Current Addiction: Twitter

Dude, is it totally bad that my new addiction is Twitter?!?! Like I had one last year before all of the hype but I cancelled my account and then I signed up again at the beginning of the year, didn't like it so I nixed that account too...and now I'm back. I actually like it this time around because I'm following some pretty interesting people and I'm naturally nosey so it satisfies the need to be in the know at all times. :) But its a serious addiction, last night I found myself Tweeting throughout Making the Band 3, and then updating it before I went to bed. LOL I know I only have 6 followers but geez, I can't help but let everyone in on my life...I'm a SUPER STAR, thought you knew! HAH

I wonder how long it will be around, will it be like myspace and facebook or will it fizzle out like Friendster and hi5? Only time will tell......

So follow me:http://twitter.com/msdocudrama

When The Tables Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings but you knew that you had to because it was the "right" thing to do?

I feel like that right now. *le sigh*

I've always been the type of girl that was very upfront and real with my feelings, but if I knew that I could crush someone's world with that I always held back to spare them the pain. But this situation is so different, I've never been here before. I mean I have but on the other side of the fence. So there is a person who likes me, matter of fact they are in love with me but I am just not on the same page, I'm not even sure how his feelings fast fowarded to this chapter and I'm still at the beginning. What do I do, How do I make this right without causing him pain? I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to just shut him down. I get the sweetest text messages and phone calls from this person but my heart is not with him and it never will be. He is a really sweet guy but he is just not my type, he's not the one for me...I'm something that he cannot obtian because I'm on a different level, therefore he cannot keep me interested.

It's weird because I've been on the recieving end of this so many times. I am the queen at receiving the "I like you, I'm just not looking for anything serious" line...I've heard that so many times and I have found my way of dealing with it. My ability to accept rejection is stronger than most people because I've had to deal with it so much in my life, it's a constant thing for me...so I know how it feels to be rejected...i just don't know how it feels to reject someone.

What do I do?

=o(

the changing world around me

it's been awhile since i've made a public post on here, well i guess its time...
so i'm having some reservations on certain relationships with a couple people in my life. i just feel like things are changing and i'm not sure if i can stop it. sometimes you have friends that you just know in your heart will always be in your life no matter what, good or bad they will always be there. you know the people that you know will be around for weddings, children, divorce *knock on wood*, random adventures, death...EVERYTHING!...but recently i've been noticing that things just aren't the same. i tried to let it go but i just couldn't shake the feeling that regardless of what i try to tell myself that fate is always in charge and if its gonna happen it will. i thought that maybe it was me, maybe i was the one who was changing and not caring anymore. but i knew that wasn't true because i'm always available for this person, well these people. i mean how could it be that the two people outside my family, the two people that i trusted and cared the most for have suddenly just stopped being "friends". yea i get the occasional text message or the random email, but what happened to the phone calls and the random "lets go have dinner", *sigh* maybe i'm just being a girl about things and im over analyzing everything. but i can't help it, i can feel a change coming. i don't trust these people anymore because they are no longer there for me like before. its like new people have come in and taken over and i got left behind; actually that is exactly what happened. honestly i'm used to this, but i typically don't let it get to me...i understand that people change and grow apart, but its different when you share so much but interact so little.


everything is just so interesting right now...


i know that at least one of these people isn't even aware that our friendship is even in jeopardy, and that could be my fault. but i know that this person just doesn't get it...they just don't understand when they need to stop and open their eyes and see whats really going on, ahhh and i've been down this road before, i just don't know if its worth it this time, i mean it is...without these 2 people i feel so alone, its weird. i know there are so many people out there who love me, but these two people have been there for me through thick and thin, they are the only 2 people who understand me and my passions. they keep me calm, so without them, i am alone. i have no one to confide in, no one to get advice from, no one to just chat about life with....so i know its worth it, but there are just so many variables that are causing a HUGE roadblock that i don't think i can break through.


maybe i should just take a break and walk away and see what happens...but then what does that solve...NOTHING. i am not afraid of anyone or anything, i'm not shy, i'm just me. hah i've even been told that i am very blunt, but hey if i have something to say i'm going to say it, why hold back, right? i hate confrontation and i rarely blow up unless i feel very strongly about something. maybe thats why i'm afraid to tackle this, i know that i care so much i just don't want to lose control...............*speechless*


blah....i digress

Why is EVERYONE igging me?

