it's funny how things happen..

ok, so i'm a little confused right now. so this dude who shall remain nameless, is such a confused peice of work. i was on his myspace last night and his status was "married" and he had up a new pic of him and someone else who shall remain nameless...then he had this blog up that was titled "love". so i was like oh thats cute, he's finally admitting that he has a girlfriend, now he will leave me alone. well wasn't i mistaken...lol. so today, i get notified on the little myspace thing that he changed his profile again, so of course i go and peep it...and its showing that his status is changed back to "single", his default pic is changed, and he altered the blog titled "love" to "treat her right". so in his new blog he changed around the words a little bit and added some other thoughts. i don't know, it's like he loves this other chick yet he still tries to fuck with me. it's so annoying, i've gotten to the point where i simply ignore his advances. it appears to me that this other chick got tired of his games as well, so it's like he loses both. now he gets to start back at square one. love is tricky, and i think that when it comes down to it, you have to be ready and willing to compromise and accept the other person and their faults. but at the same time you have to be smart enough and strong enough to NOT accept the bullshit. i've only been in love one time in my short 22 years of life and it was the hardest 3 years of my life, luckily i learned from it. and now going through this experience i've learned that people will bring you along for the ride and drop you off in unknown territory for you to fend for yourself. that is why i am only opening my heart to the special people, the people who really deserve to know me. i am a complicated person, but i'm also a breath of fresh air once you get in...but most lames don't see that, it's only the real men who get that side of me. i'm happy that the other chick saw what i saw a long time ago, and i'm happy that she's now focusing on her. i just hope that this dude grows up and fast before he loses another chance at love.

relationships definatley teach you lifelong lessons, sometimes they even feel like they are breaking you, but they are really making you stronger. every realatioship that i've dealt with both serious and non-serious have taught me SO many lessons and i've become a much stronger person because of it.

so hopefully people love right the first time, so they can save themseleves from the heartbreak.

why do boys like to play games?

oh boy, i can see some trouble on the horizon coming my way.

don't you just hate when theres that one guy who just never seems to go away? as much as i love this dude, he is nothing but trouble. he seems to come in and out of my life just when he needs me the most. its hard because we were never in a "real" relationship, but it was a relationship...he was the first guy that i dated after me and mk split. and its like this love/hate type of thing. i've always given him everything that he wanted and i'm always there for him, but he's just not the guy that i should be wasting time on. we always go back and forth...like he always gets mad at me for no reason then he will turn around and want to be my friend again.

he's so confusing.

so recently he has been hitting me up like non stop and i know for a fact that he is going through some gf drama...so i can't help but feel like he is hitting me up on some rebound shit. how stupid do i look? i don't know man, like i have so much love for him but i just don't have the patience to put up with his games.

well at least i can honestly say that i am 100% over him and i will never fall for any of his games again.

what a weekend!

woohoo! okay so the weekend is winding down, and i must say that it has been a great one. although we went to the same place twice, it was still fun. i love birthdays and i was happy that i am able to celebrate a birthday with my friends. its great, i believe there is one more birthday before mine, but i may be mistaken. i want my bday to be an event...but we will see how that goes. shit i still have 2 months (roughly) to get into shape. i'm trying to be hella bomb on my 23rd. lol, i'm cute now, but i want to be a dime...i'm like a 7.5, so i need to step my game up...okaaaaay! so the weekend was great, i loved it. now i'm looking forward to the coming week, i have a few interviews...yay for that. i'm always game for making more money, ya dig. no complaining there. so that makes me smile, i don't know but i have a phone interview on monday, lol it was orginaly scheduled for last monday but when the lady called i heard it, but i didn't like wake up to answer it...so she rescheduled. so i'm sure i will nail one of those jobs...

i'm so sleepy and slightly intoxicated. but i'm not drunk, birthday boy on the other hand...he was real juiced...lol he tried to race the car..i love steven, but he cracks me up when he's drunk...its great. i love my friends, they really are the best, all of them are fun and have a certain quality about them. they are like mini celebrities...its great.

real sleepy, but i feel like i have stuff to say.

i wanted to dance tonight because i wore the right shoes, but i didn't have a dancing partner.

