i'm not a "big girl", i'm just me!

so i have a new pet peeve. it just recently came up. maybe its not a pet peeve but its definalty something that annoys me.

i don't consider myself to be a big girl, but sometimes people will make comments where it seems like they are grouping me with the big girls. i consider myself to be on the chubby side of things but i'm very volumptious. i have my curves as well as my lovely lady lumps (boobs and booty). i don't have rolls for days although i have a bit of a gut..hehe but its not in any way something that takes away from my beauty. i just hate when i'm out and someone will be like you look better than the chicks in here and they are smaller than you. now you may think "whats wrong with that?" well the problem is that when i look around at these chicks that are supposedly smaller than me, i see them as being in my weight class. so i take a stab to the heart when someone says something like that, because i don't feel like i'm big at all. i know my flaws and the things that i need to work on, but i don't feel like i am unattractive in any way. i mean i have never had any problem with getting attention. usually when i go out i am told that i am beautiful, so i don't know maybe its because i hang around super skinny people and i'm the biggest one in the group.

either way i love myself and i don't feel like i'm a "big girl", chubby yes..sexy..most def!

i don't know..you be the judge!

i heart my hair!

i get so annoyed when people make ignorant comments regarding my hair. my decision to go natural was an easy one although it wasn't planned. i honestly believe that black people have the most unique and beautiful hair in the world, there are no other ethnic groups that share the hair we have. everyday i am surrounded by people with straight, long, euro-centric hair. i stick out like a sore thumb, but i love it.

i hate when people ask me what i put in my hair as if i can't have naturally curly hair. i don't put anything in my hair. my hair has a natural curl pattern that is simply beautiful. i only wish it was longer so that i could do more styles with it, but i love the nappyness and the curls.

contrary to popular belief i am not bald..lol. it cracks me up when people look at my hair and assume that it's this short. obviously my hair is curly, therefore once you put heat to it and straighten it, it will be significantly longer. i really want to straighten my hair just to see what it looks like and to clip my ends.

no my hair is not dry and rough. my hair is super soft like a pillow. i love playing with my hair because it feels good. the poofy part of it feels like a cotton ball, i just love it.

i love how black hair doesn't have to be washed on a daily basis with shampoos and stuff. non-black people have to wash their hair everyday else it will be all greasy and oily looking. sure happy i don't deal with that. i wash my hair with warm water during my showers, but i only shampoo it every couple of weeks. i am going to begin my deep condition just as soon as i find a product that i like.

yea i just felt like raving about my hair, because i love love love it.

please tell me why people leave their homes without looking in the mirror first?!? so on this past sunday i went to an after party for an event that was held here..the special celebrity guest was none other than the pretty lame ray j. so before i even agreed to go i knew it would be heavily populated by black people, but i was thinking that since the venue was more upscale that the attendees would be as well. boy was i wrong. now i will be the first to tell you that i am not a super model at all, although i could most definitely do the plus size model thing...lol okay enough bragging. but my point is, i did my part..i made sure that i left the house looking classy and sexy. my fellow sistas however weren't so lucky. it was like a fashion show for hot ghetto mess. and there was an unimaginable amount of weave in the building. wowza it was crazy. and the one thing i hate about clubs that are predominately black is that no one dances.

so lets start on the fashion. now i know that i am not super skinny, but i know my flaws and i know my body type. therefore, when i go out i am going to make sure that i look like a 10 no matter what. its not about whats underneath your clothes, its all about the visual tricks that you play to make your self appear more desirable. anyways, there were so many chicks who had more rolls than a bakery and they were wearing super tight and short dresses with shoes that didn't even match. it was so sad. i just wanted to walk up to each of them and help them revamp their outfit to fit their body type. there's nothing wrong with being big and sexy or skinny and sexy, but the key word there is sexy and not everyone can pull it off. its more of a confidence and swagga that you carry..but i will get into in another post. i wish i had a camera for all the fashion faux pas that i saw.