so i was having a convo with my friend and she told me that i hurt her feelings, now this is the result of a couple friday nights back, (see my post: Friday Nite Lights for more info)to make a long story short we went out to a club, i was enjoying myself and she wasn't so we ended up leaving 30 minutes later...i was quite annoyed but got over it and proceeded to move on because i thought things were fine, but they weren't as i found out today.

anyways, as we were emailing back and forth i kept telling her that i felt like she was acting weird with me, like she was very dry and not her usual self and that she hadn't been since that incident. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like i was calling her a flaker and saying that she was boring because of the one time she decided she wanted to leave a club prematurely. of course i was in total and complete amazement because i felt like WOW, why didn't you tell me this when i brought it up to you a week ago?!? but i didn't say that instead i explained to her why i was annoyed in detail, not sure if she fully understands because emails can be interpreted the wrong way very easily.

I don't know, i just feel like if people have an issue with me they need to be upfront about it because if they sit back and let time pass i will be way ahead of them wondering why they are being so shady towards me. i don't hold grudges and i really can't stay mad at someone for that long unless they royally piss me off but that is rare.

AHH, i don't know it just seems like everyone is ignoring me now. First my best friend is acting funny with me and now mystery man is acting even more weird...wow what a tuesday.

Random Gibberish

Have you ever thought that maybe its time to open up the doors to new prospects?

Lately I've been having thoughts that maybe its time that i make some new friends or shall i say aquaintances. now i love the people that are currently in my life and i have nothing bad to say about them, however they are getting a little boring in the sense that they don't like adventure. i am a very random person so i find it really hard to fit in with people as it is. i like doing things that are out of the ordinary, i enjoy risk taking and just having a grand ole time. i hate the whole image thing and the "i have to be the coolest kid on the block" syndrome. i just like to get in the car and go where ever the wind blows me, that's just the kind of person i am. And after the incident that happened a couple weeks ago i have just been in the mood for change. It's weird because the person that i feel closest to is starting to act "funny". For instance, i asked her if she wanted to go to the britney spears concert in april, she surprisingly turned me down. now normally she would have been game and ready to go, but she just flat out told me she wasn't interested. then she suggested that i go make a new buddy and go with them. i felt like that was kind of a low blow, but whatever. then over the weekend she ended up going out and didn't even bother to invite me. that kind of hurt my feel bads because i just always assume that she will invite me when she goes out and i would do the same. but it didn't happen that way, so it makes me think that maybe she's trying to distance herself..but i dunno. maybe i'm looking too far into this.

In any case, im just ready for adventure. life is too short to stay at home and watch movies all the time. dude you can sleep when you are dead, i'm ready to party and live out loud. Anyone out there ready to play???

Random Thursdays

Its Thursday, say whaaat?

Welcome to my new readers :)

So tomorrow my brother comes back home, he randomly decided to join the marines and just went through 3 months of intensive basic training. So it's cool because he will be here through christmas. My other brother and my mom went down to Californ-I-A to go to his graduation and fly him back up. And my brother sent a pic of what the new marine looks like, OMFG is he skinny and dark. It's crazy how 3 months can change a person. Heck I'm just picturing what I would look like if I went through 3 months of marine bootcamp. *daydreaming* yea, wouldn't that be a sight to see.

Now to the more juicy topics that you've all been waiting for. (just kidding) Not that i want to put my relationship with mystery man out there, but its good to get out my feelings. So recently things have been going well with him despite the minor hiccups along the way. But honestly I'm just not sure if he is someone I should be pursuing as hard as I am. I know for sure that there is something there, but he is so confusing and its been going on for so long. I'm just ready for him to be like "taisha starr, would you be my girlfriend" lol. that would be bomb dot com, but in my reality that would never happen. So i'm just in this stage of waiting for him to get his thoughts together. the only reason i haven't given up on him is because i don't want to lose him as a friend, he is a very special person to me so its like if we can't be together then i will take the friendship as a consolation prize.

OMG, so I have a new stalker. Its riDONKulous! So this guy has been around since like the summer of 06, i think..wow thats a long time. anyways, he started out being somewhat of a french tutor. anyone who knows me knows that i am totally obsessed with everything FRENCH! So he was cool at first, his first language is french so he was just kind of helping me tone up some things. then it turned into him being obsessed with me and now its like borderline crazy scary stalker. so like he used to work at my company but then he quit and then i left for school and blah blah but now i'm back and today he calls me and tells me that hes back too! i'm like OMG now you can just like look up my info and come to my office anytime you want...AHHHHHHHHHHH so yea, i'm now looking for a new job.

