Love, Life, & Men

So my life and love have not been on the same page lately...seems like everything i touch turns to dust right before my eyes.

Mentally I am at the same place I was a couple months ago, ready for love and ready for a new adventure. Well an old flame decided to waltz back into my life and stirred up all sorts of emotions. I found myself getting quickly attached and falling hard for his mind games. I was just so happy that he came back to me after a few lonely months apart. I was so happy to find out that him and her didn't work out. Over the last couple months he has quickly made his way to the top of my priority list, catering to every need that he has. At first I thought it was a good thing, an answered prayer...I thought he was the one that I'd been waiting for. But then of course with all good things that happen to me follows a heart breaking blow to my reality.

One night in my drunken stuper (after a hard night of partying with my friends) I decided it would be a great idea to confess my love for him via text message. The next morning I just knew that I had done something stupid so I checked my messages and read what I had sent him. Oh was I embarassed. I quickly called him to apologize and explain myself and of course being the gentleman that he is, he told me not to worry about it and that it was okay. So i tried to let it go, but i couldn't help but wonder how he felt about me. So i kept pressing the issue and never really got the answer i was looking for, heck i didn't even get an answer at all.

so now i'm wondering should i stick around or just let it go...

every time i mess up he seems to punish me by ignoring me, but every time i come through for him he showers me with praise. He is full of mixed emotions and gives off confused vibes.

when it comes to him i really don't know what to do...its been almost 2yrs and i feel like we have come a long way, but we are still so far from everything we want.

hmmph

i digress

Barack Obama = CHANGE!

wow, I am so speechless right now, but I wanted to take this time to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere that i can go back and read whenever i get discouraged or feel like things are not possible. this is the most historical moment of my life, i really don't know if people feel what i'm saying. wow, i mean after years of being misunderstood and simply written off we finally have our chance to prove to america that we have a significant place in this country.

never in a million years would i have ever thought that a black man would become president, i can't believe that there is actually a black first lady and a black first family. wow, this gives me all the inspiration in the world to go after EVERY dream and goal i have. i remember when i first heard about the presidental candidates 2 years ago, i was so skeptical of obama but over the last year he has won my heart. i truly believe that he will act on his promises, his speech was excellent.

mccain's closing speech was classy, but his follwers not so much. they were disrespectful by booing and simply showing a lack of class, but his closing speech was good.

i'm so happy, and i can't express my feelings any other way...just crying and smiling. :))))

Nov. 4th *after voting*

so i just voted and it felt great! I'm kind of nervous, but excited about the results. i'm really hoping that we get the change that we so deserve, our country is at an all time low and i would love to see it make its way back to the top and be that admired place that everyone all over the globe dream of living one day.

I can't believe how historical this is, gosh i wonder what all the great civil leaders of the past would say right now. Man this is so awesome and there is so much emotion going through me right now. I never thought that I would ever see the possibilty of a black president....crazzzzzzzy. I always thought it was impossible. but this truly makes me feel like anything can happen.

right before i voted a friend sent me this video of these ignorant people at a mccain/palin rally, it proves that racism still exisit and isn't as hidden as it seems. these people were making statements calling obama a terrorist and a nigger...wth. one woman even said that obama was anti-white which didn't make a lick of sense considering that obama is half white and was even raised by his white grandmother(RIP). *sigh* it pains me to know that there are so many blind people out there who have no clue about the real world, they are like stuck in a time warp or something. this election isn't about race or gender, it is about voting in the right man (or woman) for the job.

i'm just happy that i have the oppurtunity to place my vote, because in the end it really does count...

It's no secret that I'm all for Obama/Biden, but good luck to both parties!

sibling love

so it's officially been 1 week since my little big brother left for the marines basic training. He is supposed to be back sometime in December. I can't believe its only been a week, i swear it seems like its been 2 months already. The first night he left we got a phone call from him, my mom said that all she heard was the officers in the background yelling at them and telling them what to say. He pretty much was allowed to tell us that he had made it to san deigo and that the next time we would hear from him would be in 2 weeks via a written letter. so that means that next week we should get a letter from him. i hope that he's doing okay, my brother is totally opposite from me so i know he's fine. i would seriously start crying if someone was yelling at me, i am just not agressive at all and i hate being yelled at. my brother is extremly nonchalant about everything, so i know if they are being agressive with him he won't show any emotion until he's alone. i can't imagine 3 months without seeing my brother. its weird how you never really know how much you will miss someone until they are actually gone. i mean i knew i would miss him, but i didn't think it would be that much. i find myself checking out his vids on youtube they make me laugh but then i have the sudden urge to cry. its just weird not hearing his voice or seeing his face like in front of me. goodness i'm such a girl, i am like literally tearing up as i type. so let's move on...