i was so proud of myself for being the only natural sista in the place. its crazy how many chicks had weave and were relaxed. i got a few stares at first but i had more people who seemed to like it. i felt like it was a mission accomplished. i don't understand why more sistas don't cut out the relaxers and weave and rock their natural hair. its like they are conforming to the European idea of beauty. i love my hair and i am never going back to relaxers and weave.

why is it that black people are known for dancing but when given the opportunity no one dances. it cracks me up how people just stand on the wall and stare at other people. i'm the one who is like i don't care what people think lets get out there and shake our booties!!! i think its because they can't dance..most black chicks only know how to shake their ass and black dudes can't dance at all. thats why i love the white boys who will get out there and dance in front of all the black people..its funny but i can't help but admire it.

so the moral of the story:

wear clothes that compliment your body, not what looks cute on the manikin at the mall
get rid of the weave and let your natural hair flow
dance! dance! dance!

i'm so happy! life is good.

i'm really happy right now. i feel so refreshed and brand new. i am ready to turn things around for myself and get my head back into the game. i've been sitting out for too long. i think i let the depression and insomnia get to me and i lost myself in the mix. but now i'm ready to play hardball because i'm not one to give up. i am not going to worry about all the things that once stressed me out before, i'm just going to make sure that i am focused on making things better. so look for happier post :)

Vegas is my new fave city...and more...

ok so i'm back from my brief hiatus. i had so much fun in vegas for the 4days that i was there. it totally rocked. i was a little aprehensive about going at first, but once i got there all my worries flew out the window and the good times rolled on. i liked the fact that i went with a diverse group of people and couple that i didn't really know but got to know really well during the trip. i swear it was just like an episode of the real world. i loved it. we had this super nice penthouse suite, it was gorgeous..just like something out of the pages of a rich people magazine or something.

the only thing i didn't like about the trip was that we didn't really leave the strip...well i did, but that's another story. and i didn't get a chance to see the half the things i wanted too. like i really wanted to go into the wax museum, but we didn't go inside just stood in the entrance. lol. i didn't like the clubs too much. although we got pretty good treatment while we were there, i think it was just the vegas environment. you know a bunch of cocky people inside a small space with loud music and half naked girls...that equals trouble. but it was still fun. it's so weird that you can smoke in the clubs, that wasn't cool cause i was like choking from second hand smoke the whole night.

saturday night was so much fun, i decided not to go to the club because i was over the vegas club scene so i went on a little date with a friend that lives down there. oh my gosh it was so much fun. he pretty much showed me around the city and we went to this area waaaaay off the strip that overlooks the city. oh my gah it was SO beautiful. all the lights and the buildings, wow i wish i had a camera too capture it. it was nice.

the plane ride there was something else..lol. i had a small panic attack that lasted during the intial part of take-off but once we kind of got in the air i was fine. i actually like flying, it's just the turbulance that gets me. and i don't like taking off because its almost always rocky. the trip home was nice because it was mostly smooth.

i want to go back so badly. even though Vegas is expensive, it is so much fun. i saw rampage jackson, well i was in the elevator with him..he seems a bit cocky and arrogant but it was cool. and then i saw j.r. smith from the denver nuggets. i wanted to see some bigger stars but it didn't happen this go round. next time i go i am most definitely going with a plan.

this trip inspired me so much. i love my city and my surroundings, but being out of the state just reminded me of how much world there is left to see. i mean although i have traveled and seen pretty much the entire country, it was when i was younger. i love the west coast. its so vibrant and fun. my mom has been pushing me to go after what i want and to move to Los Angeles. and after going on this trip it just pushed me two steps forward in that direction. i am still going to go back to school fall quarter but i am going to look into moving down to California or Vegas. either way i won't be up here too much longer. i realized that there really isn't anything here for me. my family and friends are here, but i don't have anything holding me here. i don't have a career that's based here, no kids, no man, no other drama..i'm pretty much free to float around. so i guess my next major goal is packing up and moving to California. that makes me excited.

wow this was a much needed vacation. i was so stressed out before i went. it seemed like my whole world was crashing down on me. i felt pretty hopeless, but now i feel so refreshed and new. i know that the Lord has big plans for me and i'm going to follow His lead.