OMG stay tuned for my next post about people and how they are so oblivious to when they are wrong.

Happy Hump Day!

*at the top of my lungs* ahhhhhhhhhhhh

*whew*

no that i got that out of the way, i'm SO happy its Wednesday! although i'm super tired, but i know exactly why. i decided to randomly stay up to almost 3am on monday and my body hasn't had the chance to catch up, so now i'm just dragging behind. it really sucks because i can't focus on my work. :0( and today i actually have a lot of things to get done, so its like i kind of need to focus. I just need to have a conversation with someone to kind of snap some energy back into me. i thought texting would do the trick but nope, too slow and not interactive enough. heck, my usual fix of IM'ing ain't even working. I feel so unhealthy today, I so had some planters peanuts, a bag of skittles, and a diet pepsi for my "lunch" today. I know, don't even say it...i can tell that by now you are shaking your head at the computer screen in disgust. times are hard man and all i could muster up was $1.85, lol. i guess i shouldn't have been overindulging on lunch early this week...hehe. its okay once i get home i'm heading straight to the food box to get me some grub, good healthy grub ;o).

so i noticed while reading over my blog that i have so many typos, but its okay...you guys don't mind, do you? lol i hope not cause i'm not going to fix them harharhar!

*sigh* life is a trip sometimes ain't it. but i can't complain. i'm happy for the most part, but trying to find a career changing job ain't easy in the emerald city. now don't get me wrong i enjoy what i'm doing now and it is very temporary because i have NO future interest in this type of work...but i figure that if i'm really going to be aligned with my 2yr plan i need to start working at some media outlets; the raido, tv/news stations, marketing companies...etc. i really need to be somewhere where my creative juices never run dry and where i'm constantly on the move. job searching is exhausting...thats why i enjoy other people doing it for me;i.e. my recruiters. :o)

I feel super rough today, i hate that i don't wake up in enough time to do my hair and makeup at home. i wish that i could just get up at least an hour earlier...ok maybe 30 min earlier so i could actually do my hair at least at home. it makes a huge difference when you come to work ready. at the moment my current routine is waking up at 6:45 (i'm really supposed to be up at 5:30a) running to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth...by the time i'm done its 7a, and i have to find something to wear, put it on and get out the house by 7:15am...and when i get to work naked face and all i sit in the garage and do my eye makeup and just pull my hair back and i call it a day. its so not cool. i want to be done up and ready when i get here.

blah...time to get to work.

back on top

..so in continuation with my last post, i'm now back on good...no scratch that GREAT terms with the mystery man. So we went out to dinner tonight and it was so much fun, when i'm with him i completly loose track of time and i'm just in this fantasy world. i absoloutely love the way he makes me feel. we always have the best conversation and i don't know the connection between us is mos def there. i just wish i was much clearer on his feelings...like i'm pretty good at reading people and he seems so perfect but he still has me confused. i just don't want to end up looking like a fool. he knows how i feel, so i don't know why he's holding back.

*sigh*

OMG my peircing hurts SO bad right now. i just want to pull it out but i can't...i'm tired of my monroe...i'm going to take it out before the end of this month and get my bottom lip pierced instead.

sorry, i totally got off track. but yea, when i'm with him life is perfect. it's weird because i love being affectionate...you know kissing and cuddling, but i will only do it with certain guys. i have to have a true emotional connection with you to even get that close, is that weird? *sigh* i don't know, i just feel like kissing is so personal, its like the person can just suck your sould right out and capture your heart in a split second. but with the mystery guy i just want to pounce on him and give him a long, passionate kiss. he is the second guy that i've ever wanted to kiss, i'm so serious about that. i've only kissed one guy (passionatly tounge and all) in my life and that was my ex, so you can kind of see how serious i take this. kissing and cuddling is just that special to me. i want to kiss him so badly, but dammit i can't, at least not until i know how he feels...

blah enough about that.

dinner was wonderful and so is he.........

I'm acting Young now...