why is everyone iggin me?

okay, random! my views on this blog have sky-rocketed...who the hell is reading this thing and NOT leaving comments?!?

anyways, I must say that the last 3 weeks have been rather interesting as far as people and relationships go. i am kind of bothered, i mentioned it to my bestie...she told me that maybe people are just busy. but i see it as straight up bitchassness mixed in with a little fakeness. let me explain...so for the last 3 weeks i've been reaching out to people, you know saying hi, asking how they are and i have yet to receive one response. so that has me feeling like people are ignoring me and that they don't like me. now i'm not one to really give a damn whether someone likes me or not...it doesn't really matter to me because at the end of the day i'm here to please myself and God. the problem that i'm having is these people are doing for no reason as far as i'm concerned. no one has approached me and said anything to me along the lines as why they may be upset with me. it just irks me to the pit of my soul because it takes me back to my school days when i was picked on, outcasted by the black kids, teased and rejected by every person i tried to get close to. now back then i had no confidence and i hated myself...so its a little different. if this were to happen 7 years ago i would have been like everyone hates me i wanna crawl in a ball and die. but now i'm like fuck them for hating for no reason...its dumb. i'm so over this little kid shit, people are sensitive...they see some words on the computer screen take it to heart without really understanding the emotion behind it. like i tell everyone "IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME LET ME KNOW, YOU WILL NOT HURT MY DAMN FEELINGS"!

one thing that i pride myself on is calling out bullshit and right now i smell it and i'm ready to call these people out. i don't understand why people ignore and hate on me. i am too nice and too inviting to have people simply turn their back to me. i need a reason! and it's not just the people that i hang out with who are ignoring me, it seems like everyone and their mama is. it's so weird.

my favorite lil wayne lyric:
"i got summer hating on me because i'm hotter than the sun, got spring hating on me because i ain't never sprung, winter hating on me because i'm colder than y'all and i will never i will never i will never fall....i'm being hated by the seasons so fuck y'all who hating for no reason"

that describes my life right now....enough said.

the best day ever

the excitement is rising! i got the best news yesterday morning and i've been happy ever since. now since it's still not official i'm not going to announce it...but i'm so happy. i feel things shifting, and i finally feel like i've gotten another chance..yay me!

ran-dumb-ness

so its 4:10am and i'm still not sleep.

argh! i feel another bout of insomnia coming on. i need for this thing i'm waiting on to come through. i'm praying that i get it, i feel like it's mine already. i hope i find out later today, if not then on tuesday. i need some good news in my world, something to keep the motivation going.

so the olympics came to an end last night. so sad. now i'm like trying to figure out what i want to watch on the tube. it's weird how as i get older i stop watching tv. there is really nothing substantial on nowadays. the only days that i really watch tv are the days when my fave shows are on and i literally only watch tv for the hour they are on and then i am back on the computer or off doing other things. but when the olympics was on i was up every night watching like every event...so now i'm stuck in that mode and i want so badly to watch tv but there ain't nothing good on. wth man.

i know fall is coming because its starting to get lighter outside after 5am. :(

so starting next scratch that this sunday i'm going back to church. i have mixed feelings on this and will probaly do a separate blog on the topic. now i love the Lord and i believe in God, but its just the idea of church that drives me insane. i like the principal of it but its just that so much hypocritcizm (is that even a word?) and gossip goes on that it turns me off. but my mom and brother have talked the church up so i figure i'll give it a shot.

i'm still doing good on my abstinate stance. i don't know what the correct term is abstinence or celibacy, but in any case i'm still doing great. yay for no sex! lol. for reals, i cannot believe how taboo HIV/AIDS is in the black community, yet it is the #1 killer in black women between 25-30...freaking crazy. i'm just trying to mind my p's and q's and stay on top of my shit. if i'm going to have sex please believe its condom or no pussy okkkkkaaaaaaay!

ok its now 4:30am.
nite nite or shall i say good mornig. hehe

men..enough said.

men are so freaking confusing!

