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Wow, I just noticed that there was a Follow Gadget on here....LOL. Okay, people so to keep up on the crazy stories and drama that is my life either Follow Me or Subscribe by entering your email addy. Feedburner is really good at not spamming and selling your info, so you only get updates when I post a new blog. :)

Enjoy!

Oops, did I just do that?!?

*in shock*

okay so i'm sitting at work trying to focus my energy on positive things, but something in my heart is screaming out for a little love and affection. so i have the bright idea to call up the ex. i don't know why i chose him, maybe because i knew he would answer...i mean it has been a whole year and some change since we have seen and talked to each other. *sigh* i actually called him on friday of last week, but hung up once i heard his voice. deep down inside i was thinking man i can't call him, i intentionally cut the ties for him so that he could grow and be happy in his current relationship. but today was different, i dialed his number not knowing what i was going to say or how i would react if the voice on the other end wasn't welcoming. it rang a couple times and then he answered...he immeadiatley knew it was me...weird how you never forget a voice that was so special to you once upon a time. our conversation only lasted a couple minutes...but it wasn't a bad thing. the first question he asked me was if i had a boyfriend, apart of me wanted to lie and say yes just to live up to his success in the love department. but instead i uttered a quiet no, he responded with an aww man really, sorry to hear that. LOL, i immediately retorted with a no need to feel sorry for me, it is what it is and i'm happy. i know that in his head he was thinking "wow its been 2 years and she's still single" but i didn't care, i mean he's been with his current girlfriend for about a year and some change, so good for him but i have no reason to feel bad because i don't have anyone. anyways, he mentioned that he was buying a new car soon...which to me sounds like he is doing well for himself, that made me smile to know that he is able to afford those things now because there was a time when he wasn't. then he asked me for a picture...which made me slightly irritated because i knew exactly what he was getting at. you see when we were together he often got on my case about my weight, so i'm assuming that he wanted to see if i had lost anything since the last time we saw each other. after that our conversation ended...

this call left me feeling a little silly at first for dialing his number. i know i'm stronger than that, but i wanted to fill a void and it was easier to do it with something i already know. i am in no way trying to get back with him, he is in a happy relationship with a very beautiful woman. i was just trying to make myself feel better for feeling so lonely.

i remember when we were together we had always said that no matter what happens and who we are with...if we break up we will always be friends and will never let each other go, but last year after the club incident and his girlfriend's insecurities we stopped speaking.

maybe there is a little part of me that wants to be friends with him again because he was the only guy that i got close enough to, to let my guard down and see into my soul. he knew me inside and out and i was happy with that. we had a wonderful friendship because he was tough on me but didn't judge my decisions with a bias mind.

i know that our friendship isn't there...and i know that it is best for me to move on completly and not make contact with him anymore....and i will try my best to make that move.

but today, i did what i did, not sure if its a mistake or not...but i called him, and i don't really feel any different because i'm still the same.

S-I-N-G-L-E

*whoo-friggin-hooo* i'm on a roll, huh? lol

so i've been single for what, 2yrs and um 2months? something like that, but hey whose counting anyways!!

I'm officially over it, and by that i mean I am done with online dating, with trying to get a man, with searching high and low only to get a door slammed in my face...as much as i hate being single, i hate dating even more. its such a drag, i've had 2 great dates and i actually ended up liking both guys...but something weird happened with one where he just randomly decided he didn't like me and the other, oh i don't know its totally up in the air...

sometimes i lay in bed at night reminicing about how it was when i was with my ex...and thats bad. i never want to have flashbacks of previous relationships but that's the only thing that i have to keep me sane when i'm feeling lonely and unwanted. then there are times when i try so hard to settle my mind down at night but my thoughts keep racing around the same things "will i be single forever", "will i ever fall in love again", "will i always be just an after thought", "whats wrong with me"...i hate questioning my existence, but its so hard when i've only had one serious relationship and the rest were just guys in between who meant nothing and contributed only hurt and pain...

blah. i know that this isnt attractive, but everyone deserves one of these days.

So yes, i hate being single and i want nothing more than to share my time with another human being. Love is not on my side, but one day it will be....i just know it!

Just another manic monday

*AHHHHHHHHHHHHH* *bangs head against desk* so its monday afternoon and i have my little to do list going but everything is so easy that i'm holding off so that i will have something to do later this afternoon, is that bad? it's weird as much as i enjoy my job and the people i work with its so hard to stay enthused and energetic about it when its not my passion. some days i wake up and i wish i could be getting ready to head to the set or hit the streets to film my latest documentary. its so hard when mentally this work doesn't stimulate me but realistically the money ain't that bad so i'm in a position where i have to make it work. and i must say that this is not no where near as bad as it was when i worked here last year and ended up quitting. Sometimes i regret that decision but hey i was able to come back so its whatever, but i knew that it wasn't a good fit and when you don't get along with your manager you might as well pull the trigger before they do, right? anyways, i got off track....i love my manager in this new group, so its not that...i'm just bored. this always happens and i try to be "adult" about it and make myslef stick it out because this is not the time to be getting bored with anything that is bringing money to the bank, ya know?! recently i've been working on my docs hoping that i can get that going and just kind of have that stimulate me enough until i can start making money off it and leave the corporate world for the second time!