OMG men are so freaking ri-damn-donkulous!

okay okay lemme explain..

so my "friend" hits me up yesterday via Yahoo IM, he asks me how work was going and i told him everything was fine but i was feeling slightly distracted. So he asks me why and what is distracting me...i didn't want to tell him because i really didn't feel the need to disclose to him my sexual frustrations. so i told him it was nothing and that i didn't want to talk about it..so he of course gets upset and doesnt talk to me for the rest of the day.

today comes along and i get a text from him asking me if i'm still trippin, so i'm all confused and ask him what he's talking about..he then proceeds to tell me that he is 25 and i was acting young!?! dude serious, young? the fuck! i was upset, but i didn't let it show...i simply told him that i never thought of my reaction as being "young" and i explained to him why i held back. i added a little joke in there which lightened the mood...now i'm assuming things are kosher between us, but honestly who knows..he is super duper confusing.

now he's like texting me like we never had a lil dispute..its weird. one minute u are mad at me and the next you are loving me...make up ya mind!

sometimes i ask myself if this is all worth it, a part of me is screaming YES and the other half is say RUN far far away...so i'm simply torn...

*sigh*

random talk and putting my life into perspective pt.1

dude i feel super narcissistic, i was updating my myspace page and i was realizing that i have almost 15 albums of myself...lol. they are from over the last 3 years so of course the older ones are private...but still that's a lot of pictures. i was reading up on narcissism and it says that a little bit of self obsession is healthy, so hopefully i'm not going overboard. i just really feel like i am super beautiful, is that weird? i'm not even a cocky person, there are lots of things that i can improve on, but i am in love with my reflection...i can like stare at myself for hours...lol well maybe not hours, maybe like 30min...hmmph...idk i'm special..hehe

wow it's 11:30, almost tuesday! this is my 7th blog today..eek. my mind has been in overdrive lately so excuse my excessive need to blog. today has just been one of those days when i feel all alone. seriously none of my "friends" texted me today *sad face*. i even sent some messages out and never received a response...oh wells guess people are too busy for lil ole me. i'm not worried, it was just an observation.

so i posted the link to this blog in a more visable place on my myspace so i'm sort of afraid of the views that i'm about to get. hopefully people will read the disclaimer and not get their undies in a bunch.

my brother comes back on friday and man things are going to change up again, not sure if i'm ready for it. i kind of got myself accustomed to a few luxuries while he was gone and now that he is coming back i'm afraid that losing them will be extremely hard to do. i guess i could have prepared better for this but honestly i've been putting back for my video equipment, no one is helping me with any of the projects i'm working on so i'm focused on doing this all myself. i just hate that the economy is so tight, i was willing to get a second job but quickly realized that i'm not willing to give up certain freedoms.

is it wrong that i don't like to live by the rules? or that i hate restrictions? my ideal life is to be able to do what i want to do (under God's will of course) and not have to worry about breaking or following rules or being held back by anything. i just want to live my life to the fullest. i absolutely hate the 9-5 thing, its SO not me, but i do it because i know i have to...i have to give up something to get the reward i'm seeking, right? sometimes its just hard because mentally i know that i'm selling myself out by wasting time at these big corporations when i could be putting my creative talent to use. but i don't get paid to sit and write scripts, at least not yet. so right now i have to work just like everyone else until i'm able to pursue my dream with both feet on the ground.

*thinking "someone text me puhlease*

i don't know on my drive to work today i realized that everything that i have done in my past, career wise, has done nothing for my future...weird huh? like since i was 18 (23 now) i've been working at a large and well known corporation and that is literally my entire resume. at first i was okay with working there and pursuing a false goal, but once i reached that goal i got bored and wanted to move on. i tried to move on and ended up right back where i started, WTF man?!?! everyday i rack my brain trying to figure out my next move. yes, i know i have my 2yr plan that is currently in full affect, but dammit i can't wait 2yrs...i might not even be here in 2yrs, so why wait? i'm all about taking risks...so idk i'm just ready for that opportunity of a lifetime. you know everyone gets the chance of a lifetime to make a difference, some of us see it and some of us don't...i'm not trying to miss my chance to do something great.

i was watching the britney special "for the record" last night on mtv and it inspired me in some weird way. just watching her inspired me to make a move, even when i was watching keyshia cole "the way it is" on bet her story inspired me...heck even my girl beyonce has been inspiring me lately. i don't know i have so many inspirations coming my way, i just need to light the fire and get moving...

i have all the pieces to the puzzle, now i just have to put them together...

ahhhhh *sigh* putting my life into perspective is getting easier...one day at a time i suppose...one day at a time...

good nite folks