:)

as i was saying in my last blog, i believe i am still single because of the sterotypes that black men have layed out on black women. did you knw that there are sites that are directed to black men who are tired of black women?? and now there issues are being spread around to other races, now every person on planet earth thinks that all black women are bitter and crazy with stank attitudes.

now everytime someone looks at me they assume that i'm the "typical black women", which i'm not. i don't have a attitude problem, i don't have that diva complex, i'm not mean and bitter, i know how to cook, i'm outgoing and adventurous, i don't wear weave. i don't know. im so confused on the whole black men hate black wome thing.

so i'm on youtube and there are several channels dedicated to this topic. for instance there is someones channel that is all about how fucked up black women are...there are over 400 videos, its crazy.

but i digress.

single again?

ahh another love post. sorry its on my mind, can't help it.

so after i the incident that happened today with that guy and his lies. i just thought about how lucky and happy that girl is to have him. even though he is a liar and a lil player..i know she is happy. i was looking at the pictures that she put up of them and i almost cried..like my heart literally dropped. i found it odd that hours before he was hitting me up trying to get back in my world. i hate how when you fall for someone, something always comes along and fucks it up...well maybe that just happens to me..i dunno.

i just remember the first time i met him, i had this feeling like i knew he was going to be a constant figure in my life. we just clicked. things just went so smoothly, even when we had arguments we still were able to kiss and make up. even though its only been a year and 3 months since we started talking, my feelings grew so much over time. i still have love for him in my heart. its weird because last year i was talking to a few guys, but this guy was at the top of the list always..he always got my full attention and i pretty much dropped the other dudes like flies..but i kept him close. he just has something that draws me to him. he's like a drug, i knw its bad but i can't help but have it. he makes me smile and laugh..and he gives the best hugs in the world. he listens to me and helps me when i need advice. hes actually a good friend. he knows how i feel about him and i know how he feels about me, but i can't help but hate the fact that he lies so much to the people that care for him the most. its okay i guess i will find someone new to obsess over soon enough.

i just hate the void in my heart that i have. theres nothing like being in love with another human being. and living the single life is great, but it gets old. once you've been in love and been in a long relationship you understand how precious it is. even though i am done with the whole online dating thing, i can say that it works if you want to find someone who is only out for that quick fix.

i am not your traditional girl, but i like traditional things. i don't mind asking a guy out, i've done it before..i don't mind being the first to call and paying for a night out. but every now and then i do enjoy being wined and dined but i guess it will come with time. whenever i feel like this one song replays in my head over and over again and that's india arie's song "ready for love". it's a beautiful song, the lyrics are exactly what my heart feels. i have been in love before, but lost it..and now i'm ready to find it again. i just don't know where to go and i hate when people say that you meet someone when you least expect it...it may be true for some but i haven't actively looked for a man in months and i'm still single.

honestly i think it's because of the misinterpretation that men have on black women. black women get such a bad rap. and i don't understand why, because everyone is different. we are not all the same. i think i'm going to continue this in the next blog.....see you there

family life

family is very important to me. but i can't help but wonder why mine is so distant. i can't help but feel bad about my relationship with my family. i love my family to death and i wouldn't change them for the world. i just think that there is a lot of tension between all of us due to the drama that happened last year. and since i have moved back in with my mom and 2 brothers, things have become stressful for me. everyone is always on my back and in my business. then they get mad at me when i say or do something out of anger. its annoying. example, so i just returned from a camping trip so i was washing my clothes and whatnot. well my brother walks the dryer and takes me wet clothes out and puts his clothes in to dry. so i ask him why he did that and he says " i need work clothes, you don't have nothing to do all day" so i'm like wtf..how can you take it upon yourself to tell me what i have to do during the day, granted i probaly will be at home..but still don't be assuming shit. so out of anger i said "fuck you". harsh, i know. but i was mad at the fact that he took my wet clothes out the dryer to put his in...and when i came home his clothes were just sitting in the washer because he started washing but didnt finish..so i took his clothes and put them in the dryer and started washing, then he came in and put another load in the washer and left his clothes in the dryer while he was gone for several hours. i was courteous enough to allow his clothes to finish drying and then removed them after they were done. *sigh*