grrr, this boy is so dumb, he makes me mad and he's uber confusing...one minute he's mad at me and telling me i'm on his enemy list and the next day he's trying to be nice to me. damn i miss him though, he's like the first guy that i actually dated hardcore right after me and michael split.

so tonite made me realize how much i actual do wish i had a boo. like i don't want to commit to anyone right now, but i wouldn't mind having an option, ya know. like having someone that i'm talking to...but not with. not a booty call, but just a boo. i don't want a man until my life is at a stable point and i'm somewhat working in my career, but i want to be like dating someone who practically would be my man, just not confirmed type of thing....its confusing but i know what i want...its just hard to find it. like when i go out i get hit on by every guy but the one that i want...like tonight i got hit on by an asian guy, he was cute, but not my type and the night before i got hit on by this white dude...he bought me a drink but he was mos def not for me. oh wells, in time.

ok i'm outro...i'm literally falling asleep at the keys.

TMI..sorry.

ok this may be a little TMI, but this celibacy thing is mad crazy. everytime i decide to not have sex, i always hit like the 2 month mark and lose my damn mind. like i start seriously feening and having mad sexually explict dreams...lol. but i'm very strong minded, so i know i can do it. i've went half a year without it before so i know i can do this. i'm just not trying to be a statistic ya know...i'd rather not have sex than catch some random uncurable diesease. plus i'm trying to keep my number down...i ain't trying to run up the milege on my luxury vehicle...wink wink.

haha im outro

its the weekend!

i'm so excited it's Friday! and it's a new month, its August already...hawt damn. this year has literally flew by. it feels like it just started but its already more than half way over. i can't help but notice how fast time is flying. but in any case i'm just happy that it's the weekend, i'm really looking forward to this weekend. i'm hoping that it lives up to my expectations because i would be super upset if i ended up having a crappy weekend since i'm all full of energy. i'm looking forward to later today...i'm going up to the mountain again to do some hiking and then its to the mall to meet up with my sister from another mother, and then hopefully we are going out at night. then saturday is my friends bday and i believe there is going to be a little party in his honor, so that should be exciting. sundays are my recovery days, so i have nothing planned. i just feel like getting dressed up and pretty and going out and having a grand ol time. i feel like a total alchy because i'm like wanting to get drunk...how sad is that. like i just want to be faded all weekend...lol i know i know that sounds horrible.

well happy freaking friday!

It's Time To Get Into Shape!

so i just got done watching a very touching video on Youtube, i'll put the link down at the bottom.

so if you have read my earlier blogs then you know that i am struggling to overcome an eating disorder, so i have always gone back and forth when it comes to my weight but regardless of the struggle i have always maintained a healthy outlook on life. earlier this year i joined a gym with the hopes that i would be able to shed some pounds and hightale my butt back into shape. well with everything else in my world i started and stopped. but i can't help but feel like i need to not give up on this. i know that i need to lose weight and get back into the healthly range. it's hard because sometimes i get embarrased and discouraged. or i simply start feeling comfortable with myself and i settle back into my old habits. and like the saying goes, "old habits die hard" so its always tough to break away from them. but after watching this video and having a bit of words from the family i am taking a stand today to become healthy and i won't stop until i reach my goal.

i am fully aware that heart disease runs in my family and i know that the weight i'm at right now is not healthy and could put me in an early grave. i love living and i want to be here to enjoy life to the fullest.

so i am going to slowly start changing my eating habits, and i know its going to be hard with my bulemia and all, but i have to do it in order to save my life. i may not look huge, but i am overweight and i know i am. i want to be healthy and fit. although i am in shape for my size, i need to get this extra weight off my heart. my new plan is to slowly return to my old vegatarian ways. i am going to nix beef and pork out of my diet. and i am going to slowly get rid of chicken and fish. i am not calling this a diet because diets don't work, this is a lifestyle change...something that will be a foreever thing. starting today, fruits and veggies are my new best friend. whenever i go out to eat at restaurants i am going to stick with soups and salads. i am going to make sure that at home i am eating a salad with a light dressing every night. i also want to make a valid attempt to run/jog every morning. i really want to live the lifestyle of a jogger, they always seem so happy when they are running. i'm excited for this change. although this isn't anything new to my life, its more of a continuation of my pre-Vegas planning.

i am doing this for me and no one else. i need to get healthy for me!

