help but notice how fast time is flying. but in any case i'm just happy that it's the weekend, i'm really looking forward to this weekend. i'm hoping that it lives up to my expectations because i would be super upset if i ended up having a crappy weekend since i'm all full of energy. i'm looking forward to later today...i'm going up to the mountain again to do some hiking and then its to the mall to meet up with my sister from another mother, and then hopefully we are going out at night. then saturday is my friends bday and i believe there is going to be a little party in his honor, so that should be exciting. sundays are my recovery days, so i have nothing planned. i just feel like getting dressed up and pretty and going out and having a grand ol time. i feel like a total alchy because i'm like wanting to get drunk...how sad is that. like i just want to be faded all weekend...lol i know i know that sounds horrible.

well happy freaking friday!