its crazy when you know what you were born to do but you aren't doing it. and then people criticize you when you can't really do anything about it, sorry but i enjoy making money and i'm not going to give it up just yet. LOL, if i was skinny i would be a stripper just so i could fund my dreams...serioulsy them bitches make benjamin frank-a-lins (in the spirit of Flo Rida) and i don't have that kind of money and at the rate i'm working i won't have it until close to the end of the year...and i'm not sure i can last that long in this place.

i don't know, i'm happy, but not satisfied. it's like being with the love of your life, he/she makes you so happy but they can't satisfy you in the bedroom...you end up feeling disappointed and feeling like blah, what the hell man?!?

Why is losing weight so friggin hard

I am beating myself up inside because i honestly would have been at my goal weight if I would have just stuck to the damn working out on a daily basis! What the hell happened?!? I will tell you what happened, LIFE. This always happens to me and I am in no way complaining, just mad at myself because i didn't stick to it. I had a clear cut plan and i let go of the vision. i was already up against the wall, i didn't have support and i didn't have the tools i needed to be successful. my mind was right for the first month, nothing could keep me away from the gym...but then something happened and i started using the excuse that i was bored and that no one was in my corner...so i stopped going to the gym. I'm really bummed out about this because i had this all planned out, i wanted to jump start my year with 3 months of working out and then get on a regular schedule of going a couple day a week to maintain whatever i lost...but i wasn't stong enough--mentally. i let things get in the way and now i'm sitting here feeling like a failure. blah. okay enough of that.

Here's how i'm going to change this!

I am going to get over my past and anything else that got me to this point and that is holding me back. The only way to move forward is to let go...so i'm doing that now. It's gone. *whooosaaaahhhhhhhh* Next, I'm going to get back into a regular workout schedule starting today, literally today March 30th, 2009. If i don't go to the gym, i will be at a track or walking somewhere. After that, NO MORE Excuses! I am the queen of procrastination, i can stall and make excuses for just about anything, and that is stopping today! Nothing is more important than my health. I am also going to continue eating healthy once I mix this with my cardio things should be somewhat easier. And the last most important thing, I'm going to stop the SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA and i'm going to make sure that when i'm not doing anything, that i'm outside doing something. I still have time and i'm going to make the best of these next few months. Summer 09, is all about ME.

*whew* okay that felt great. I'm all in it this time...it's different, i can feel it.

Believe in me, Trust me, Support me.

Current Addiction: Twitter

Dude, is it totally bad that my new addiction is Twitter?!?! Like I had one last year before all of the hype but I cancelled my account and then I signed up again at the beginning of the year, didn't like it so I nixed that account too...and now I'm back. I actually like it this time around because I'm following some pretty interesting people and I'm naturally nosey so it satisfies the need to be in the know at all times. :) But its a serious addiction, last night I found myself Tweeting throughout Making the Band 3, and then updating it before I went to bed. LOL I know I only have 6 followers but geez, I can't help but let everyone in on my life...I'm a SUPER STAR, thought you knew! HAH

I wonder how long it will be around, will it be like myspace and facebook or will it fizzle out like Friendster and hi5? Only time will tell......

So follow me:http://twitter.com/msdocudrama

When The Tables Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings but you knew that you had to because it was the "right" thing to do?

I feel like that right now. *le sigh*

I've always been the type of girl that was very upfront and real with my feelings, but if I knew that I could crush someone's world with that I always held back to spare them the pain. But this situation is so different, I've never been here before. I mean I have but on the other side of the fence. So there is a person who likes me, matter of fact they are in love with me but I am just not on the same page, I'm not even sure how his feelings fast fowarded to this chapter and I'm still at the beginning. What do I do, How do I make this right without causing him pain? I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to just shut him down. I get the sweetest text messages and phone calls from this person but my heart is not with him and it never will be. He is a really sweet guy but he is just not my type, he's not the one for me...I'm something that he cannot obtian because I'm on a different level, therefore he cannot keep me interested.

It's weird because I've been on the recieving end of this so many times. I am the queen at receiving the "I like you, I'm just not looking for anything serious" line...I've heard that so many times and I have found my way of dealing with it. My ability to accept rejection is stronger than most people because I've had to deal with it so much in my life, it's a constant thing for me...so I know how it feels to be rejected...i just don't know how it feels to reject someone.

What do I do?