true story.
so i was online last night and i got a message from my friend. now we had a IM conversation earlier last week about an issue that he was having and i told him that i would try to help him because i do care about him and i consider him a friend so it was no biggie. well anyways, we were chatting on Yahoo IM about his current situation and he had told me that he was depressed so i tried to give him some positive words of encourgement. well as we were chatting about his situation, he randomly made a comment about how he missed me. (a little background, me and this guy have been close for about a year and some change, he was the first dude that i sorta dated after me and my ex broke up). i was thrown off by this because i thought that he had a girlfriend, i mean according to his myspace he was in love and happy. so for him to miss me made me think, either he is trying to be nice because i'm going to help him or his girl ain't handling business like she should be. but anyways, after he told me that he missed me he went on to tell me how i can call him anytime and that i shouldn't be afraid to call him...it was an interesting convo. it kind of made me smile, but i dunno...i'm not trying to get caught up with him again. i'm on a new path and i'm trying to keep that relationship strickly friends.

now the other confusing man in my life is my "vegas boo"...he is a peice of work. now i've only been talking to him for about 5 or 6 months, but i like him. he makes me smile. he lives in vegas, and we were able to get some down time when i visited back in july. we have similiar personalities...well at least in the sarcastic department, guess its a libra thing. lol yes, he's a libra too. but that was what initially drew me to him, i am a very sarcastic person and usually men are thrown off by that because they assume that i am being rude or argumentative. but he was the only one who can handle it and throw it back at me. so i love it. and we have a lot of similiar interest...so we get along. he even asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend...i left it unanswered because of the distance thing...but the problem with that is that we act like we are closer than what we actually are. so a couple nights ago we were chatting on yahoo and he was telling me about this chick who is feeling him and whatnot so he like brought up the fact that he didn't like her but he had kissed her and would consider having sex with her...so i was trying to not show my feelings and be supportive since i haven't claimed him as my man...but then i told him that i was sad and would be hurt if he did do the whole fuck buddy thing with her...so he responds back telling me that if its going to hurt me he won't go through with it and then he was like she's not his type and blah blah blah...so i was like that's sweet...but not sure if he was being honest. i mean i don't care if he were to do it because i'm not down there to take care of him, not even sure when i'm going back..and we haven't confirmed our relationship so its like whatever. but i do like him, so i'm willing to take a couple steps back and let things take its course. so for right now we are friends and thats enough for me. :)

blah...that's a lot of sharing. lol

men are confusing but i love them.

kick rocks! another weekend at home...blah

blah...another night at home. i hate this, like seriously when will it be my turn to have fun. i haven't like been out hardcore in like 4 weeks, lately its like every weekend i end up going out one night or i don't go out at all. so many varibles lead up to this madness. this is like the one thing that drives me insane. i am not a homebody, i am a social outgoing person and i need to be around people. i just feel like after a long hard week its nice to be able to reward yourself with a fun filled crazy weekend. and i'm sad to say that i've not had that in so long...and it's like i'm really not going to be doing anything next weekend either...so i don't know...looks like i will be stuck at home until my birthday which is like a month away...oh wells. this is the story of my life.

one more thing, its not the fact that i'm not out with my friends having fun that is bugging me right now, its more or less the fact that i was so close and got sidetracked. i understand that family comes first, but if my mom would have told us that we were going to have to pick up my youngest brother from football practice in advance i would have been better prepared. but since she waited until we were literally walking out the door it screwed everything up. then when i asked my other brother if i could borrow his car to get to my destination all hell breaks loose. i guess it just wasn't in the stars for me to go out again.

i'm off to bed, maybe i can have a fab dream of me partying it up like i used too...

nite nite

weekend rap up

hmmph.

so this weekend was interesting. i didn't do too much as far as socializing with the locals is concerned. i decided not to go out on friday night because honestly the club scene in seattle is slightly wack...and i have better things to do than stand in a crowded room with no ventilation. saturday night i went out, it was cool...besides the fact that i was sweating like a freaking hog. why is it that these establishments refuse to turn on the air conditioner when they know its 90 degrees outside and they are damn near at the fire code limit?!? blows my mind. nonetheless, i still had lots of fun. i was supposed to go to a bbq today, but i had something else come up so i decided not to go.

i went to this new restaurant...famous daves. it was pretty good. our waiter was super hyper...lol i swear he like popped a pill or something before he came to work.

blah.

today was cool.

next weekend i'm supposed to go out for my friends bday. then after that i think i'm taking a break until my birthday.