i just get so annoyed sometimes. and i wouldn't have said fuck you..but he caught me at a bad time..i was mad because i was checking on something only to find out that it was cancelled without my approval so i'm like screwed and i was angry at that. then he came in and did something that just irratated me even more. then he was like i'm telling mommy what you said..so he proceeds to write a note and leave it for her to read in the morning..so that will cause more drama for me because my mom is on vacation this week, which means she will be at home every freakin day...and when i get up i'm pretty sure she will yell at me and tell me how disrespectful i am again. i'm prepared for it this time. exciting.

but the point of this blog is basically to express my disgust for my situation. i hate that my family doesn't get along like other people i observe. we fuss and fight, but we have our good times too. i just don't want to have that feeling of us not appreciating one another. i love my entire family but i think the only reason why my attitude is coming back is because i'm living at home again and i am constantly being criticized for the way i live my life. and since i don't have anyone that i can talk to about my issues, i hold it in and explode when given the chance. i just wish we didn't argue so much and i wish we got along a lot better. i think another reason is money, i know its hard on my mom but her stress trickles down to everyone else and it just makes the situation that much worse.

i remember when i was younger, i was even more misunderstood than i am now. my parents wanted to put me up for adoption because i had the worst attitude, but it was because i was depressed and didn't know how to control my emotions. i never got along with anyone and i was always misreble, but once i moved out the house and lived on my own the relationships with my family got stronger. we actually got along. so i'm assuming with all the stress and issues we are already dealing with, when you top that off with me not having my privacy things just get hectic.

another thing i really hate is when my family criticizes everything that i do. i came home today and immeadiatley my brother starts off with "you are pathetic, you are always on the computer and then you go and lay down and watch tv, you are so lazy". and i'm like wtf i just got home like 30min ago and i was gone for a whole day and a half. he is like the main one who talks about me. he will straigt up walk to me and tell me he doesn't like me and that he's tired of looking at me. then he will top it off with "you are a waste of a life". how hurtful is that??? but he doesn't care what he says to me.

the thing i don't understand is why he feels like he can talk about me like i have done nothing but sit on my ass for the last 22 years of my life. hello?!? i just quit my freakin corporate job that i had for 3 years this february. then i started school. and i just moved back home after being on my own for 6 years. shit my life has not been peaches and cream, but i damn sure aint no lazy ass.

things are hard right now. but i'm doing the best i can. i might not be working now, but that was all by choice. now that i want to work, i can't find a decent job. i mean i work here and there, but nothing substancial and permanant. yes its true that i am at home most of the time, yes its true that i spend a lot of time on the computer..so what, it entertains me..and i'm actually doing things that are productive online, yes its true that i watch movies a good chunk of the day, but hell i LOVE movies..i can't help it..um earth to my brother, i'm a FILM MAJOR idiot. i don't know i just get annoyed and a person can only take so much of being told that they are lazy, a wasted life, and stupid. its like everything i do, is wrong. ok now this is turning into a rant..plus i know nobody will read this far because this thing is already hella long.

i just don't think people understand how difficult my life is right now. i made a complete change. i went from ms independent to living with my mom again and depending on other people. its hard to cope with. but the funny thing is, my family don't help me with shit. when i had cell phone issues, i asked for help did i get it...nope. when i had issues paying my tuition so that i could return to school did i get it, nope. everything that i do is wrong to these people. but they don't know how much is on my shoulders right now. its hard being broke and trying as hard as you can to find a job. and feeling extremly lonely because you have no one to talk to. and when you have no support at all, everyone just tells you how dumb you are. whatever i digress.

i'm done with this one...........don't want to go all up in my business since i really don't know who's reading this.

moral of the story: i love my family, but i need to find a way to show it.