Black people are SO unhealthy as a whole and I do not want to be a statistic.

so my goal is to go from my current weight to 150. its a big jump but i know i can do it! i lost 40 pounds so i know i can do the rest.

i am going to do my best to do a weekly blog updating everyone on my success. so if you are reading this please pray for me and wish me luck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqsbY25rSIQ

i'm just a party girl

oh my gosh, am I an alcoholic or what?? so earlier today i was browsing a drink menu and had the strongest craving for a few cocktails. i think i'm just ready to get my party on man. throughout the week i build up so much energy and by thursday i'm crunk and ready to drink and socialize. i just hope this weekend is fun and allows me to release this energy.

i don't know i used to tell people i was a party girl because i was. i was always out every weekend at the club or just on the scene period. but then i took a lil break and stopped going out as much. but now i'm just like shit, i'm young and i am loving life so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm a very social and outgoing person so i love getting out there and meeting new people and taking back a couple drinks. well maybe a lil more than a couple. lol

the good thing is, i love my friends...each and every one of them...yes there are times when they make me mad and annoy the hell out of me but at the end of the day i love being able to hang out with them and be myself. i remember there was a time when i was afraid to be myself around anyone, for fear of rejection. but now i am all about people getting to know the real me. so i love sitting around the table acting silly, its fun...its the stress relief i need. i look forward to it every week.

for some reason though this week i am looking forward to it more than usual. its like deep down i know this is going to be a great weekend but i don't know why. i can just feel the happiness. its great i love it.

so bottoms up everyone!

happy thursday!

can you tell the difference?

ok, so i'm somewhat annoyed in the sense that their are some super judgemental people in this world. so i'm watching my youtube videos like i normally do, and i visit one of my faves. he is very controversial but he discusses problems in the black community and specifically within in black American women. now at first when i started watching his vids i was offended and felt like he was generalizing all black women as thug lovin, baby havin, welfare, ignorant, uneducated, weave wearing hoes. there were so many times when i wanted to call him out and tell him a little peice of my mind. but the more i listened to him the more i understood that he wasn't making a generalization...he was talking about those specific black women who carried those traits. so my anger went away and my ears and eyes opened wide. i was able to consciously observe the things that he noted in his videos and was able to make small changes in my everyday life . so i'm on his page today and i was looking at his favorites and he had this video up that was about the difference between american black women and east african black women. the video was mixture of black american women who were shakin their asses on camera and talking foul to people and the east african black women being pleasant and respectful singing love songs like little angels. and at the end of the video, the quote was can you see the difference between the two as well as the difference in music that black and african women listen too. now this wouldn't normally bother me but the only reason it did was because he only showed the negative side to black american women. now i know that there are some scandalous african women out there, he just didn't take the time to find those vids. i mean look at miss angel lola luv, she is Ethiopian, and her assets are plastered all over black men magazines. but i digress.

peep the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnBkMlPU_g0

to my friends

so i just read my horoscope and it said that i have some explaining to do, not sure what it's referring to.

but, i will say or type this...

if you know me in the real world don't take anything i say in this blog personally. this is simply an outlet for me. i am not an aggressive or confrontational person and i just happen to express myself better through writing. but please don't get it twisted, if i am pissed off at you...you will know. i am not one to talk shit behind someone's back which is why i post the web addy to this blog on my myspace. it's my uncut, unedited, raw, and honest feelings. i don't use names for a reason, but i always say if you feel like i'm talking about you, then you are probaly right. if you have a problem with it, please by all means confront me and let me know.

honestly, not a lot of drama goes down within my circle, we are all pretty much fun people just trying to live beyond our dreams. so 98% of the time the things in this blog are about my crazy life.

so i love you all. and just take it as it is, nothing more...nothing less!

rule #1 don't wake me up for no reason!

grrr.

pet peeve alert.

please don't wake up a person who has insomnia early in the morning and give them no warning that they are having to drive somewhere that is not that close to home. and then make a rude comment. and then secretly end up doing what you asked that person to do without telling that person.

okay i know that all sounds like gibberish, i'm sorry its early and my brain is not fully functioning. so fcuk you for not being able to read this. grrrrr.

long story short. i was awakened for no reason at all...and now i can't go back to sleep! what am i supposed to do now?!?

oh wells. guess i will lay back down and try to force myself back into dreamland.

i digress.