=o(

the changing world around me

it's been awhile since i've made a public post on here, well i guess its time...
so i'm having some reservations on certain relationships with a couple people in my life. i just feel like things are changing and i'm not sure if i can stop it. sometimes you have friends that you just know in your heart will always be in your life no matter what, good or bad they will always be there. you know the people that you know will be around for weddings, children, divorce *knock on wood*, random adventures, death...EVERYTHING!...but recently i've been noticing that things just aren't the same. i tried to let it go but i just couldn't shake the feeling that regardless of what i try to tell myself that fate is always in charge and if its gonna happen it will. i thought that maybe it was me, maybe i was the one who was changing and not caring anymore. but i knew that wasn't true because i'm always available for this person, well these people. i mean how could it be that the two people outside my family, the two people that i trusted and cared the most for have suddenly just stopped being "friends". yea i get the occasional text message or the random email, but what happened to the phone calls and the random "lets go have dinner", *sigh* maybe i'm just being a girl about things and im over analyzing everything. but i can't help it, i can feel a change coming. i don't trust these people anymore because they are no longer there for me like before. its like new people have come in and taken over and i got left behind; actually that is exactly what happened. honestly i'm used to this, but i typically don't let it get to me...i understand that people change and grow apart, but its different when you share so much but interact so little.


everything is just so interesting right now...


i know that at least one of these people isn't even aware that our friendship is even in jeopardy, and that could be my fault. but i know that this person just doesn't get it...they just don't understand when they need to stop and open their eyes and see whats really going on, ahhh and i've been down this road before, i just don't know if its worth it this time, i mean it is...without these 2 people i feel so alone, its weird. i know there are so many people out there who love me, but these two people have been there for me through thick and thin, they are the only 2 people who understand me and my passions. they keep me calm, so without them, i am alone. i have no one to confide in, no one to get advice from, no one to just chat about life with....so i know its worth it, but there are just so many variables that are causing a HUGE roadblock that i don't think i can break through.


maybe i should just take a break and walk away and see what happens...but then what does that solve...NOTHING. i am not afraid of anyone or anything, i'm not shy, i'm just me. hah i've even been told that i am very blunt, but hey if i have something to say i'm going to say it, why hold back, right? i hate confrontation and i rarely blow up unless i feel very strongly about something. maybe thats why i'm afraid to tackle this, i know that i care so much i just don't want to lose control...............*speechless*


blah....i digress

Why is EVERYONE igging me?

so i was having a convo with my friend and she told me that i hurt her feelings, now this is the result of a couple friday nights back, (see my post: Friday Nite Lights for more info)to make a long story short we went out to a club, i was enjoying myself and she wasn't so we ended up leaving 30 minutes later...i was quite annoyed but got over it and proceeded to move on because i thought things were fine, but they weren't as i found out today.

anyways, as we were emailing back and forth i kept telling her that i felt like she was acting weird with me, like she was very dry and not her usual self and that she hadn't been since that incident. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like i was calling her a flaker and saying that she was boring because of the one time she decided she wanted to leave a club prematurely. of course i was in total and complete amazement because i felt like WOW, why didn't you tell me this when i brought it up to you a week ago?!? but i didn't say that instead i explained to her why i was annoyed in detail, not sure if she fully understands because emails can be interpreted the wrong way very easily.

I don't know, i just feel like if people have an issue with me they need to be upfront about it because if they sit back and let time pass i will be way ahead of them wondering why they are being so shady towards me. i don't hold grudges and i really can't stay mad at someone for that long unless they royally piss me off but that is rare.

AHH, i don't know it just seems like everyone is ignoring me now. First my best friend is acting funny with me and now mystery man is acting even more weird...wow what a tuesday.

Random Gibberish

Have you ever thought that maybe its time to open up the doors to new prospects?

Lately I've been having thoughts that maybe its time that i make some new friends or shall i say aquaintances. now i love the people that are currently in my life and i have nothing bad to say about them, however they are getting a little boring in the sense that they don't like adventure. i am a very random person so i find it really hard to fit in with people as it is. i like doing things that are out of the ordinary, i enjoy risk taking and just having a grand ole time. i hate the whole image thing and the "i have to be the coolest kid on the block" syndrome. i just like to get in the car and go where ever the wind blows me, that's just the kind of person i am. And after the incident that happened a couple weeks ago i have just been in the mood for change. It's weird because the person that i feel closest to is starting to act "funny". For instance, i asked her if she wanted to go to the britney spears concert in april, she surprisingly turned me down. now normally she would have been game and ready to go, but she just flat out told me she wasn't interested. then she suggested that i go make a new buddy and go with them. i felt like that was kind of a low blow, but whatever. then over the weekend she ended up going out and didn't even bother to invite me. that kind of hurt my feel bads because i just always assume that she will invite me when she goes out and i would do the same. but it didn't happen that way, so it makes me think that maybe she's trying to distance herself..but i dunno. maybe i'm looking too far into this.

In any case, im just ready for adventure. life is too short to stay at home and watch movies all the time. dude you can sleep when you are dead, i'm ready to party and live out loud. Anyone out there ready to play???