Sex & Celibacy

this post is only for the mature audiences.
lol
just kidding.

ok so i am currently in a zone(not the word i wanted to use, just couldn't think of anything better) where i am not wanting to have sex with anyone. i guess you could say that i am celibate until i find the right person. its weird how the dice land sometimes. what i mean by that is, last year after me and mk broke up i went through this phase of being a "player". i was dating a few guys at one time, and i broke a lot of my personal rules. i think it was because i was lonely and vulnerable after the break up and i let a lot of guys pass before even taking the exam (bad metaphor, i knw). although there were 2 main people that i dealt with on a regular basis, things seemed fine..that is until i checked back into reality. this year has been a lot better. i am comfortable with who i am so i no longer am in that vulnerable state of mind where i don't care what happens.

this year i have been intimate with 3 people total...2 were people who are close to my heart (meaning, i have a relationship that's longer than 6months with them) and one was out of drunkenness and immaturity) i haven't had sex for a month now and i'm planning on keeping it that way. i know i can do it, the longest i've went without it is 5 months..so this will be easy! i mean sex is a beautiful thing, but what's more important to me is that i am doing it with the right person and for the right reasons.

true story. i really don't like sex, it only feels good to me if i am doing it with someone who i truly have feelings for. but i am an extremly sexual person. weird, right?

i feel comfortable taking this step into celibacy because i feel like i have done it, and i know what i want. i don't want some random guy to have access to my goodies when i'm not going to get anything but 2 minutes of oh and aw in return. and i ain't trying to run up the miles on ms.kitty. lol

the next person that i have sex with will be someone who i am 100% committed to and who i will love wholeheartedly.

plus i'm not to keen on the idea of catching a STD. there are so many diseases going around and it seems like the numbers expand daily. no one is invisible from contracting some type of STD. i don't want to catch HIV or anything of that nature..that's something you can't get rid of (altho, i believe there is a cure and the government is holding out).

so the moral of this long story: sex is a wonderful thing when you are in love.

my mission: to refrain from all sexual activity, until i find love again.

boys are funny

lmao. ok true story. so i was on myspace, checking messages and updates..etc and i get this message from someone who i was "talking" to for the last year. ok so in his message he was pretty much just saying how he missed me and how i am never available..blah blah blah. so i responded to him, not gonna go into details. anyways, so i click on his page..but it's still private ( long story short, he won't add me because he has a gf and he doesn't know that i know that) but i have my connections, so it wasn't a problem. well anyways i found some interesting things out. but i don't hate him for trying to be the player that he is, its kind of cute in a dogish way. weird, i know. funny thing is, i know he cares about me (even tho some may say different, they just don't understand the relationship we have)...but the fact is he has a gf and has always had one, i just didn't know about her until a month ago. the question, why would a guy who is in a relationship constantly come back to the same chick..when he he obviously has everything he needs right there at home? i see it this way, obviously there is something that he is not happy with. now i'm no home wrecker and i refuse to put myself in a situation like this again. but there is clearly something about me that he appreciates. and contrary to popular belief i don't give him anything...money nor coochie. when i see him its usually just a time to talk and relax. i don't know, its confusing. and i hate that he plays these games. its not right. i want to call him out on it so bad, but the again i don't really care. its funny because the girl checks out my myspace like on a daily basis..super funny. and like when i changed my profile, she went and changed hers and just to make sure everyone knew that she was with this guy she puts up pics of them in provocative positions. i dunno. its not my fault that her man is all up in my grill. but like i said i'm not a home wrecker, even though i have history with this guy and i still have feelings for him, i'm not going to do anything that would put me in an awkward situation. but this whole thing is funny, i must admit.